Under the cover of night, a pegasus wearing a long red coat flew low over a shallow dune, peering intently at an austere mansion below, its windows aglow with bright electric light. Moonlight glinted brilliantly off the silver weapon held in clenched teeth.

A gunshot echoed in the stillness, and a bullet bit into the pegasus' side. Hissing in pain and biting back a curse, the red-garbed pony turned and flew slowly into the dark desert.

Every day, there seemed to be something new to add to the checklist of Things Twilight Sparkle Is Tired Of.

She had started writing the list after that horrible day, just over a week ago, when their first solid lead in their current assignment ended in confusion, chaos, and a concussion.

In the nine days since the disaster in St. Germain, Twilight had become Tired Of:

• Pinkie's near-ceaseless bubbleheaded randomness.
• Pinkie's snoring.
• Shifty, lecherous stallions in filthy saloons.
• Confusing, misleading rumors about Dash the Stampede.

And ESPECIALLY...

• Pegasi in red coats.

"I cannot BELIEVE," she complained to her partner as they cantered up a dusty rise, "how many pegasus ponies are wandering around wearing red coats. How did I ever not notice before that practically every pegasus in the ENTIRE WORLD owns a red coat?"

"Mmm, I don't think they ALL do," Pinkie replied. "I mean, that big nasty pony we thought was Dash had one, but none of his henchponies did..."

Twilight groaned in aggravation. "Nevermind. Just..." she sighed. "I really hope we get to the next town soon. I'm parched."

"It IS a little hot and dry today," Pinkie said. "Well, more hot and dry than usual."

The two mares crested the rise and saw a relatively large town resting in a valley below. Pinkie blinked. "Wow, that's a big town. What town is that?"

"It's Creber," Twilight said absently. She glanced around. "There's the trail down into the valley over there. Come on."

A few minutes later, they were on the dusty streets of Creber, which upon first glance seemed to be a ghost town. "I don't see anypony, Twilight," Pinkie said.

"Yeah, it looks deser—A WELL!" Eagerly, the lavender unicorn charged over to the unguarded well in what appeared to be the town square. Pinkie followed hot on her hooves. The two thirsty, travel-weary mares hauled up the bucket...

Two pebbles and a few grains of sand rattled around in it. There was no water.

"There's no water," Pinkie complained.

Twilight groaned, facehoofing. Just as she was about to berate Pinkie for stating the glaringly obvious, the wind carried the faint sound of conversation to the two mares. Twilight's ears twitched. "There IS somepony here," she whispered. Glancing around, she pointed with a hoof. "Over there."

The two ponies crept stealthily in the direction of the voices...

"Yeah, I heard it too. The brothers' mansion was attacked last night. Somepony said they saw a pegasus in a red coat, with a big silver gun..."

Twilight's eyes widened. "Could it possibly be...?"

"First the water dries up," a second voice complained, "then that damn outlaw shows up! This town ain't fit fer nopony no more..."

Twilight and Pinkie exchanged a glance.

After a little investigating, they learned there was a large, luxurious mansion a little over half an ile outside town. Pinkie's eyes lit up as they approached. "Wooooow."

"Whoever lives here must be loaded," Twilight mused. She raised a hoof and knocked on the front door. "Hello? Excuse me! My name is Twilight Sparkle, I'm with the Barnyardelli Insurance Society. My partner and I would like to ask some questions—"

"And we'd really like some water!" Pinkie added.

"Pinkie!" Twilight admonished furiously. "Don't say that—"

The door opened. Two hooves crossed the threshold, a glass of water balanced on each.

Despite her admonishment, Twilight eagerly accepted the water and drank quickly, as did Pinkie. Once they had quenched their thirst, Twilight opened her mouth to thank their benefactor...

"YOU?!" she shouted in disbelief.

The blue pegasus mare standing in the doorway waved lazily. "Hey," she said with a cocky grin, "didn't expect to see you two again!"

"What...are you doing here?" Twilight asked through gritted teeth.

