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Part Two
Part Three
Dingy sunlight filtered through a grimy window, splashing a grey, smoky streak across the face of a short man with dark, scruffy hair, a ragged soul patch, and a generous growth of stubble.
The man stirred, opening bloodshot green eyes. He smacked his lips, grimacing at the taste of morning breath and...something else he wasn't awake enough to identify.
Slowly, he sat up and scratched his belly. He tugged at the rumpled, stained black T-shirt he wore, which had the word 'JERK' printed across the front.
His hand landed upon a warm lump underneath the sheets. He frowned; the lump was too large and too soft to be his beloved mangy grey cat. Wiping the sleep crust from his eyes, he pulled back the sheets, frowning as his bleary gaze fell uncomprehendingly upon the other occupant of the bed.
The weak sunlight wasn't helping much, so he fumbled for the switch to the small lamp on the bedside table. It clicked on, the bare bulb shedding soft yellow light over the bed. He turned his gaze to the bed's other occupant.
A curtain of maroon hair swept down to a woman's bare shoulder. His gaze travelled down from that shoulder to the generous contours of a trim, fit, shapely nude body.
The woman groaned and rolled onto her back. As her face fell into view, the sleepy early-morning fog in the man's mind abruptly cleared. He threw the sheet off, revealing the woman's fully nude body, and his own lack of boxer shorts. "Oh. My. God."
Jumping off the bed, he searched the room until he found his blue jeans, which he hastily pulled on. He scrambled for the door, flinging it open, and stumbled down the steps to the street below. Balling his hands into fists, which he thrust angrily to the heavens, he threw back his head and screamed...
PART ONE
Elise stirred, grimacing as she blinked her eyes open. "Chris?" she mumbled. She felt around; the other half of the bed was empty. "Mmn," she uttered, sitting up blearily. It only took a few seconds for her to realize she was naked. Something about that didn't seem right, but...
Something soft struck her in the face. "Cover up," an angry voice ordered from somewhere in the room. Elise blinked and removed the offending object from her face. It was her own shirt.
"Are you just going to sit there like an idiot? Put it on!"
*I know that growl,* she thought. "DAN!" she shouted. "Agh!" she clutched her forehead. "God, I have a headache..."
"There's medicine...somewhere," Dan grumbled. "Put your shirt on already, I'm still looking for the rest of your clothes."
Elise blinked. "The rest of my—" Slowly, her senses rebooted, and she looked around. "...Dan? Why am I in your apartment? ...in your bed?" With a mix of cold dread and anger, she added, "...naked?"
Dan stormed into view, glaring at her and shaking a fist. "Because YOU MADE ME HAVE SEX WITH YOU LAST NIGHT, you sad excuse for my best friend's wife!"
Elise blinked...then hurriedly put her shirt on and made sure the rest of her body was completely covered by the dingy sheets. "Who made who do what now?"
"Try...VERY HARD...to remember," Dan seethed through gritted teeth.
Elise frowned, struggling to recall the previous night. As though a switch had been thrown, everything came rushing back at once. Her eyes widened. "Oh no."
* * * * *
Elise had only seen what stood before her once or twice in her entire married life.
Chris was angry.
Not the passive-aggressive anger flashes that came and went in a matter of seconds (usually triggered by Dan), but genuine anger. And it was directed at her.
"There. Was. A. HOLE. IN. OUR. HOUSE."
Elise winced. "Well...there isn't now?" she offered plaintively.
Chris clenched his fists. "And just how do you explain that?" he asked. "I turned my back for ten seconds! And don't try to tell me I imagined the hole!" He pulled out his phone and held it out to her; his hand shook violently. On the screen was a photo of a massive hole in the outside wall of the house, wiring sticking out like entrails and pipes spewing water.
Elise frowned and looked away, crossing her arms.
"I mean it's not like we don't have holes in our house all the time," Chris said. "But they're usually Dan's fault. But Dan isn't here. Dan's at home watching TV. So where did this hole come from, and how did it get fixed so fast?"
Elise sighed. "Chris..."
"No, Elise. I'm tired." Chris tossed his phone on the kitchen table and started pacing. "You're always hiding things from me. You always say stuff that it doesn't make sense for you to know, and then when I try to ask about it, you evade. I'm completely open and honest with you, and I thought, you know, maybe since you're my wife, you'd MAYBE be open and honest with me. That's what marriage is. But there's all these things you don't tell me." He crossed his arms. "And then there's this weird double-standard you have when it comes to Dan."
