The world had become incredibly dull since the mad god Kefka had been deposed, his tower smashed and his Light of Judgement dashed for all time.
In the new world of peace, there was no more fighting. Nobody wanted to fight, nobody needed to fight...
Yes, it had become overwhelmingly dull.
After four months, the proprietor of the Colosseum decided "to hell with this" and found a new world, a world teeming with combatants, a world hungry for intense, violent entertaiment.
Buying a small island used only once every few years for a global fighting tournament, he began making changes, hiring new staff, and searching for the most interesting fighters from across the universe, from beyond time and space.
Of course, he had run into one particularly inconvenient snag:
He was an octopus. And for some reason, most people just weren't willing to trust a talking octopus.
And so, even as he schemed and dreamed and plotted and planned, the maniacal octopus turned successful enterpreneur Orthros began searching for someone who could make it all come together, bring his grand dream to life.
Oddly enough, he found his man in New Mexico.
* * * * *
A middle-aged, tired-looking man with a scrubby reddish-brown goatee and wire-frame glasses was led into a posh office. Behind the desk was a large...something. It looked like a giant pepper shaker, except for the plunger and eggbeater sticking out of the middle of it, and the glowing blue light on the end of an antenna that was presently fixated on him like an eerie, unblinking eye.
"WELCOME," it said in a shrieking, electronically-modulated voice. To the men who had escorted him into the office, it added, "LEAVE US."
Once the two men had left and closed the door behind them, the shrieking metal thing hissed, steam escaping from panels that opened up and swung outward, revealing...
A purple octopus.
"What...the...hell..."
The octopus made a sound that was probably a sigh. "I'm truly sorry about that," it said in a strange, burbling voice. "You see, nobody around here knows I'm an octopus, because if they did, well..." It trailed off. "So most of the time I stay cooped up in that damned rolling coffin. It's so nice to get out and stretch my legs..." Burbling and quivering as it moved, the octopus laboriously heaved itself up onto the top of the desk.
The man seated on the other side of the desk stared in absolute disbelief. "You're...an octopus. A...talking octopus. And you're...not underwater."
"You're very, very quick on the uptake," the octopus chuckled wetly. "Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man—"
"Of wealth and taste," the man finished with him. "Yeah, I know that song."
The octopus chuckled. "Of course you do." Shuffling around slightly on the oak desk, the strange creature continued, "My name is Orthros. I've invited you here because I have a proposition for you."
"A proposition. From an octopus."
"From a very, very rich octopus, with access to knowledge and technology you would never know or see in your entire lifetime—even if you weren't dying as we speak."
The man frowned. "This is without a doubt the most absurd situation I have ever found myself in. And given what I've been through in recent months, that's definitely saying something."
The octopus laughed. "You haven't even scratched the surface of absurd yet."
"Alright...just out of curiosity, what exactly is this proposition?"
"Right...to business." The octopus paused to lift a jar of muddy-looking water with heavy salt deposits caked to the bottom and took a long drink from it through a bent straw. "I'm building a mixed fighting federation. And by mixed, I mean REALLY mixed. Not like those mixed martial arts matches on your world. I mean beings with skills, weapons, and powers that only exist in fantasy where you come from, but are very real everywhere else."
"That sounds...interesting. Not really my thing, but..."
Orthros burbled for a moment. "You see, the problem is, I've got the money, I've got the technology, and I've got the brains for this business—I ran a rather successful colosseum on my own world for quite some time, and I must say I was one of the few enterpreneurs turning a profit considering an insane god had just turned the whole world to shit." He paused. "But, well...it's a little hard to find people who feel at ease around a talking octopus."
"I can imagine."
"So what I need is—"
"A face. A human face. Someone who looks like he's running the show, when it's really you pulling the strings from the shadows."
"Exactly."
The man shook his head. "You'll have to find someone else. I'm kind of at a crossroads right now, and the last thing I need—"
"You're not at a crossroads, you're at a dead end, and you know it." Orthros sipped his salty, muddy water again. "You've burned all your bridges, you betrayed the one real friend and ally you had, and you've still got the little problem that got you into this mess in the first place. Not to mention, THEY don't need you anymore. You pretty much saw to that yourself."
The man's jaw worked angrily, but he remained silent, glaring coldly at the octopus.
"Here's the deal," Orthros said. "You work for me, be the public face of my enterprise. In return, you'll have access to knowledge you never dreamed of. And technology, power...somewhere out there exists the power to cure you. Permanently. And to do things you've only ever dreamed were possible. So many things can be yours...that dead end can become an open road."
The man was quiet for a moment, but his eyes showed that he was giving serious thought to the proposition. "Why me?" he asked eventually. "Why do I deserve this...honor? What made you specifically select ME to be your proxy?"
The octopus's tentacles twitched. "There are several reasons," he said. "First, it's because you're smart. Damn smart. You learn fast and you're good at thinking on your feet. I need someone like that, someone who can deal with unexpected problems that come up and have to be resolved right away. And you're definitely good at that." He chuckled. "Also, it's because you are an absolute bastard, and I like that. I used to be one myself, before I became respectable."
The man's mouth twitched, almost forming a sardonic smile. "Funny, I used to be respectable before I became an absolute bastard."
"Which brings me to my last reason. People trust you. You have one of those faces, you have that demeanor about you. They look at you and they talk to you and they see...a guy. An ordinary guy. You put people at ease. Even people who know what you really are and should know better than to trust you. Like your partner, for instance."
The man's eyes clouded at that. "Bringing up...what I did...isn't exactly scoring points here."
"My point is, you're the kind of man who people feel so comfortable around that they're easy to take in, and you're also the kind of man who can be the most ruthless, cold-blooded bastard imaginable at the drop of a hat. That's exactly the kind of man I need to manage my organization." Orthros chuckled. "Hell, you're the first person I've come out of that tin can over there in front of. I should know better than to trust you like that, but..."
"I don't respond well to bullshit," the man said. "So put away the shovel."
Orthros burbled. "Fair enough." He paused. "In any case, you're my first choice for this, because you can handle people. You can handle people as a friend, and you can handle people as enemies. And you're smart enough to know which is which, and how far is too far to push someone. And, like I said, your life is kinda stuck right now, AND you're dying. I can fix that."
The man stroked his bearded chin for a moment, brow furrowed as he pondered the octopus' words. At length,he nodded. "I need more details, but...you have my attention."
"Excellent," Orthros said. "Now, here's what I've got in mind..."
* * * * *
The next few hours were spent going over the finer points of Orthros' plan, with some input from his prospective employee. By the end of the meeting, the man had agreed to accept the octopus' offer, and was installed as the fledgeling federation's operating manager.
Most of the legwork, of course, was done by employees further down the chain of command; most did not even know there WAS a boss higher up the chain. Over the course of seven weeks, a great many things happened: staff were hired, the arena was constructed, technical issues were addressed, fighters were canvassed, and many, many dossiers crossed the manager's desk.
At the beginning of the eighth week, the first of many orientations commenced on the island which would soon be home to the most exciting and popular sports entertainment franchise the universe would ever see—or, at least, its owner and manager had high hopes it would.
The man stepped up to the podium and gazed out over the throng of assorted fighters milling around. They were quite a group, composed of beings of many races and backgrounds—even entirely different SPECIES, and some that simply defied logic.
Picking up the remote for the projector, he tapped the microphone to make sure it was working, cleared his throat, and smiled hopefully at the crowd below.
"Hello and welcome, all of you," he said. "My name is Heisenberg, and I'm here to talk to you about this little organization I like to call..."
The stadium which was traditionally home to the Tenka-ichi Budokai had undergone significant changes over the past several weeks. Its seating capacity had been increased by nearly five thousand; a new domed roof had been erected, and a number of enormous screens had been suspended from the rafters, circling the stadium so that every seat in the arena had a clear view of one or more screens.
At the center of the stadium stood a large, raised, two-tier platform. The lower tier, the original battle stage of the Budokai, was a square concrete affair only a foot deep. The upper tier, clearly more recently constructed, was a round steel circle erected atop the lower platform, encircled by steel rails stacked two meters high. Two long catwalks led to the locking gates on opposite sides; the platform had a thick canvas-covered mat riveted to it, with the word "ULTIMA" painted in the center.