"Well, it just so happens, I'm these guys' new hired gun..." the rainbow-maned pony explained, stretching and flexing her wings as she examined the edge of her right front hoof with half-lidded eyes.

"Hm? Do we have guests?" a male voice asked from within. A yellow unicorn with a short red mane streaked with white and a thick, waxed mustache peeked out over the mare's shoulder.

"Ah, you must be the owner here!" Twilight greeted. "We'd just like to ask some questions, if you don't mind..."

"Not at all, not at all!" the stallion replied genially, stepping back and making an ushering-in gesture with his forehooves. "Well? Show the little ponies in, Dash!"

"DASH?!" Twilight and Pinkie shouted.

The blue mare rubbed the back of her head with a hoof, grinning sheepishly. "Come on in, I guess..."

A steaming teapot sat in the middle of the large mahogany table in the center of the lavish sitting room. At one end of the room, there was a raised, polished wooden stage, a red velvet curtain draped in front of it. The blue pegasus lounged lazily on a plush sofa across from the two guests, who sat in comfortable chairs, cups of tea in front of them.

Their host cleared his throat. "Just a moment, ladies..." His horn glowed a deep green, and he disappeared in a bright flash. A moment later, the curtain in front of the stage parted, revealing their host and another unicorn stallion, identical save for his lack of a mustache. Both were dressed in loud blue-and-white striped vests, bow ties, and straw boaters with blue satin hatbands. A scratchy phonograph began to play a jaunty melody.

And then the two stallions...sang.

"He's Flim!"
"He's Flam!"
"We're brothers, as you see!"
"We're very pleased to offer you our hospitality!"
"We've got water, we've got ice!"
"We sell it all at a great low price!"
"Well we don't like to see anypony drying out—"
"—so we sell them all our water, 'cause that's what we're about!"
"Oh he's Flim,"
"He's Flam,"
"We run the waaa teeeeer traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade..."
"And everypony needs water every day, so we raaaake iiiiiiiin biiiiiiiiits iiiiiiiiiin spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaades!"

They finished the last line together with a grand flourish, doffing their hats and shaking them in the air.

Pinkie clapped, giggling. The pegasus rolled her eyes, blowing upward on her multihued bangs. Twilight just stared at the twins.

"Uh...that's...nice?" she offered.

The two brothers stepped down off the stage; the curtain closed behind them. They took seats at the head of the table. Flim—the brother sans mustache—said, "It's just a little something we do in our spare time. A hobby, you see."

"Yeah, you wouldn't believe how stressful our job here is," Flam added. "We've gotta unwind somehow."

"I...see," Twilight replied. She coughed. "So, you manage the water resources for this area?"

"That's right, little filly!" Flam said proudly. "We just happen to be lucky enough to be sitting right on top of a nice big underground reservoir!"

"But we can't just hand it over to the townsponies," Flim explained, pouring himself a cup of tea. "They don't know how to manage water, you see, so it'd all be gone in a week!"

"Yeah, you can't just drink it all up without rationing, filtering, pumping, recycling..." Flam added.

"I get it, I get it," Twilight interrupted. "So you sell water to a dried-out town."

Flim sighed. "Well, we did until five days ago."

"We've been under attack, you see," his brother added. "Somepony wants us dead."

"We heard about that," Twilight said.

"That's why we hired this charming little pegasus!" Flam said, gesturing to the blue mare, who stood at attention, saluting smartly.

"Yes! The coolest, most awesome pegasus in the world, the pony who flies faster and shoots straighter than anypony else, the mare with the bounty of sixty billion bits on her head...I am that mare!"

"So you ARE Dash the Stampede!" Pinkie exclaimed happily. "We did it, Twilight! We found Dash!"

Twilight groaned. "Get serious, Pinkie. There's no WAY this...CLOWN is THE legendary outlaw."