"What does Dan have to do with this?" Elise asked.
"Whenever Dan wants me to go wreak vengeance with him, you get mad at me, even though you know I usually don't want to get involved. You want me to stop being friends with Dan. I've even heard you make plans to kill Dan! But how many times have you screamed at me for going along on one of Dan's schemes, and then all of a sudden you show up out of nowhere and you're not only in on it, but you're enjoying yourself! And don't deny it. I'm not an idiot." He paused, then amended, "I'm not a complete idiot."
Elise looked down, letting her arms fall to her sides.
Chris sighed and covered his face with his palm. "I need some time to myself," he said tiredly. "And you need to go somewhere and think really hard about what our marriage means to you."
Elise blinked. "Are you—are you kicking me out of my own house?"
"Well one of us has to go, and I'm staying where all the food is!"
Elise gave a shocked gasp, trying to form words. She threw her arms up in the air. "Chris, you can't just kick me out of my own house!"
"DO AS I SAY, WOMAN!" Chris thundered, standing suddenly and pointing a trembling finger at the door, face contorted in rage.
Elise stared at him in complete shock. Her ire drained from her like water through a sieve. She sighed heavily. "Alright...I'll see you tomorrow." She turned and trudged to the front door, casting one last heavy look back at her husband.
* * * * *
"Wow. And he just...kicked you out?"
Elise sat on Dan's sofa, face in her hands. "I've never seen him angry like this," she said. "He's really, really pissed off at me."
"I don't blame him," Dan said, patting her on the shoulder. "You do keep things from him. Sometimes I wonder if he's even your husband, or just some kind of...convenient accessory."
Elise looked up at Dan in shock. "I love my husband!" she said. "I do..." She looked down again and sighed. "And he's right. I...I don't trust him enough..." She sniffled. "And...I guess it's not fair of me to yell at him for hanging out with you when I've gotten involved in just about as many of your crazy schemes as he has."
"Yeah, and you're a lot better at it, too," Dan said. "If it weren't for all the screaming and ball-busting, you'd actually be a better revenge buddy than Chris."
"Thanks...I think."
"So...just out of curiosity..." Dan said, drumming his fingers on his knees, "why did you come over here when Chris kicked you out? Don't girls usually go running to their mooo—" Dan paused, thinking about what he was about to say. "Don't girls usually go running to their other girlfriends when they have a fight with a man?"
Elise sighed. "Well...to tell the truth...it was either you or Ninja Dave. I mean, you're pretty much the closest thing to friends I've got." She bowed her head. "God that's depressing."
"There there," Dan said. "Ordinarily I'd be happy to hear Chris threw you out. Heck, ordinarily I'd be offering to help dispose of the body."
"Not helping, Dan..."
"How WOULD you want your body disposed of, anyway? Hypothetically."
"Dan..." Elise growled.
"Just making conversation," Dan said.
"Why are you always like that?" Elise asked. "What did I ever do to you?"
Dan was quiet for a moment. In a soft voice, he said, "I guess...I'm jealous."
"Of me? For 'stealing' Chris?" Elise frowned. "Yeah, I've kinda noticed."
"Of both of you," Dan said. He looked up at Elise. "Yes, I'm jealous of you because you stole my best friend from me. And...I'm jealous of Chris because despite being the least interesting, least attractive loser in the whole world, he somehow managed to find himself a beautiful, sexy, caring woman." He frowned. "And actually made it all the way to the altar. I look at the two of you, then I look at my own track record with women..."
"Yeah, well...you've got a lot of issues to work out," Elise said without any heat or conviction.
"And Chris doesn't?"
"Touche." Elise paused. "Wait. You think I'm sexy?"
"Of course you are!" Dan said. "A man would have to be blind and retarded not to see how sexy you are! You're beautiful and you have an amazing body! You're all legs and hips and...well, you've got better tits than all those stupid floozies who spend millions of dollars on plastic surgery!"
Elise blinked. "Thanks, Dan. Really." She leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek.
"Yeesh," Dan said, shuddering. "Don't get all sappy on me."