Camera crews stationed around the stadium were panning over the empty ring, the screens displaying advertisements, and the three-quarters capacity crowd which had turned out for the very first broadcast of the new fighting league. They knew absolutely nothing about the fighters who would be participating, or the league itself, but these were hardcore fight fans, and they loved a good show.
Tonight would be the birth of the new sensation in sports entertainment.
Tonight, there would be blood spilled in the arena.
Tonight, teeming crowds would roar and cheer at the gratuitous violence.
Tonight, the first six matches of Ultima would be fought.
And Orthros would make a killing.
From his private office in the corporate headquarters of Ultima, Orthros listened in to the crew chatter from the arena's control booth, where his manager was making the final checks and preparations before the show went live.
"Everything set, boys?" Heisenberg asked his technical directors.
"All systems go, chief!" the boy with the rather triangular head verified. His brother, green-haired and silent, simply offered a thumbs-up.
"Great, because we're live in ten...
"...nine...
"...eight...
"...seven...
"...six...
"five...four...
"three...two...
"ONE!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, all sentient beings across the universe...
THIS! IS! !!"
The lights dimmed, and fireworks exploded from the ring, security barriers, rafters, and screens, a dazzling display whose loud bangs and pops were not quite drowned out by the crowd noise. The screens went black, and the advertisements were replaced with the Ultima logo.
As the fireworks died down, spotlights roamed over the arena, and one of the cameras zoomed in on the announcers' booth, where two Japanese men sat. One had long, stringy hair and bored eyes, and rested one cheek lazily against the palm of his left hand. The other man was, quite simply, HUGE; even seated, he towered over his partner. He had short hair and a scrubby beard, and wore glasses.
Snatching his microphone right off its stand, the tall man stood and shouted exuberantly once he saw himself displayed on the screens.
"WELCOME! To our VERY! FIRST! SHOW! And we have a spectacular evening of entertainment lined up for you tonight!"
"I'm Koiwai, and this is Jumbo," the other man said into his microphone, not even bothering to lean closer to it. "We'll be here every week, talking while you're trying to watch the matches because somehow listening to us blabber on is supposed to make this all more exciting..."
"EXCITING is exactly the word to use to describe what you're going to see here tonight, folks!" Jumbo roared. "We have...SIX! SPECTACULAR! BATTLES! A dazzling array of competitors! The clash of styles, ages, sexes, and even species! You won't believe your eyes, folks!"
"Since this is our first show," Koiwai said, "We've been asked to explain how this whole thing works. Ultima has three separate divisions, with three championship belts for fighters to contend for. Division R, or 'Regular', is for fighters whose skills are suited to one-on-one matches ranging from regular martial arts to melee weapons and magic, along with abilities unlike anything you can imagine."
"Division T," Jumbo picked up, "is our tag team division. The fighters are similar in skill to our Division R roster, and in fact Division T fighters can contend for the Division R title in solo matches, and Division R fighters can team up to contend in Division T if they so choose. And lastly..." He made a sweeping arm gesture. "Our extra-special, extra-awesome, super-cool extravaganza, Division S!"
"Division S is for competitors who, for one reason or another, have been deemed a hazard to the stadium audience, not to mention the broadcasting equipment and crew," Koiwai said. "The most high-powered beings in our federation will do battle in a specially designed hyperspace arena, with the action broadcast live to both our home viewers and the audience here at Ultima Stadium."
"We have a massive roster of fighters who will compete for the division titles and for your entertainment!" Jumbo exclaimed. "TONIGHT, you will meet but a small sample of the amazing athletes that have gathered here to do battle!"
"Tonight's matches were decided by lottery draw prior to broadcast," Koiwai explained. "There will be two matches in each division. The winners of tonight's matches will fight for the title belts next week."
"SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO!" Jumbo roared. "Let's get things underway...LET! ULTIMA! BEGIN!!"
A young man with a dark complexion, a short goatee, sunglasses, and shoulder-length, greasy black hair, dressed in a tuxedo that didn't particularly suit his rough, thuggish appearance, stood in the center of the ring, holding a microphone.
"The following match is scheduled for one fall, with a thirty minute time limit. Our first challenger, hailing from Woodcrest, the self-proclaimed voice of the truth, political activist, and martial arts expert...give it up for HUUUUUUUUUEY FREEEEEEEEEEMAN!!"
A young black child with a huge afro trudged down the catwalk, hands in the pockets of his baggy jeans, mouth set in a perpetual frown. He eyed the crowd surrounding him on all sides, shook his head, and stepped into the ring.
"Aaaaaaand his opponent...originally from Springwood! Current address HELL..."
Over the pounding metal riffs, the voices of a chorus of little girls could be heard chanting a nursery rhyme.
"One, two, Freddy's coming for you..."
"The Springwood Slasher, the son of a hundred maniacs...please welcome..."
The announcer's microphone went dead in a shower of sparks. A deep, echoing laugh resounded through the arena; the canvas in the center of the ring tore open, and a tall, lanky figure emerged. Dusty work shoes. Dingy brown trousers. A. filthy, tattered old red and green striped sweater. A beat-up brown fedora. A face made entirely of twisted, inhuman burn scars. A glove to which four long, curved razor blades had been affixed.
"Get ready...for Freddy," he taunted in a deep, menacing voice.
Huey raised an eyebrow. "Aw HELL no."
The announcer left the ring through the gate Huey had entered. From the opposite gate, a gleaming golden robot entered the ring. As soon as it did so, both ring gates automatically closed and loudly locked.
"In Ultima, there are no ringouts," Koiwai explained from ringside. "Wins are determined by knockout, count-out, forfeit, or death. All fighters are encouraged to avoid killing their opponents if at all possible. If there's no winner when time expires, the judges in our review booth will rule on the match outcome. Otherwise, match results will be decided by our referee, C-3PO."
Freddy leaned against the rails, scraping his blades along the metal with a dreadful screech and a shower of sparks. "You're a little younger than my usual playmates."
"That's not the way I heard it," Huey replied.
The burned child molester chuckled darkly. "That was a long time ago," he said. He stretched, popping his neck. "Are we gonna talk, or are we gonna—"
Huey pulled a set of nunchaku out of the back of his pants. "Whenever you're ready, Freddy."
"Ooooh, nice toy." With a menacing sneer, the nightmare made flesh began circling the ring, stalking the young boy. Huey watched him warily, spinning his weapon idly at his side.
"And it looks like we're starting the inaugural battle of Ultima with a lot of taunting," Koiwai said, looking bored at the announcer's table.
"Hey, what the hell kind of messed-up match is this?" his partner asked. "What idiot decided a little kid would fight...THAT?"
"The idiot signing our paychecks, Jumbo," Koiwai pointed out.
"Well...yeah, but even so..."
In the ring, Freddy lunged at Huey, claws extended. Huey dropped to the canvas, lashing out with a foot to trip the serial killer. As Freddy stumbled, Huey launched himself into the air with one hand, spun around, and kicked Freddy in the back of the head. As he landed, he lashed out at his opponent's knee with his nunchaku, then backflipped away, landing lightly by the rails.
Freddy staggered, claws shredding the canvas. He turned and faced Huey, snarling. "Alright, kid, you got some good moves. I like that. It wouldn't be as much fun if we didn't have more time to play..."
"Whatever," Huey replied. Swinging his nunchaku up above his head, he wrapped it around one of the ring rails and swung up; at the height of his swing, he unwrapped the weapon from the rail, grabbing on with his free hand and pushing himself even higher. He somersaulted, lashing out with the nunchaku again to grab the top rail.
"That kid's one hell of an acrobat," Jumbo said. "But what's he doing—?"
"Ooooh, running away?" Freddy sneered.
Not bothering to respond, Huey touched the rail with both feet and pushed off hard, aiming himself at the center of the ring in a diving side kick.
"Oh, please," Freddy scoffed, rocking back into a defensive stance and raising his blades to messily intercept his opponent...
And Huey tucked into a roll, twisting sideways and striking out with his nunchaku, cracking the weapon against the back of Freddy's hand. Bones cracked audibly; many in the audience winced.
"OUCH!" Jumbo cried. "A powerful strike for the pint-sized powerhouse!"
Huey landed on the canvas and turned to face Freddy, dropping into a loose ready stance.