"CLOWN?!" the pegasus protested, fuming. "I oughtta—"

"We were surprised too," Flim said, ignoring the ranting pegasus, who sank back onto the sofa in a deep sulk. A slip of paper levitated from the corner desk onto the table in front of the insurance mares. "After the attack, we put out an ad for a bodyguard, you see. We asked for a pony with ace gunfighter skills like Dash the Stampede."

"Imagine our surprise when the real thing showed up!" Flam added.

"Yeah, you see? The real thing. The. Real. Thing," the pegasus interjected, flying over the table and jabbing Twilight in the chest with a forehoof for emphasis.

"Yeah, I'll just bet," Twilight muttered, facehoofing. "Do you really, honestly believe a wanted outlaw would just respond to an ad like this out of the blue?"

"Why not? Even outlaws gotta eat," Flim shrugged. "Besides, we're a little desperate. You see..."

The velvet curtain opened again, and there was a new pony on the stage. The red-coated pegasus mare suddenly focused her attention raptly on this newcomer, wings flared in excitement.

The mare on the stage was also a pegasus; she wore a midnight blue spandex bodysuit which covered her from head to hoof; the only exposed parts of her body were her wings, ears and snout, which were of a cyan color similar to the rainbow-maned pony. Her mane and tail, however, were a bright, shiny white. Heavy goggles covered her eyes, and a stylized lightning bolt graced the flank of her bodysuit where her cutie mark would normally appear.

"Oh wow!" Pinkie exclaimed. "So you have a twin too?" she asked the red-coated mare.

"Nah, we're not related. I kinda wish we were, though..."

Flam explained, "This is Fleetfoot, a member of the Wonderbolts."

"Wonderbolts?" Pinkie asked.

"They're a world-famous aerial stunt team," Twilight explained. "They fly all over the world, putting on stunt-flying shows for everypony."

"And we could really use a break on our insurance premiums," Fleetfoot said as she stepped down from the stage and sat primly at the table. "We're really getting bucked in the flank..."

"Not...really my department, sorry," Twilight said with a nervous laugh.

"Fleetfoot's been staying with us recently," Flim said, "to work out an agreement to put on a show here, you see."

"To revitalize the town, you see," Flam added. "On account of how dead things've been, what with the drought and all..."

"Yes, we noticed how quiet and empty the town is," Twilight said, nodding.

"Well, we certainly can't let anything bad happen to our guest, and of course we don't want to get killed ourselves," Flim said with a chuckle, "so that's why we hired Dash here to be our bodyguard, you see."

"You can count on me!" the multihued pegasus said, striking a confident, reassuring pose.

Twilight's left ear twitched. "Um...could I talk to you for juuuuust a second?" she asked Flam.

"Why certainly, little lady!" the yellow unicorn replied. The two of them both vanished in bursts of light; a moment later, their muffled voices could be heard from behind the velvet curtain.

"I hate to tell you this, but you're being deceived."

"On the contrary! We're the ones doing the deceiving!"

"Come again?"

"Okay look...obviously that rainbow-haired loony out there isn't the real Dash. But you see, it doesn't matter! Just the word getting out that we hired Dash the Stampede as our bodyguard guarantees our safety! Nopony's stupid enough to try to attack the mansion as long as they think a legendary ace gunpony is hanging around, you see."

"So that's how it is..."

"Funny thing, though...when that pony showed up at our door, for a minute we thought she was the one trying to kill us! At least, until we got a good look at that mane. The pony trying to kill us wears a long red coat just like that, and has a big silver gun just like that, but has a white mane, you see."

"A white mane just like Fleetfoot's?"

"Hmm...now that you mention it..."

Outside the curtain, Pinkie asked Fleetfoot, "Are you secretly a merciless outlaw out to kill Mr. Flim and Mr. Flam?"

The Wonderbolt raised a forehoof; a pained grimace crossed her face. "Of course not! Why would you even—"

"Hey, back off, ya pink weirdo!" the other pegasus exclaimed hotly, getting right in Pinkie's face. "There's no WAY a Wonderbolt would ever do somethin' like that!"

"Oh, okay. I just wondered."