"At least someone thinks I'm sexy," Elise muttered. She stared down at her lap. "Chris doesn't seem to notice."
"What do you mean?"
Elise laughed bitterly. "We only have sex three times a year. Valentine's Day, our anniversary, and my birthday." She sighed. "And even then, he's barely interested."
Dan blinked. "Seriously?" Elise nodded her head. "Wow," Dan said. "That's...sad. Also more than I really needed to know about what you two do in your bedroom."
"Dan, you break into our bedroom at night so often you could write a book about what we do in the bedroom."
"Point. Still." Dan frowned. "So he just...never wants to?"
"It's like he's the black hole of libido," Elise said with a sigh. "You have no idea how frustrating that is for me. I mean, I'm a married woman who goes without sex for seven months at a time!"
"Ouch." Dan sighed. "That's a shame. I don't understand Chris' problem. If I had a beautiful, sexy wife like you, I wouldn't be able to go a whole week without."
Elise quirked an eyebrow at Dan. "Really?" She turned to look him in the eyes. "I never would've pictured you as a man who'd be ready or capable of satisfying a woman's needs..."
Dan shrugged. "I have many hidden talents."
"Do tell..."
* * * * *
Elise frowned. "Okay, so why are you mad at me, why did it take me so long to remember what happened last night, and why do I have a headache? Neither of us was drunk!"
Dan scratched his chin. "Yyyeah...you hit your head on the ceiling when you came and knocked yourself out. And I'm mad at you because I JUST HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MY BEST FRIEND'S WIFE!" He threw his arms out to the sides. "If you hadn't started talking about how you and Chris never have sex, and hadn't been sitting there looking all pathetic and sexy, and then got all needy and...touchy..." Dan trailed off. "Wanna do it again before I get revenge on you?"
"God yes," Elise said. "Wait, no!" She paused. "Wait...I came?"
"Did you EVER!" Dan exclaimed. "I thought you had to be possessed by the devil to make noises and fluid secretions like that!"
Elise looked down, frowning. "Every time I've been with Chris, I've had to fake it..."
"You sure as heck weren't faking last night," Dan said.
"Okay okay, enough already!" Elise said.
"Well then...time for the revenge," Dan said, grinning evilly. Then, he paused. "Hmm. Actually, I'm not even sure how to go about getting revenge on you for this."
Elise frowned. "Why...would you even want to get revenge on me for last night?"
Dan groaned, pressing his palm to his forehead. "Look...I've broken almost all of the Ten Commandments. I only meant to break eight of them. Thanks to you, I've broken one of the two I was going to leave alone!"
Elise stared flatly at him. "You don't even go to church, Dan."
"That's not the point!" Dan said. "I have my limits, and...adultery isn't cool." He sighed. "I mean, sure, it'd be nice if I could be completely amoral about it, because last night was awesome, but..." He trailed off.
Elise shook her head. "Look, I didn't mean for any of this to happen. It just...it just happened." She sighed. "I need to get cleaned up and go home. I need to patch things up with Chris."
Dan fidgeted. "Let me...let me take you to breakfast first," he said. "You know there won't be anything left to eat at your house."
Elise smiled. "Sure, Dan."
* * * * *
Elise directed Dan to a small, upscale cafe, far removed from his usual haunts. The quality was far better than what he was used to, even if the prices were a nightmare. "I'm paying," Elise said casually as Dan frowned at the menu.
"This is supposed to be me taking you out," Dan said.
Elise raised an eyebrow. "Can you actually afford this place?"
"No. No I cannot."
"Then I'm paying," Elise said.
They talked as they ate, and the subject turned back to Chris. "I really do keep too much from him," Elise said with a sigh. "It's just...I don't know..."
"Look, Elise," Dan began, "I know you're into...something. And whatever it is you really do, I'm sure it's pretty...secret agent-y. I mean, I've seen you fight ninjas and use weapons that don't really exist! So obviously, someone in your line of work—whatever that is—"
"Special assassin, saboteur, and the development and testing of superweapons," Elise said.
Dan blinked. "Right, so obviously, someone in your line of work has things she can't tell anyone, even her husband."
"It's just...it'd really freak Chris out if he knew my job occasionally involves murder," Elise said as she spread jam on a croissant.