The burned killer howled in pain and turned to face his opponent. "You little son of a—"
"Your move," Huey taunted, making a come-hither gesture.
Freddy lunged at Huey, rage in his eyes. He missed by a mile and plowed into the canvas. The black boy jumped onto his back, swung his nunchaku over his head, and brought it down hard. There was a loud, sickening crack as the nunchaku struck the back of Freddy's head.
"Oh my GOD!" Jumbo roared. "The Freeman boy's busting some skulls!"
"Had enough?" Huey asked, idly twirling his nunchaku.
Threepio walked over and administered the count. When Freddy failed to rise, the droid amplified his speech processors. "The winner, by knockout, is Huey Freeman."
WINNER
The crowed roared approval. The gates opened, and medics rushed in with a stretcher to collect the downed serial killer. As Huey walked out of the ring, he raised one fist in a salute, head bowed and eyes closed.
"What an INCREDIBLE way to start our show!" Jumbo exclaimed. "And coming up next...our first tag-team match! Don't go anywhere, folks, ULTIMA is JUST! GETTING! STARTED!"
* * * * *
Backstage, Huey ran into a dark-haired teenage girl wearing a black bunny-girl outfit and holding a microphone. A bored-looking cameraman was trailing behind her.
He sighed. "Lemme guess. You wanna interview me, right?"
"That's right!" she said cheerfully. She leaned over, giving the young boy an ample view of her cleavage. "You do want to say a few words to all your new fans, right?"
The black boy shrugged. "I guess."
"Great!" the bunny-girl exclaimed, standing straight. Turning to face the camera, she waited for her cameraman to give her a thumbs-up.
"Hi~~i! I'm Haruhi, backstage here at Ultima, and I have with me our very first winner, Division R's current number one title contender, Huey Freeman! Huey, any thoughts on your win tonight?"
Huey shrugged. "Dude can't fight worth shit," he said. "I mean, he's supposed to be some scary badass monster serial killer, but all he's got are some bullshit knives and no skills. I've fought fat old niggas tougher than him. My GRANDAD could probably whup his ass."
"Ouch! Harsh words," Haruhi said. "So, think you'll be the first ever Division R champion next week?"
"Dunno," Huey replied. "I don't know who I'm gonna hafta fight, ain't got no idea what kinda fighter they are." He shrugged again. "Doesn't matter, this whole thing's some ol' bullshit." He shuffled off down the hall to his dressing room.
"And there you have it!" Haruhi said into her microphone. "Now, back to the arena for our next match!"
Once the camera was off, her cameraman muttered, "If that kid thinks this is all bullshit, what's he doing here then?"
"Good question," Haruhi replied. "Maybe we'll find out later. Come on, let's see if we can find something interesting going on back here."
"I'd kinda rather watch the next fight."
Haruhi kicked him. "Who's your leader again?"
Kyon sighed. "Fine, fine..."
* * * * *
The ring had been repaired and slightly reconfigured; the gates that had locked behind the two fighters in the first match had been replaced with chest-high turnstiles. The bearded, sunglasses-wearing ring announcer once again stood at the center of the ring. "The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall, with a thirty minute time limit. Now entering the ring, two young ninja from the Village Hidden in the Leaves..."
A young boy with spiky blond hair, whisker-like marks on his cheeks, and a bright orange jumpsuit ambled into the ring. Two paces behind him was a nervous-looking girl with bobbed dark blue hair and pale lavender-white pupilless eyes, wearing blue pants and a heavy gray jacket. She kept her eyes cast downward as she shuffled behind her partner.
"Team Konoha: Uzumaki Naruto and Hyuuga Hinata!"
The crowd applauded the two shinobi; Naruto waved and smiled at them, while Hinata, red-faced, attempted to shrink into her own jacket.
"And their opponents, hailing from Middleton..."
Two teenagers, a boy and a girl, walked into the ring. The boy was completely unremarkable, with short, sloppy blond hair and a mess of freckles, wearing jeans, sneakers, and a red shirt. The girl had more of a 'fighter' vibe to her, with black sneakers, cargo pants, a deep purple crop top, and black gloves. She had long red hair and startling green eyes.
"Team Possible: Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable!"
"Hiya!" Kim greeted her opponents. "Nice to meet you."
"Yeah, let's have a good match," the spiky-haired boy ninja replied. "But I'm totally gonna kick your butts. Believe it!"
Kim chuckled. "Okay then. Ron? Want me to start off?"
"Huh? Oh, sure, KP." Ron ambled over to the turnstile and left the ring.
"Hinata? Want to fight first?" Naruto asked his partner.
"Um...n-no...that's okay, Naruto-kun...you can start..."
"If you're sure," Naruto replied with a shrug.
Hinata left the ring. "Good luck, Naruto-kun!" she called softly.
"Wow, your girlfriend sure is shy," Kim said.
"She's not my girlfriend!" Naruto said defensively. "But she is pretty shy, yeah."
"Remember, only one fighter per team in the ring at a time," the announcer advised. "Only legal tags count. All the Division R rules apply." He exited the ring; Threepio entered.
"And our first tag match is underway," Koiwai said.
Naruto stretched, popping his neck and cracking his knuckles. Kim settled into a guarded stance. They stood still for a long moment, gauging each other.
"Well this is interesting," Koiwai quipped.
"Dumbass!" Jumbo barked. "They're both clearly seasoned fighters! They're studying one another for weaknesses! This is how true warriors—"
Kim leapt at Naruto, executing a flawless triple spin kick. She struck the younger ninja right in the face...
Naruto disappeared in a puff of smoke, and Kim landed awkwardly, spinning around to find...a two-by-four. "Huh? What the—?"
"KP! LOOK OUT!"
Only Kim's reflexes saved her from the hail of shuriken that rained down from the rafters. "Gah! HEY! You could hurt someone with—oooooh!"
Naruto fell in behind his weapons, and Kim met him with a handspring chained into a somersault and a rising uppercut. However, once again, when her attack connected, Naruto disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Okay, what the hell's going on here?" Koiwai asked, leaning forward on the table.
"He's a ninja," Jumbo replied. "Obviously he's using ninja magic to deceive his opponent—and the rest of us."
Kim growled irritably. "Okay, this is getting old—"
All of the shuriken scattered around the ring floor exploded into puffs of smoke—before turning into multiple blond ninjas.
"HOLY SHIT!" Jumbo cried. "WHAT AN AMAZING TRICK!"
"Huh? What...what the heck?!" Kim looked around wildly, bewildered.
"SURPRISE!" the Narutos yelled in unison, circling her and grinning cheekily.
"HEY! REF! NO! FOUL!" Ron called from the side of the ring.
"Oh...oh my," Threepio said, looking around wildly. "I'm sorry, but the rules clearly state, one legal man in the ring at a time..."
"And there's only one legal man in," one of the Narutos replied. "There's just a whole lot of me. But they're all me, so it's still legal."
Threepio looked confused—an impressive feat indeed for a droid with a fixed facial expression. "Well...I..."
Kim narrowed her eyes and launched into action, flipping and handspringing around the ring and hitting every single Naruto she could reach. The blond ninjas all exploded in puffs of smoke; when Kim finally came to a rest against the rails, she was completely alone in the ring. "Not AGAIN—"
The canvas itself exploded upward beneath her, revealing four more Narutos, one of which kicked her into the air. "U!"
The other three jumped high into the air, propelling each other higher and higher, and kicked Kim up into the rafters. "ZU!" "MA!" "KI!"
Kim was nearly into the lighting rig when Naruto dropped down from above her. "NARUTO RENDAN!" He seized her around the waist and twisted so that Kim would land head-first on the canvas.
"OH MY GOD! A powerbomb from all the way up there?!" Jumbo roared. "There won't be anything left of Possible-san!"
"I think we're gonna need custodial to ringside," Koiwai said nervously.
A full meter above the ring, Kim twisted around and kicked out of the hold, launching herself at an awkward sideways angle. She hit the top bar butt-first, folded over, and slid off the rail. Below, Ron frantically scrambled to catch her, and wound up plowed into the stadium floor, pinned down by his own girlfriend.
In the middle of the ring, the extra Narutos vanished, and the one remaining Naruto stood in the center of the mat, grinning and waving at the crowd. His grin faded when he realized a good portion of the crowd were jeering him.