Flam and Twilight reappeared. "Alright then...it's decided. Since it's entirely possible the pony after your lives is the real Dash, Pinkie and I will stay on as bodyguards and help investigate the situation. AND, we won't even charge for our services."

"Splendid, splendid!" Flim exclaimed exuberantly. "We're really grateful, really and truly grateful!"

"Since when does the definition of 'bodyguard' include 'kitchen staff'?" Twilight grumbled as she stirred a pot using magic.

On the other side of the kitchen, Pinkie was happily baking a pan of muffins. "Oh, I don't mind at all, I love cooking and baking!" she beamed.

"Now, Pinkie, stay focused," Twilight admonished. "Something very strange is going on in this town, and I don't entirely trust anypony in this house."

"...but...I'm a pony in this house..." Pinkie said, eyes watering, a hoof raised to her mouth. "You don't trust ME?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Of COURSE I trust YOU, Pinkie! I meant the brothers and that Wonderbolt and especially that crazy pegasus!"

"Oh. ...Okay!"

The hired gunpony prowled the halls of the mansion. As she rounded a corner, she collided nose-first with Fleetfoot, who crashed to the floor with a sharp cry.

"Omigosh, I'm so sorry!" the red-clad mare exclaimed, leaning down to examine the stunt flier. "Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah," Fleetfoot replied, rubbing her sore nose with a hoof. "Don't worry about it."

"So hey, I wanted to talk to you about the Wonderbolts—"

"Um...could we maybe talk after dinner?" the white-maned pony interrupted. "I've gotta go over some plans and stuff..."

"Oh, okay. Sure, no problem. See you at dinner then." The rainbow-maned mare trotted off down the hall, ears flat and head hung low.

Fleetfoot watched her go, frowned, then continued on her way.

Twilight went out into the small garden in the mansion's courtyard to pull up some daffodils to use as garnish. As she did so, she saw, through one of the windows, the Wonderbolt creep into a room and prowl around, looking nervous.

The unicorn frowned. "Wait a second...is that...the brothers' study?"

Late that evening, an hour after dinner, the hired bodyguard began searching the mansion fervently. Cantering into the sitting room, she called out, "Fleetfoot? Hey, Fleetfoot? Where are you? I drew you up a nice hot bath..."

"Wow, you're really sucking up to that stuntpony," Twilight commented somewhat acidly.

The gunpony reared up, kicking the air with her forelegs. "Hey! You startled me! And I'm NOT sucking up to Fleetfoot!" She paused, setting her hooves back down and shuffling them somewhat nervously, head bowed. "It's...I just...the Wonderbolts are my idols, okay?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She frowned. "Have you seen Mr. Flim or Mr. Flam? I wanted to let them know I'm taking first watch..."

The pegasus scratched at her multihued mane with a hoof. "Now that you mention it, not since dinner..."

"Hey Twilight?" Pinkie called, running up with something in her mouth. She spat it out on the floor. "Look what I found..."

The three mares stared down at the rumpled spandex suit, goggles, and a pile of blood-stained bandages.

Twilight's eyes narrowed. "I knew it."

"Huh?" the blue mare cried. "You don't think—" she drew back. "No way! There's just no WAY!"

"The evidence is pretty overwhelming," Twilight pointed out.

"And I'm tellin' ya, you crazy horse, Wonderbolts don't go around shootin' at people!" the gunpony exclaimed, wings flared wide...

Her left wing got tangled up in a velvet cord hanging from the ceiling. She yelped and fought to free herself; as she did so, she tugged on the cord, causing the velvet curtains to open. A second, harder tug caused a secret panel in the stage floor to drop open with a loud *thunk*.

The three ponies stared at the suddenly-revealed secret passage.

"Maybe everypony went down there," Pinkie suggested. Twilight facehoofed.