"I doubt it'd really affect him that much," Dan said. "Chris is, well...he's a doormat."
"I've noticed," Elise said sourly.
"I mean sure, sometimes he tries not to be a doormat, and he can get really scary when all that suppressed anger blows, but...most of the time, he's too spineless to really object to anything, or even spend much energy questioning it. Plus, he's easily distracted by food."
"Again, I've noticed." Elise sighed. "But last night was...different. You didn't see him, Dan. He really wants answers..." She paused. "I'm not sure what I want to say to him." Her eyes widened, and she smacked her forehead. "I've got my phone off! I'd better..." She dug her phone out of her purse and turned it on. "Oh? New messages..." She put her phone on speaker and let the messages play.
//Honey? It's...it's me...are you okay? I'm sorry. Come home.//
//Elise? Elise, it's Chris...look...I was wrong...it's okay if you have secrets from me...just...call me.//
//Why aren't you picking up? Come on, I want you to come home...//
//You're not off doing secret stuff when we're supposed to be making up after a fight, are you?//
//Uh, forget that last message...//
Elise turned off the speaker and stared at the phone.
"Wow. That...was pretty pathetic," Dan said.
Elise sighed. "I'd better go," she said. "Thanks for everything, Dan." She put her phone back in her purse, laid a wad of money on the table for the check and the tip, then leaned down and gave Dan a peck on the cheek before leaving.
Dan watched her go. "Huh," he said.
* * * * *
Elise walked through the front door to find Chris slumped on the living room sofa, covered in crumbs and stains and staring blankly. "I'm back," she said quietly.
Chris blinked. "Elise? You came back?"
"It is my house."
Chris lurched to his feet and charged her. "ELISE! YOU CAME BACK!" He swept her up in a hug and twirled her around. "Oh beautiful, I'm so sorry for everything I said, I missed you and I don't care about the hole in the house and also we're out of food."
Elise gently extricated herself from his grasp. "No, you were right to be upset about the hole in the house," she said. "And also about me keeping secrets from you. Also, I figured you'd eat all the food in the house. It's okay. We'll get more." She guided him over to the sofa and sat down, patting his leg. "About the hole..."
"I don't care about the hole, I'm just glad you came back..."
"No, let me explain," Elise said. She took a deep breath. "I was working on a microwave pulse rifle yesterday and I had a little accident."
"Microwave pulse rifle?" Chris asked.
"You know how convenience stores have those signs about the microwave ovens, to warn people with pacemakers?" At Chris' nod, Elise continued, "The microwave pulse rifle is designed to kill people with pacemakers, but is harmless to anyone and everything else. It's a sniper weapon."
"Why people with pacemakers?" Chris asked, frowning.
Elise shrugged. "I guess it's for enemies of the state with bad hearts. Anyway, there were a couple of circuits in the power control that weren't up to spec, so when I put in the power supply, well...something went wrong." She gesticulated wildly with her hands. "The power supply overloaded, the rifle went off, it fired over rated capacity, drained the battery, melted the magnetron, and..."
"Blew a hole in our house?"
"Yep."
Chris frowned. "How did a gun that shoots microwaves blow a hole in our house?"
"You know how I won't let you boil water in the microwave because it superheats?"
Chris grimaced. "Those were some pretty nasty burns," he said, looking down at his hands and shuddering.
"Well, when the overload shot hit the pipes in the walls..." Elise shook her head. "Anyway, the people I work for have people that can fix accidents like that before they draw attention. It's just dumb luck that you walked in and saw it before they fixed it."
Chris frowned. "I see." He stared into her eyes. "So...is that everything you're keeping from me?"
Elise looked away. "I can't give you an honest answer to that question, Chris. I'm sorry."
Chris sighed, slumping forward.
"Hey," Elise said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Let's go grocery shopping, okay? And maybe tonight we can go out and have fun."
"Hmm...okay," Chris said. "So Elise...where'd you go last night anyway?"
Elise rubbed her right arm with her left hand. "I spent the night at Dan's place."
"Seriously?" Chris asked, blinking. "You hate Dan!"
"I don't hate Dan," Elise said. "I just...think he's a toxic friend." She frowned. "But...it was either him or Ninja Dave, so..."
Chris sighed. "We...really need to get better friends..."