Threepio exited the ring and looked down from the catwalk at the downed tag team. "Excuse me," he called politely. "I...don't quite know how to ask this, but...which of you is the legal fighter right now, and would you please mind returning to the ring?"
"Uh...I think we're done for today," Ron called from underneath Kim. "Go ahead and call it."
"If you're sure..." The droid returned to the ring, amplifying his voice unit. "The winners by forfeit, Team Konoha."
WINNER
The jeering from the crowd grew louder; Naruto became visibly annoyed, while Hinata wilted and shrunk further into her jacket.
"The audience doesn't seem to like what just happened," Koiwai remarked.
"I don't know what their problem is," Jumbo commented. "That was a pretty good move. I mean, that's what we're here for, isn't it? To see people beating the crap out of each other?"
"I guess it's because it looked kind of unfair," Koiwai said. "I mean, there were what, a half a dozen copies of that kid in the ring? And how the hell did he DO that, anyway?"
"Maybe we'll find out next week," Jumbo replied. "And now, we'll take a short break to prepare for our very first Division S match!"
* * * * *
"Uuuuugh," Kim groaned, leaning on Ron for support as they trudged to her dressing room. "Last time I took a beating like that, Shego was on the rag..."
"PMS jokes, Kimmy? Really?" a most unwelcome voice interjected.
Kim looked up...and groaned again. "What...are YOU...doing here?" she asked, shrugging Ron off and settling into the best stance she could given her current level of pain.
Shego snorted. "Puh-LEEZE, Princess. Like I've got nothing better to do than..." She paused. "Well, actually, I don't—"
"No fighting backstage!" a voice called. Haruhi rushed up, her camerman Kyon right behind her. "Don't make me call security!"
"Yeah yeah, fine," Shego said. "Besides, after the beating Kimmy just took, it wouldn't even be fun."
Kim, realizing she was not about to have to fight her arch nemesis, relaxed; Ron subtly took hold of her to support her weight. "Again, Shego, WHAT are you doing here?"
"Moi?" Shego asked. "I'm a Division R competitor, of course."
"You're IN this thing?" Ron asked.
"Sounded like fun," Shego replied, shrugging. "And the pay's a hell of a lot better than Dr. D's fronting." She smirked. "Didn't know you were here, though. Maybe I'll have to find a tag partner so I can beat the pep out of you on international TV."
"Bring it, Shego," Kim replied sourly. "Anytime, anywhere." She grimaced. "Except right now. Ugh..."
Giving Shego a dirty look, Ron carefully helped Kim off to her dressing room.
"Amazing!" Haruhi cried into her microphone. "It looks like a rivalry just blossomed! And you saw it right here!" She thrust her microphone at the green-clad, dark-haired woman. "So, you're Shego, right? What's up with you and Kim Possible?"
"Oh, we go way back," Shego said airily. "I work for this evil scientist who's always trying to take over the world, Kimmy's always stopping him, we fight...you know, classic hero and villain rivalry."
"I see! That sounds...interesting." Haruhi touched the nearly-invisible earpiece she wore. "Oops! We're running long...back to Jumbo and Koiwai!"
* * * * *
"Welcome back!" Jumbo enthused. "And now, time for our very first Division S match! If everyone in the arena would please direct your attention to the screens..."
The screens around the stadium all showed a view of a vast, empty space with walls of interconnected translucent polygons joined by thin lighted rods.
"What you're seeing, folks," Koiwai explained, "is the Ultimasphere. It's a special hyperspace arena constructed in high orbit by the Ultima tech crew. Fighters are teleported to the Ultimasphere, which is designed to safely contain damage equivalent to the simultaneous detonation of fifty hydrogen bombs. Beyond that, the tech boys are a little shaky on the safety margin of the Ultimasphere, but it's high enough in orbit that if the worst happens, well...nothing bad should happen. Probably."
"And the interior can generate any environment our staff can come up with!" Jumbo added. "Deserts, jungles, forests, oceans, cities—you name it, and the Ultimasphere can make it a reality...for our fighters to completely destroy!"
"Looks like we're about to get underway," Koiwai pointed out.
On the screens, the empty Ultimasphere gradually changed; the polygonal tiles and lighted rods became a barren, rocky plateau. A figure limned in green light appeared in the middle of the featureless waste.
"As a special note," Koiwai commented, "for our Division S matches, we've asked the Green Lantern Corps to volunteer as special referees, as Green Lanterns are more than capable of surviving anything our overpowered combatants can dish out."
"And here come our competitors now," Jumbo picked up as a form shimmered into view in the Ultimasphere. "First up, from the wind-powered city of Fuuto, the mysterious hero..."
A humanoid figure stood in the Ultimasphere, clad entirely in form-fitting armor; the left side of his body was a dark, flat purple, while the right was a shimmery green. A silver-and-black seam split the armor evenly down the middle. Both eyes were large, red, and insectlike, and there was an antenna-like crest on his forehead.
"...KAMEN RIDER W!"
"And his opponent, hailing from whereabouts unknown, a being of pure evil, the overlord of terror..."
A second figure appeared in a flash of fire. This nightmarish being resembled a man who had been skinned, with his skinless body held together by an intricate framework of gleaming steel "bones". Tubing snaked through the metal frame and the skinless flesh, delivering unidentifiable fluids to various parts of the being's body. The skull-like chrome helmet had a grill for a mouth and a large, menacing red visor. A silver crest topped the helmet, ending in a stylized letter 'Z'; an identical 'Z' topped the long metal staff he carried.
"Evil incarnate...LORD ZEDD!"
"I will DESTROY you," Zedd snarled at W, pointing a chrome talon-tipped finger at his opponent.
"Now, count up your crimes!" W replied in a doubled voice.
A purple-skinned, pink-haired, six-armed Lantern floated down between them, face expressionless. "You know the rules," he said. "Basically, anything goes as long as you keep it confined to the Ultimasphere." He glowed green and rose up out of the battlefield.
W charged in fast, launching a volley of quick, probing strikes to test Zedd's defenses. Zedd lazily, almost contemptuously deflected the attacks with his staff. "Pathetic," the warlord snarled. As W took a step back, Zedd extended his staff and launched a lightning bolt at W. The Rider staggered under the force of the blast, sparks flying.
"Looks like a staff fight," a voice said as W's right eye flashed. "Change the Memory!"
"Ryoukai," a different voice replied as the Rider's left eye flashed. He adjusted the Driver on his belt, ejecting a purple flash drive and replacing it with a silvery-grey one.
He slammed the new drive in place, locking down the two halves of the Driver.
The left half of W's armor changed from dark purple to metallic silver, and a metal staff appeared in his hands.
"What just happened?" Koiwai asked.
Jumbo looked over data the tech crew had just sent to his iPad. "According to this, Kamen Rider W has a special ability...his powers come from devices called Gaia Memory, and he uses two of them at once—that's why his armor is half and half. The different Gaia Memories have different abilities."
"So when he changes one out, it changes his abilities and fighting style?" Koiwai asked.
"Looks that way."
Zedd snorted. "You think a puny staff is going to help you?" he sneered.
"A puny staff? No. THIS staff? Yes." W launched a new flurry of attacks. The two warriors traded attacks, feints, and parries for a few moments; Zedd leapt away from W and launched a massive fireball from the end of his staff. This time, W pointed his own staff at the incoming attack and spun it around in a tight circle, creating a miniature whirlwind which absorbed the fireball and deflected it harmlessly into the sky.
"Let's show him a new trick, partner!" W's left half said.
"I know just the one," the right half replied. Opening the Driver again, the Rider removed the green Memory from the right side and replaced it with a yellow one.
The green right half of the armor turned bright yellow. W spun his staff, and then lashed out with a strike...
"WHOA!" Jumbo yelled.
The rigid metal staff extended like a whip, crossing the distance between the Rider and Zedd and snapping around the warlord's arm, yanking him off-balance. Snapping the staff around again, W snared Zedd around the neck and dragged him partway towards him; he charged toward the downed foe, leaping into the air and landing a diving side kick with his left leg. Sparks exploded from Zedd's visor as the kick connected with his face. Finally, W snapped the whip-staff around and threw Zedd several meters away.
"I think it's time, partner!" W's left half said.
"Yeah, let's do it!" the other half replied.
W raised his staff over his head and began spinning it.