Fleetfoot, clad in a tight red longcoat with a star-shaped silver badge pinned to the chest, crept quietly around a dimly-lit cavern beneath the mansion. A large, shiny silver gun peeked out of a holster just under her right foreleg. Before her loomed a large dam, enormous vacuum tubes atop the concrete structure glowing with the electricity being generated.

As she approached the dam, eyes narrowed, hidden speakers began broadcasting scratchy carnival music.

"So here you are, our little superstar! But you're not really a flying ace!"

The pegasus' eyes widened in alarm as the two unicorn brothers emerged from the shadows on opposite ends of the cave. They had sinister expressions on their faces, and the timbre of their singing was menacing.

"You're a spy, come a-snoopin' for our dirty little secrets, it's as plain as the nose on your face!"

Scowling, Fleetfoot drew her weapon; she squeezed the custom mouth-trigger, and the massive gun fired a horseshoe at the nearer brother. The recoil caused her to wince; her shot went wide, the horseshoe clattering against the concrete canal running through the center of the cave.

"Well you gave us quite a scare, you silly little mare, but you know we can't let you go!"
"You're a threat and a menace, you're a spanner in the works, you could ruin the whole darn show!"
"But you're not quite up to form, no, not really at your norm, 'cause we shot you, me oh myyyyyyyyyyy—"

Without warning, the two brothers disappeared and reappeared in a flash, surrounding her; Flam bucked in her the side where she had taken a bullet the night before, and she collapsed to the ground with a pained scream.

"—so say goodnight, my snoopy little pony, 'cause noooow yoooooooou're goooonnnnaaaaaaa diiiiiiiiiiiiie!"

"Hey you know somethin'? You guys' singin' really sucks," a voice interrupted. The brothers and their victim looked up to see the red-clad, rainbow-maned mare hovering above the landing of the secret passage. A moment later, Twilight Sparkle appeared beneath her in a flash, and a laughing Pinkie Pie tumbled down the ramp and rolled across the cave like a bowling ball, bouncing off the rock wall with an odd *sproing* before uncurling and landing on all four hooves beside her partner.

"O-ho, more party crashers, brother mine!" Flim exclaimed.

"One, four, it doesn't matter. They won't be the first nosy ponies we've had to take care of," Flam replied calmly.

Twilight narrowed her eyes. "You two are slime," she spat.

"Maybe so, but we're RICH slime!" Flim said jovially. His horn glowed, and a handgun appeared in front of him, aimed at the purple mare.

The rainbow-maned pegasus, meanwhile, had flown over to attend to her fallen idol. "Hey, you okay?"

"I-I'm fine," Fleetfoot replied shakily.

The gunpony noticed the silver badge on Fleetfoot's coat, and her eyes widened. "You're a marshal?" she asked.

Fleetfoot nodded as she stood, stumbling. "I was sent here undercover to try to expose these two and their little scheme."

The other pegasus looked up and frowned. "That dam...it's causing the drought in town, isn't it?"

"So what if it is? That water passes under our land, we can do whatever we please!" Flim snorted, not taking his eyes off Twilight, who stood frozen in place.

A rainbow blur suddenly filled his vision, and he was sent flying across the cave, crashing head-first into a pile of ice blocks. His gun clattered noisily to the cave floor.

"Why you little—!" Flam shouted, magically drawing and firing his own gun. The other ponies present stared in surprise as the cocky pegasus dodged the bullet with contemptuous ease.

"Wow, she's fast," Pinkie said, impressed.

Twilight's mouth dropped open. "How did she...?"

"HAH! You'll never hit the fastest flier in the whole entire world!" the rainbow-maned mare laughed. "Come on, keep shootin'! I'll dodge every last one!"

"I'll take you up on that," Flam said.

"So will I," Flim added, recovering shakily.

For the next thirty seconds, the cave was filled with streaks of rainbow light as the gunpony dodged a barrage of bullets fired by the two brothers. By the time they ran empty, their target hadn't taken a single hit.

"My turn," she said, drawing her revolver.

The unicorn brothers glanced at one another.

"Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin', brother mine?"