* * * * *
By late afternoon, Chris had completely reverted to his usual behavior, and seemed unwilling to ask Elise any more questions about her job. Elise was grateful for this; there was, strangely enough, no actual rule against telling people what she did and who she worked for, but she still felt as though the less Chris knew about her double life, the better it would be for their marriage.
They'd had a long late lunch. Elise had just finished cleaning up the kitchen; she walked out into the living room to find Chris passed out on the couch, drooling slightly. She shook his shoulder gently. "Hey. Hey Chris. Wake up."
Chris didn't respond.
"I wanna go out and do something fun," she said, shaking him harder. "Come on, honey, wake up. Let's go out." She sat next to him and traced a finger along his jaw. "Or we could stay in..." she purred seductively.
Chris snorted in his sleep, farted, and rolled his head in the other direction. He started to snore.
Elise sighed. "Forget it." She headed upstairs, intent on spending some aimless time surfing the web. Halfway upstairs, she paused, frowning. She pulled out her phone. "Hey Dan, it's Elise. Doing anything right now? Can I come over? Hm? Chris? He's taking a nap. Yeah. Okay, cool."
Elise left a note on the coffee table for Chris...then realized he'd be more likely to find it if she stuck it to the fridge.
Halfway to Dan's, she thought of something and made a detour, stopping at a pharmacy. Five minutes later, she was back on the road, a small brown paper bag and a larger plastic bag sitting in the shotgun seat.
* * * * *
Dan and Elise sat on Dan's worn-out couch, munching chips and salsa. "So, how'd everything go when you got home?" Dan asked.
"Chris tried to apologize for getting mad at me," Elise said. "I told him he had a right to be angry, and...I told him part of the truth about what I do."
"Which part?"
"The part that explains the hole in the house."
"Good choice."
"Then we went grocery shopping, because he managed to eat a week's worth of food in one night, and..." Elise sighed. "I had hoped we could go out and do something, or...well, you know...but after lunch he passed out on the sofa and I couldn't wake him up."
Dan frowned. "Do you think he's still upset with you?"
"No, he's completely back to normal. Which is actually worse," Elise said. "Anyway, I...I guess I just...needed some company."
Dan patted her knee. "I understand," he said.
Elise looked down, hands folded in her lap. "Dan, I...I wanted to thank you. For being there for me. For last night...all of last night. And for this morning."
Dan looked at her, then looked down, face slightly pink. "Uhh...sure, Elise."
"I wish Chris had even a tenth of your passion," Elise said.
Dan blinked. "Passion?"
"Well...you're passionate in an angry, psychotic asshole sort of way," Elise said. "Which is better than Chris' whiny, passive-aggressive blandness."
Dan frowned. "Elise...maybe you shouldn't pick away at Chris' many flaws."
Elise snorted. "That's what wives do," she said with a laugh.
"Yeah, but..."
"Look, I'm mad at him right now, okay?" Elise said. "I'm mad at him for a lot of things. Not last night, not anything from today, but just...in general."
"Do you...do you wanna talk about it?" Dan asked.
"You really want to hear it?"
Dan shrugged. "Strangely enough...I really do," he said. "For some reason I can't quite put my finger on, I actually...kinda care."
"Aww, that's sweet," Elise said, drawing Dan into a hug. She sighed. "I already complained about how he never wants to make love, right?"
"Yeah," Dan said.
"Well...there's another angle to that," Elise said. She sighed heavily. "I really want kids. I want to be a mother. But every time I try to talk to Chris about it, well..."
Dan tilted his head. "Actually, now that you mention it, I do seem to remember a time you mentioned babies to Chris and he wandered off to shove food in his face..."
"It's weird," Elise said. "We have like this, Fifties sitcom marriage. We sleep in the same bed, he kisses me and says nice things to me and we have little romantic interludes, but it's all so...so..."
"G-rated?" Dan suggested.
"Exactly! It's like he never wants anything PG-13 to happen between us." Elise sighed. "And you can't exactly make a baby without getting R-rated. Or at least TV-MA."
Dan blinked. "Wait...they can actually show that on television now?"
"If it's rated TV-MA they can show people having sex," Elise said. "Naked butts all over the place and everything."
"Wow. I must be watching all the wrong shows."