MAXIMUM DRIVE!
"Let's finish this!" the Rider exclaimed. The spinning staff created floating golden rings of light that hovered around him for a few moments. After several light rings were floating around him, W aimed his staff at Zedd. "METAL ILLUSION!"
The floating golden light rings zipped across the space between the Rider and his foe, slamming into Zedd. Each impact shook the ground with a massive explosion, and showers of sparks and smoke obscured the target.
"It looks like that's the match, folks!" Jumbo exclaimed.
W held his staff stiffly at his side, back turned to his opponent...
...and a blazing scarlet beam of energy struck him in the back, sending him flying.
Zedd rose to his feet, singed and smoking, but unharmed...and incredibly angry, his visor glowing. "Impudent..." he snarled. Dark stormclouds began to gather, and lightning stabbed the ground from the simulated sky.
"Uh...Ferb? Is it...supposed to do that?" Phineas asked in the control booth.
Ferb shook his head. "It's not the Ultimasphere. Zedd's causing that."
"Something's happening...but what?" Koiwai asked.
"This is an incredible battle!" Jumbo cried.
"TASTE MY WRATH!" Zedd roared, his body crackling with scarlet arcs of electricity, calling the fury of the artificial storm down into his staff. The powerful electrical energy flooded his body, coursing up into his visor, where he expelled it as a massive energy blast that pierced W and lifted the Rider off his feet, sending him flying into the distance.
"OH MY GOD!" Jumbo exclaimed. "So much power! W couldn't possibly have survived that!"
"He survived that," Koiwai pointed out.
MAXIMUM DRIVE!
"TRIGGER FULL BURST!"
From the distance, enormous gold and blue energy blasts swarmed Lord Zedd, spinning him around and sending up huge clouds of sparks and smoke as they struck.
W reappeared, once again in green and purple.
"We've got to get him with this attack!" W's right half said in a frantic tone. "If we don't finish it now—"
"I know, I know," the left half replied. "We can't hold it together if we do another Maximum."
Zedd had fallen to one knee, and was now standing, snarling angrily. A massive fireball gathered at the business end of his staff. "Die, impudent wretch!"
MAXIMUM DRIVE!
W lifted into the air on a cushion of wind, Zedd's fireball passing inches beneath his feet. Higher and higher he rose...Zedd charged up for another attack...
"JOKER EXTREME!"
The Rider, several meters in the air, aimed himself feet-first at Zedd and rocketed towards the ground at supersonic speeds. Halfway to the target, he split in half down the middle, his left half striking first, creating a tremendous explosion; the right half struck a second and a half later, shaking the Ultimasphere with the intensity of the impact.
"Did he just...split himself in half?" Koiwai asked.
"That looked really painful," Jumbo said, grimacing.
The crowd watched with bated breath as the smoke and dust began to clear.
In the center of the blast crater, Zedd had been driven to his knees, blackened and battered.
W lay on the ground, sprawled on his back. Arcs of green and purple energy were surging up and down his body along the silver seam of his armor. The Rider struggled to rise, but could only get one knee under him before he collapsed. He began to glow with an effect not unlike an image de-rezzing, and the armor exploded outward in a pixellated light show, revealing a Japanese youth in outdated, film noir-era clothes. He was clearly unconscious.
Zedd stood, an evil laugh rumbling from deep in his chest. "And now, it ends..."
A shimmering green forcefield appeared between him and the unconscious boy. "Yes, it ends. You've won."
Zedd glowered up at the Green Lantern. "Do not interfere—"
"I won't permit you to kill him. He's down. The victory is yours. Let it go."
The warlord snorted. "So be it, then." In a flash of crimson fire, he disappeared.
WINNER
The crowd was silent. Jumbo swallowed heavily. "And...Lord Zedd wins the match," he said softly. "We'll be back with our next Division R match in just a few minutes..."
* * * * *
"Haruhi here, reporting live from outside the Ultima Stadium medical bay. I've just been informed that Hidari Shotarou, better known as Kamen Rider W, is alive and in stable condition after that crushing defeat at the hands of the evil Lord Zedd. Unfortunately, we can't get an interview with him right now..."
"You can interview me," a voice intruded softly. Haruhi turned to see a Japanese boy around her age with feathered hair and rather loud clothing: a knee-length day-glo orange tunic over a violently pink shirt with striped sleeves so long they almost completely covered his hands. He looked rather pale and sickly and was leaning against the wall for support.
"And who are you?" Haruhi asked disdainfully.
"I'm Shotarou-kun's partner," the boy replied simply.
Haruhi raised an eyebrow. "Partner? You mean his lover? Do we have gay boy-boy love-love right here in Ultima Stadium?"
"Huh?" the boy replied. "What are you talking about? I mean I'm his partner." He reached into a pocket of his flowing tunic and pulled out a green Gaia Memory. "Together, we're two detectives that fight as one."
Haruhi blinked. "What's that mea—" She paused. "Wait, during the match, Kamen Rider was talking to himself an awful lot..."
"Shotarou-kun is only half of W," the strange boy said. "I'm the other half."
"Oh! I see!" Haruhi nodded. "So you're the...right half?"
"Something like that," he replied.
"So how come you're not all beat up like your partner?" Haruhi asked.
"It's complicated," the as-yet-unnamed boy said. "Actually, I was unconscious when they brought Shotarou-kun back. I just woke up a minute ago."
"I see." Haruhi nodded. "So, any thoughts on the match just now?"
"That Zedd guy is scary tough," the boy answered. "Basically, we overdid it, trying to use three Maximums in one match, especially after taking some nasty hits. That last attack should've finished him, but I guess he was just too much for us."
"I see," Haruhi repeated, nodding again. "So, basically, he's too much for you to handle?"
"Oh, I'm sure if we have to fight him again, we'll come up with something," he said with a strained smile. "We usually do."
"Well, there you have it then!" Haruhi said brightly. "And now, back to ringside, where the next match is about to get underway!"
* * * * *
The ring had been returned to its locked-gates configuration, signifying an upcoming Division R match.
The announcer once again stood in the center of the ring. "The following match is scheduled for one fall, with a thirty minute time limit. Please welcome our contenders! First, coming to us from the Grand Line! Captain of the Mugiwara Pirates! Give it up for the most wanted pirate in history...MONKEY! D.! LUFFY!"
An unassuming, skinny young man in denim shorts, a red vest, a straw hat, and sandals hopped merrily down the catwalk, waving to the audience and grinning as he entered the ring.
"That guy's a most wanted pirate?" Koiwai asked.
"That's what the dossier says," Jumbo said.
"And his opponent!" the ring announcer continued. "ALSO a wanted pirate captain! From the reclusive, mystical Pangya Island! Here comes...KOOH!"
A very young girl with long black hair tied in twin ponytails bounced down the catwalk, waving at the spectators. She wore heavy grey leather boots, tight black leather pants, and a tight black leather jacket. As she reached the ring gate, she abruptly launched into a set of flips that carried her to the center of the ring, where she came to a stop, pulling an enormous spiked battle mace out of seemingly nowhere.
"Whoa. Little girl, big weapon."
"THAT girl is a pirate captain?!" Jumbo exclaimed.
"I guess they can't ALL look like Johnny Depp," Koiwai quipped.
"Nice t' meetcha!" Luffy said, extending a hand to the young girl.
She took it somewhat disdainfully and shook cordially. "Let's get this over with, I've got a golf game later."
Once the announcer was clear and Threepio had entered the ring, the gates locked, and Kooh sized up Luffy, holding her massive mace loosely. "Are you SURE you're a pirate captain?" she asked skeptically.
Luffy rubbed at his nose with his forearm. "Look who's talkin'," he replied. "You're pretty shrimpy for a pirate."
Kooh's deep red eyes narrowed. "Oh, you're gonna get pounded for that!"
"And it looks like the battle of the pirate captains is underway!" Jumbo shouted as Kooh charged the scrawny pirate.
"HYAAAAA!" Kooh howled as she swung her massive mace straight at Luffy's face. He didn't even dodge; the spiked iron ball smashed into his cheek and took his head clean off his shoulders.
"OH MY GOD! We have our first fatality!" Jumbo roared.