"Indeed I am, Flim, indeed I am!" Flam's mustache twitched. The brothers nodded to one another, then turned to face the dam. Their horns glowed...

A panel on the face of the dam slid open with a loud grinding sound, and a massive gatling cannon emerged.

The pegasus' eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "Oh crap."

Twilight and Pinkie stared, stunned. "What the hay?!" the purple unicorn gasped.

"That's one biiiiiiiig gun," Pinkie said quietly. "Even bigger than mine..."

"DIE!" the brothers cried in unison as the massive barrel began to rotate, spewing out blazing death.

With an alarmed yelp, the multihued mare dove behind the pile of ice blocks. Ice chips flew in every direction as the bullets bit into and ricocheted off of the blocks, sending everypony scrambling for cover. Getting an idea, the pegasus hefted one of the massive ice blocks off the top of the pile and, with effort, flew straight at the dam. She had nearly reached the barrel of the gatling gun, her shield of ice dangerously depleted, when there was a sudden shattering of glass, followed by a loud *pop-fizzle* sound.

One of the tubes atop the dam had shattered, and the generator was shorting out.

The gun turret ground to a halt, its source of power cut off, and everypony emerged from their hiding places.

Two pegasi held cocked guns to the foreheads of the two stallions, who swallowed audibly.

"Just—just who are you, anyway?" Flam asked the rainbow-maned pony.

She grinned cockily. "I'm just a bodyguard, doin' the job you hired her for. I'm protectin' Fleetfoot here."

"And I'm arresting you two," the marshal added.

"Um...everypony?" Pinkie asked suddenly. "Is...um...is the dam supposed to be leaking and sparking and smoking and steaming and hissing like that?"

The pegasi and unicorns turned to look at the dam...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Six thoroughly drenched ponies, two of them hog-tied and unconscious, stood on the ridge overlooking Creber.

Or what little could be seen of it. Only the rooftops of the larger buildings were still visible; the rest of the valley was completely flooded. An extremely irritated white rabbit could be seen riding atop a broken restaurant sign, a sad little pile of soggy lettuce beside him.

"Don't worry about the town," Fleetfoot said. "The water will go back underground where it belongs, and the town will prosper like never before."

"That's a relief," Twilight said. "It's also a good thing the town was pretty much deserted in the first place."

"There is that," the marshal nodded. She turned to her rainbow-maned savior. "But you know, you were really something down there. Something completely and totally insane, but something."

The other pegasus rubbed the back of her head sheepishly with a hoof. "Aww, it was nothin'," she said.

"But you know...the way you dodged all those bullets...it's almost as if you really WERE Dash the Stampede," Fleetfoot mused.

"Yeah?" the multihued mare replied, preening her pinions. "And what if I was?"

"Then I'd arrest you," the marshal said simply.

"Right...of course you would." The cocky mare stopped preening, suddenly less cheerful.

"So, your job here's done, right?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah, pretty much," Fleetfoot replied.

"Unfortunately, we're right back where we started..." Twilight sighed. Then she noticed that the rainbow-maned pegasus was taking off. "You're leaving already?" she asked.

"Yeah, not much point stickin' around here. Adios!"

The group watched her until she was a speck on the horizon.

"She might make a good Wonderbolt," Fleetfoot commented.

"If you say so," Twilight said, shaking her head. "Come on, Pinkie, we'd best get going too."

"Dammit," the pegasus grumbled as she flew over the desert in the pale moonlight. "My perfect chance to get in good with the Wonderbolts...but I don't wanna get arrested...bet I get blamed for this one too..."

Derpy Hooves. A mare who spends her days and nights lost in muffins and cider.

Derpy Hooves. A pony who used to believe in something. Now she just derps around, making messes for other ponies to clean up.

What do you believe in? What does anypony believe in? Everypony needs a purpose in life.

Derpy Hooves. A pony without a purpose, looking for answers in the bottom of a bottle.

The next chapter of Skygun, "Mess Maker", is gonna be 20% derpier...

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Since 9/19/12