Except that Luffy's head didn't separate from his neck, nor was there any blood. Rather, his head simply kept going with the momentum of Kooh's swing, while his neck stretched out like taffy. Once Kooh's follow-through had finished, Luffy's face slipped sideways off the spiked head; his neck snapped back like a rubber band, and his head wobbled for a second, completely intact and undamaged.
"What the—?!" Kooh cried, staring.
Luffy grinned broadly at her, eyes closed. "I'm a rubber man!"
"A rubber...man...?" Kooh asked.
"A rubber man?" Koiwai echoed, eyebrows raised.
"Here, let me show you," Luffy said, drawing back a fist to throw a punch.
And drawing it back. And further back. And back some more, all the way to the ring gate.
"GOMU GOMU NO...PISTOL!"
The drawn fist snapped sharply forward, slamming into the perplexed little pirate girl and sending her flying. She crashed heavily into the rails, sliding to the canvas.
"OUCH! That hadda hurt," Jumbo winced.
"That poor kid," Koiwai said sadly. "She's way out of her league..."
But Kooh was smiling. It wasn't a nice smile. "Heh...I've been hit harder by bird crap," she said. She wiped at her face and stood up...and pulled a small, round black object from her pants pocket.
"Oh?" Luffy asked, tilting his head curiously. "What're you gonna do with that?"
"Heh-heeeeh," Kooh laughed nastily. Setting aside her mace, she pulled a wooden match out of another pocket, and struck it on her heel. She lit the tiny fuse sticking out of the black ball she held...
"Oh crap, it's a bomb!" Koiwai said.
"Now see here—!" Threepio began.
Kooh dropped the bomb to the canvas and picked up her mace, twirling it. A glowing aura enveloped the weapon as she jumped back, crouching sideways against the locked gate, then hurled herself forward, spinning horizontal to the ground, and SMASHED the lit bomb with her mace. It flew low and fast, and went right into Luffy's mouth.
There was a tremendous explosion, and the rubber pirate expanded outward.
"Now that's what I call heartburn," Jumbo said.
Luffy belched, producing a cloud of thick black smoke.
"Hole in one," Kooh said, smirking.
"Hey, now," Luffy replied. "Don't put strange things in any of my holes!"
There was a pause.
"That. Was. SO. WRONG," Kooh said, looking nauseated.
Luffy sighed, hands in his pockets. "I thought this was gonna be fun, but you're gonna get hurt really bad if this keeps up...you'd better quit now."
"NEVER!" Kooh cried.
The older pirate shook his head. "Didn't think so. Okay then. GOMU GOMU NO..."
Twenty seconds later, Threepio declared Luffy the winner, while the medics hauled Kooh out of the ring on a stretcher.
WINNER
"Aaaand we've gotta take a break. We'll be right back with our second tag match."
* * * * *
"Hey! Luffy! That was amazing!" Haruhi cried as she rushed up to the pirate captain when he appeared backstage. "How'd you do that? Are you a mutant? An alien? A freak lab accident? What?"
Luffy stared at her. "Huh?"
"She's asking about your powers," Kyon supplied helpfully.
"Oh," Luffy said. "I ate a Devil Fruit, the Gomu-Gomu Fruit. It turned me into a rubber man."
"I see. That's interesting. You got your powers from eating fruit." Haruhi nodded. "I should eat more fruit. Maybe bananas...what kind of powers do you think I'd get from eating bananas?"
Kyon coughed.
"Uh...I wouldn't know," Luffy said. "I gotta go check an' make sure I didn't hurt that girl too bad. Later!"
* * * * *
"Welcome back! Let's go straight to the ring for our second tag match of the night."
"The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall, with a thirty minute time limit," the ring announcer said once the ring was reconfigured for a tag match. "Our first challengers, from the town of Palm Brinks and the Kingdom of Raybrandt, please welcome Maximillian and Monica!"
Two teens entered the ring. One was a short boy in an immaculately tailored red vest and brown trousers, with expensive leather shoes, fingerless black suede gloves, a heavy gold medallion around his neck, and a fancy beret perched atop his neatly-parted light brown hair. The other was a slightly taller girl wearing white cowboy boots, tight black shorts, a sleeveless translucent green tunic with a brown leather brassiere that emphasized the impressive size of her chest while just barely preserving her modesty, and matching leather gloves. Her long, pinkish-red hair was tightly braided and held back with an ornate butterfly ornament. An elaborate, impressive-looking armband was fastened to her upper left arm.
"And their opponents...from Tokyo...the MAGIC KNIGHTS!"
At ringside, three very different girls conferred at length; after a significant delay, one, dressed in green, walked to a seat behind the security barrier and sat down. The other two ascended the steps to the catwalk and proceeded to the center of the ring. The taller of the two wore a blue school uniform and had long, elegant light blue hair; everything about her appearance said 'elegance and grace'. The other girl, clad in a red school uniform, looked remarkably like a much shorter, less well-developed version of the other redhead in the ring—so much so that upon facing one another, they blinked and stared, as did their companions.
"Just to explain what was happening at ringside," Koiwai said, "The Ultima tag team rules allow for teams to consist of more than two members; however, barring certain special conditions matches, only two members of a tag team are allowed to enter the ring area at the time of a match. Most of our tag teams are only two members, but the Magic Knights have three, and we have teams with as many as five members."
The two redheads shook hands. "I guess we'll start, huh?" the older one said.
The younger nodded energetically. "Un!"
The shorter girl bowed. "I'm Shidou Hikaru," she introduced herself. "I hope we can have a good match."
"I'm Monica," the older redhead smiled. "Good luck!"
Hikaru raised her left hand and closed her eyes. The large red gem on the back of the white fingerless gauntlet she wore gleamed brilliantly; her school uniform was replaced by a red, white, and gold dress, at the top of which was an elaborate red and gold breastplate with absurdly broad shoulderguards resembling golden wings. Knee-high white boots and matching white gloves joined the new outfit, as did an elaborate red, white, and gold tiara upon her brow. She extended her right hand out to her side, extruding a trail of flame from her left glove; the fire resolved into the shape of a large, ornamented double-edged sword. She settled into an expert fighting stance, watching her opponent calmly.
"Nice sword," Monica said after a moment. Then she reached behind her back; when she brought her hand forward again, she was holding a massive, gleaming golden broadsword.
"You too," Hikaru said, smiling. She shifted her left foot. Monica took a half step back with her right foot. Both girls locked eyes, taking the measure of one another.
"Uooooooh, looks like we've got a sword duel here," Jumbo said. "Two really cute redheads with really big swords...this is the kind of thing you'll only find right here on Ultima, folks!"
The two swordswomen in the ring abruptly charged each other, sparks flying as their blades clashed with a loud, ringing *CLANG*. They pushed off, springing away from each other, and eyed each other warily once again.
"Not bad," Monica said. "Where'd you train?"
"My family's dojo," Hikaru replied. "You?"
"My father taught me," Monica said. "He was the greatest knight in our kingdom."
"My brothers win every regional tournament they enter, and they taught me everything they know."
"They ever teach you this?" Monica asked, suddenly dashing forward and swinging her blade in a furious frenzy of slashes that left glowing trails in their wake. She finished by leaping into the air and aiming a downward stab at her opponent. Hikaru barely managed to parry each slash and rolled to the side, avoiding the final strike. Bouncing to her feet, she rushed in and stabbed at Monica while the older girl was still recovering; Monica barely managed to block, skidding backwards on her heels.
The two girls returned to eyeing one another.
"Unless one of them tags out, this one's gonna go right to the bell," Koiwai said.
"Maybe so, but it'll be one hell of a match," Jumbo opined.
"So, when are you gonna stop holding back?" Monica asked.
"Whenever you're ready for a real fight," Hikaru replied, grinning.
"Fair enough," the princess said. The two redheads charged, and the arena rang out with repeated clashes and clangs, sparks flying, blades carving blurry trails of light in the air.
"WOW!" Jumbo roared. "Look at those girls go! I've never SEEN such amazing skill!"
"They're good," Koiwai agreed.
After almost five minutes, the ringing of blade on blade ceased as the girls sprang apart, taking a moment to catch their breath. "I haven't..." Monica panted. "Had a fight...that tough...since Gaspard..."
"You're...really good," Hikaru gasped. "I...almost don't wanna do this, but..." She raised her left hand above her head. "HONOU NO...YAAAAAAAAA!"
She thrust her hand towards Monica, and several streaks of fire erupted from her fingertips.
"Whoa, what was THAT?" Koiwai asked.
"Oh, so you can play THIS game too?" Monica asked, seemingly unfazed. She extended her own left hand, and a spinning blast of wind shot forth, scattering Hikaru's fire spell.
Hikaru grimaced. "Okay. Let's try... AKAI INAZUMA!"
This time, the smaller redhead tossed out a massive scarlet fireball, white-hot at its core. Monica leapt backwards and fired off a freezing ice bolt, which cancelled out Hikaru's attack.
The two sword-mages stared at one another for a long moment.
"Well...damn," Monica said, shaking her head. "Think we ought to both tag out?"
"Yeah," Hikaru agreed. "There's no way either of us is gonna win, might as well put our partners in and hope for the best." She grinned. "It was fun! Let's be friends."
The crowd awwed at the display of good cheer and sportsmanship as the two redheads left the ring and their partners entered. Umi had already donned the battle dress of the Knight of Water and drawn out her rapier; Max hefted a massive weapon that looked like it might have been a wrench at some point, except he'd apparently felt the need to armor it, double its bulk, and stud the outer rim with spikes. In his left hand, he held what looked for all the world like a toy ray gun.
"Isn't there a saying about bringing a gun to a swordfight?" Jumbo asked.
"That's 'don't bring a knife to a gunfight'," Koiwai corrected.
Umi smirked. "Get ready to lose, little boy. MIZU NO...RYUU!" She extended her hand, and a roaring dragon made entirely of water streamed forth, speeding towards Max...
Who backhanded the water dragon with his tricked-out wrench, sending it flying back at its caster. Umi eeped and dived out of the way, barely avoiding a drenching.
"Oh great," Koiwai said flatly. "One can counter spells, the other can play tennis with them."
"Sorry," Max said sincerely, "but I think I need to end this fast." He took aim with the plastic-looking gun he held...
Umi squawked indignantly as she was sent scrambling around the ring by a barrage of deadly laser blasts. "Wh-wh-wh-wh-WHAT THE HELL?!"
In the chaos of Umi running from the onslaught of futuristic weapons fire, nobody noticed that Max had set aside his heavy weapon, reached into a pouch on his belt, and casually tossed a small, rough-edged, sparkling purple-white stone onto the canvas. Counting carefully in his head, he aimed his blasts at just the right angle to herd his opponent towards the dropped stone...
As soon as Umi stepped on it, it exploded in a dazzling electrical fury. The Water Knight seized up, twitching, hair standing on end. Slowly, dazedly, she blinked once, then toppled to the canvas.
"Gooootta be more careful," Max said cheerfully, twirling his gun and holstering it, then picking up his wrench and hefting it over his shoulder. "You don't wanna wander into a trap."
"What WAS that?!" Jumbo cried, leaning halfway over the table.
Koiwai called up the replay on his iPad. "He threw some kind of rock onto the mat and herded her into it. I guess it was electrified or something."
"That's...just dirty," Jumbo frowned.
The crowd seemed to agree. A lot of the spectators were unhappy with Max's strategy, and were making their opinion known. Max looked around and sighed, shaking his head.
Threepio finished administering the ten count. "The winners, Max and Monica," the droid announced. Max left the ring, and he and Monica walked out of the arena side by side. There was some cheering, but there was also a lot of booing. Behind them, they heard Hikaru frantically checking on her partner, and Umi's pained, confused moans as she stirred to wakefulness.
WINNER
"We'll be back with the final match of the night in a few minutes."
* * * * *
"Haruhi here! And look, here come the winners of the last tag match! Hey, over here!"
Monica and Max blinked at the scantily-clad girl as she rushed up to them, a cameraman tagging laconically behind her. "So," Haruhi asked, facing Monica, "you seem pretty cool and you were fighting clean and fair out there. What're you doing hanging around with this dirty cheating brute?"
"Huh? HEY!" Max cried.
Monica frowned. "That's not very nice," she said. "Max didn't do anything wrong. He used perfectly legitimate tactics. That blue-haired girl underestimated him."
"He was shooting lasers at her and took her down with some kind of lightning landmine," Haruhi pressed. "Since she had a sword and a little magic, that doesn't really seem fair or nice."
Max sighed. "Whatever." He pushed past the bunny girl and headed off to his dressing room. Monica frowned prettily at Haruhi, then followed her partner.
"And there you have it, folks! Max and Monica, or as I like to think of them, Team Clean Fighter And Dirty Fighter! Anyway, that's it for me for the rest of the night. Back to ringside for the final match. But don't worry! I'll be back next week for plenty more fighter interviews." She gave the camera a wink and a V-sign.
* * * * *
The screens around the arena once again showed the featureless interior of the Ultimasphere. "Welcome back, everyone! It's time for our MAIN EVENT! This is another Division S battle, to end this first show with a bang!"
"Let's bring out our combatants," Koiwai said lazily. On the screen, the Green Lantern who had officiated the previous Division S match had once again appeared in the Ultimasphere. The polygons-and-rods interior abruptly changed to a sprawling ruin of an ancient castle town.
"First! From Resembool Village in the State of Amestris!" Jumbo shouted. "They call him the FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST...EDWARD ELLLLLLRIC!"
With a shimmer, a short boy with long braided blond hair and a flowing red overcoat appeared in the Ultimasphere.
"And his opponent! Weighing in at several tons! The original war machine! Hailing from the planet Cybertron...the most diabolical mastermind of evil...the Supreme Leader of the Decepticons...MEEEEEGATROOOOOOOOOOOON!"
A much, much larger shimmer filled the screens. A towering white robot appeared in the Ultimasphere, dwarfing the already diminuitive alchemist. Glowing red eyes peered down at the human who dared oppose the most powerful Decepticon ever brought online, and his silver-white metallic face contorted in a cruel, mocking smirk. "Die," he suggested in a deep, gratingly electronic voice.
"Eat shit," Fullmetal countered, grinning confidently.
"You both know the rules," the Green Lantern said tonelessly. "You may begin."
"I'll finish this in one blow!" Edward and Megatron both said simultaneously. Edward charged forward. Megatron lifted one massive metal foot.
The short boy dropped into a forward roll, clapping his hands together and slapping his palms to the ground. The faux ancient stones beneath him erupted skyward, catapulting him towards the head of the giant robot. As he approached Megatron's neck, he clapped his palms together again and slapped both hands against the Decepticon's armor.
Nothing happened.
"Dammit!" he hissed. "What the hell are you MADE of?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Megatron rumbled with an evil chuckle. "I'm made...of...METAL!" He reached up and flicked the alchemist off his shoulder like a flea.
"Just what did Elric hope to accomplish with that stunt?" Koiwai asked.
Fullmetal should have slammed painfully into a crumbled rampart; instead, with a bright flash of blue light, the stone outcropping his flight angle had steered him towards became a massive stone hand which caught him gently and lowered him to the ground.
Megatron grunted. "Interesting trick, human." He aimed the massive black cannon mounted on his right arm at Elric and fired off a devastating fusion blast.
"Oh SHIT," Edward groaned, hastily erecting a thick stone barrier; even with the stone absorbing most of the force of the blast, he felt its heat and immense power. "Alright," he growled. "If that's how you wanna play it..."
Once again, he clapped his hands together and slapped the ground. The Ultimasphere shook violently and blue light flared, obscuring the cameras.
When the light cleared, much of the ruins had transformed into an enormous stone cannon. With no warning, it fired a massive stone projectile at Megatron, a caricature of Edward himself carved on the front of it. Caught off-guard, the Decepticon was sent flying as the unexpected attack slammed into him; his landing shook the ground and raised a huge cloud of dust.
"INCREDIBLE!" Jumbo roared. "HOW did he DO THAT? Where did that cannon come from? What's going on here?!"
On the screens, the cameras closed in on Edward's grinning face. "Oh, I'm not finished yet," he said mostly to himself. Once again, he clapped his hands and slapped the now much-abused ground. A flare of blue light streaked away from him in the direction Megatron had flown. Seconds later, an explosion so massive that it shorted out the cameras rocked the Ultimasphere.
"HOLY SHIT, WHAT WAS THAT?" Jumbo screamed.
"I'm kinda wondering that myself," Koiwai admitted, eyes wide.
"Ferb! Get visual back!" Phineas cried in the control booth.
"On it," the quiet Brit said.
When the static finally cleared, the screens displayed a rather mangled Megatron, staring incredulously down at his seemingly unfazed, smirking opponent. "What...how did you..." Megatron rumbled.
"Turns out there's an aqueduct under all this," Fullmetal said cheekily. "Hydrogen and oxygen. Just ripe for a really freakin' huge explosion." He paused. "Oh, and I still don't know what you're made of, pal, but..."
An enormous stone statue of Elric himself rose from the rubble, directly in front of Megatron.
"I can still...do...THIS!"
The statue drew back one enormous foot and punted Megatron into the wall of the Ultimasphere hard enough to break the imaging systems, instantly dissipating the artificial landscape. Megatron crumpled to the transparent floor, rattling disconcertingly before slumping to the ground, the lights in his eyes not quite extinguished, but definitely dimmed.
"And the winner," Green Lantern said, a faint note of wonder in his voice at the sheer amount of damage the pint-sized boy had caused. "Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist!"
"You ever doubted?" Ed said cheekily, smirking into the nearest camera pod and flashing a thumbs-up.
The crowd at Ultima Stadium went wild.
WINNER
"Wow," Jumbo breathed. "Just...wow. A spectacular end to our very first show! If you liked what you saw tonight, folks, then be sure to tune in next week for more ULTIMA!"
"We'll have three title belt matches for you next week, with tonight's winners vying for the division championships," Koiwai reminded. "But for now, we're signing off. Be sure to tune in next week, or else we don't get paid."
* * * * *
"Aaaand...we're clear." Phineas hit the red "sign off" button on the console, leaned back in his chair, and stretched with a happy sigh. "I think that went okay, what about you, Ferb?"
"Everything except for the sphere breaking down," his brother said quietly.
"Well, yeah..." Phineas grimaced. "You did warn me that would happen."
"Yes. Yes I did."
"Still, we've got a week to fix it and make it stronger so that doesn't happen again—oh, there you are Perry!"
The boys' pet platypus chittered at them.
"Well, I'm gonna go grab a snack before we head home," Phineas announced. "Coming, Ferb?"
The stepbrothers left the control booth. Once they were gone, Perry stood erect on his hind feet, glanced sharply around, and ducked under the main console, pressing a concealed switch nobody else knew about. A panel slid open, revealing a long chute into the darkness; Perry dived down the chute, landing two minutes later in a hidden basement room that was definitely NOT on the blueprints for Ultima Stadium.
//Good evening, Agent P,// Major Monogram said as the screen in this hidden lair sprang to life. Perry donned his secret agent hat and sat attentively.
//Agent P...as of this moment, you're being reassigned. We'll put another agent on Doofenshmirtz.//
Perry blinked.
//This fighting show, this Ultima...there are some disturbing and dangerous people involved. Since the boys are working in the crew, you're our best choice for an agent to keep tabs on the situation.//
Perry nodded; his eyes showed concern as to how to deal with keeping his cover while working right under the brothers' noses.
//We're making a special exception to the cover rule,// Monogram said. //I don't like it, but we don't have a choice. I've already spoken to Mr. Heisenberg. Your first match is in two weeks.//
Perry stared at his commander, bill agape in shock.
//Good luck, Agent P. Monogram out.//
* * * * *
Haruhi emerged from her dressing room, now dressed in her school uniform instead of her bunny-girl outfit. "This is a pretty fun job!" she declared happily. "Maybe we should start our own fighting show. SOS Smackdown or something..."
"Why don't we just stick to working backstage on THIS one?" Kyon suggested. "Besides, running this kind of show is expensive and a lot of work."
"Hmm..." Haruhi nodded thoughtfully. "You're right. Just talking to the fighters and watching the fights is probably more fun than running the show."
* * * * *
Monica bumped into Hikaru at the vending machines. The two redheads fidgeted awkwardly.
"Hi," Monica offered.
"Hi," Hikaru returned.
"Um..." Monica shifted. "I...hope you're not too mad about what happened out there."
Hikaru sighed. "Of course not. I mean, I don't like losing, but..."
"It's just...it seems like everyone's pissed at Max because they thought what he did was cheating," Monica said.
"That's totally wrong!" Hikaru exclaimed, shaking her head furiously. "That whatever-it-was wasn't an illegal weapon. I mean, there aren't any illegal weapons, right? So it was sneaky, but it was fair."
Monica sighed with relief. "I'm glad you feel that way. Um...what about your partner, though?"
Hikaru glanced down the hall in the direction of the infirmarly. "She's okay. She's really ticked off and embarrassed, but any time Umi-chan's screaming her head off complaining, she's okay." She smiled. "Of course, she's demanding a rematch as soon as Heisenberg-san will give it to us."
Monica smiled back. "Of course."
"I think I'll let Fuu-chan fight instead of me, though," Hikaru added. "I mean, there's no point in the two of us facing off again, right?"
Monica nodded. "I agree." She paused. "So...still friends?"
"Of course!"
* * * * *
"That was an amazing fight, big brother!"
Ed sighed and smiled tiredly as he shrugged out of his red overcoat and began undressing. "Yeah, it wasn't too bad. This thing'll be kinda fun!" He frowned. "But I need to see if I can get access to a lab or a library pretty soon, especially if they keep throwing crap like that robot at me. That fight should've been over in two seconds."
"What happened, anyway?" the hulking suit of armor seated in the corner asked. "What were you trying to do when you jumped on his shoulder?"
"I was trying to break him down, of course," Ed replied. "But I couldn't, because whatever he's made of is something I've never run into before. I couldn't do jack."
"YOU couldn't break something down?" Alphonse asked, incredulous.
"Oh well. I still won," Ed replied indifferently. "It just took a little longer, is all." He grinned cheekily. "Besides, if I'd been able to transmute that thing, it would've been a pretty boring match for the people watching."
"That's true," Al said. After a moment, he tentatively asked, "Big brother? Do you really think...I mean..."
Stripped down to his boxers, Ed sat on the padded bench in front of the dressing table and sighed, staring down at his automail arm and leg. "I dunno, Al," he replied. "I just don't know. But even if this Heisenberg doesn't come through...we're not any worse off than we were before."
* * * * *
Philip sat next to the infirmary bed where Shotarou was still recovering from their harrowing ordeal. "Feeling okay?" he asked.
"I'm sore as hell all over, but I'll be okay in the morning," the private detective replied. "Man, what the hell WAS that guy? He took three Maximums and kept going!"
"I looked him up," Philip replied. "Seems he's an intergalactic warlord who's been around for thousands of years. Frankly, I'm surprised we're even still alive after fighting him."
"Well, he's not gonna get us next time," Shotarou grunted.
"I hope so. But if we're gonna keep going up against guys like that, maybe we should send home for Xtre—"
"NO," Shotarou interrupted firmly. "We are NOT using that. Not for this."
Philip sighed. "Alright, we'll play it your way..."
* * * * *
"Well, I had my doubts, but I must admit, the first show went rather well."
Orthros nodded—Heisenberg had learned to tell when the octopus was nodding or shaking its head, despite its lack of a neck. "Fixing the Ultimasphere is gonna be expensive, though, and we may need to have it reinforced if things like THAT are gonna keep happening."
"I told you they'd probably find a way to break it," Heisenberg pointed out. "I admit I didn't expect it to happen the very first night, though."
"Eh, the boys'll fix it," Orthros said dismissively.
"Yes. Yes they will."
"I've gotta get to work on next week's card. First thing in the morning, get with marketing and work on cashing in on the first title matches. We've got one week to milk it for all it's worth."
"Right," Heisenberg nodded. He took off his glasses, rubbed the bridge of his nose, and yawned. "You know? Even just before the show, I still had reservations about all this, but...I do believe I actually enjoyed it. I'm glad I took this job."
Orthros grinned. "Nothing gets a man's heart going quite like gratuitous violence."
"Except gratuitous sex."
"Eh, we'll get there." Both owner and manager chuckled.
RESULTS RECAP | |
| WIN | LOSE |
| WIN | LOSE |
| WIN | LOSE |
| WIN | LOSE |
| WIN | LOSE |
| WIN | LOSE |