Elise laughed. "They can only show a few seconds of it though," she said. "Anyway...don't get me wrong, I do like the attention I get from Chris. I just wish our relationship was more like husband and wife instead of like two teens having a high school romance."
"Actually, I'm pretty sure teenagers have a lot more sex than you two are having," Dan said.
Elise slapped him upside the head. "Thanks for that, jerk." She sighed. "Anyway...I brought something else besides chips and salsa." She leaned over to where she'd left her purse and retrieved the smaller paper bag, which she handed to Dan.
"What could this be?" Dan asked playfully, opening the bag and looking inside. He pulled out a dark blue box with tasteful stripes and the word 'SPARTAN' on the front, next to a picture of a bronze helmet. "What the—condoms?!"
Elise smiled shyly, rubbing circles on Dan's thigh with a finger. "I need you, Dan. I need a friend, I need someone to have fun with...I need a lover. I need someone to be the things Chris sucks at being."
Dan frowned. "Elise, I...I don't know..." He looked at the box. "What happened last night...it shouldn't have happened."
"I know it shouldn't," Elise said. "And if Chris was the kind of man I need him to be, it never would have." She sighed. "I have needs, Dan."
"Tell Chris that, then!"
"I wanted to!" Elise said. "I tried! But I couldn't wake him up! He ate a double lunch and zonked out!"
Dan looked down. "Don't get me wrong, I really, really enjoyed having sex with you. I'd be crazy to turn down a chance to do it again." He looked at the box of condoms. "Twelve times." He looked back up at Elise. "With electrifying lubricant."
Elise slipped her arms around Dan's shoulders. "Just let me use you until I can fix Chris, okay?"
Dan stared at her. "Fix Chris? But...that'll take...forever!" He frowned. "Then again...I must admit...as much as I disdain the concept of adultery...being used by a sexy married woman for a licentious illicit affair has a certain appeal..."
"Just...one thing," Elise said, looking around with a faintly nauseated expression. "From now on, when we...rendezvous...I'd rather do it at a hotel. You know, someplace...clean."
Dan looked around at the piles of filth, the mold seeping along the corners, and the unidentifiable stains on the walls and floor. He sighed. "Yeah. Good call."
"Why don't you ever, you know, clean this place?" Elise asked.
"I've tried," Dan said, throwing his arms up. "For some reason, whenever I leave, I come back to a bigger mess than when I left!"
Elise blinked. "Wow." She gave Dan a peck on the cheek. "I should go home now, but I'll probably call you tomorrow. We can go out, have a good time..." she smiled. "How does that sound?"
"Sounds great," Dan said.
Dan watched Elise leave. Mr. Mumbles hopped up into his lap and mewed inquisitively. Dan sighed and scratched her ears. "I never thought I'd be having an affair with a married woman," he said.
* * * * *
It was dusk when Elise got home. She found Chris in the kitchen making a sandwich. "Hey you," she said sweetly as she walked up behind him, wrapping her arms around him. "Miss me?"
"Hm? I just woke up," Chris said. "How long were you gone, anyway?"
"Oh, not long," Elise said. "Listen, I might have something to do tomorrow night. I'm not sure yet."
"Okay," Chris said.
Elise rubbed circles on Chris' back. "You know what I'm in the mood for?" she asked.
"Turkey bacon club with thousand island dressing?" Chris asked as he slathered dressing on his sandwich.
"No, I...actually that does sound tasty, I think I will have one," Elise said. "But what I'm in the mood for...after that...is me and you, in bed, trying to upgrade our little family."
Chris frowned. "This needs more bacon," he said. "Can you fry about...oh, half a package of bacon?"
Elise sighed. "Sure, Chris." As she fried more bacon, she pulled out her phone and silently made online reservations for two at Hotel Imbroglio.
Elise spent part of the evening and most of the following morning trying to get through to Chris, becoming increasingly frustrated as he evaded any attempt at seduction or discussion of starting a family.
After lunch, she tried one more time. "Chris, why are you so...what's the deal here? I just want to talk about us having children."
Chris sighed. "It just isn't the right time, Elise."
"We've been married for four years!" Elise cried. "I make more than enough money to support a family! I don't see what the problem is!"
"Well...I guess I'm just not ready to be a father, okay?" He patted the couch. "Baseball game in a few minutes. Wanna watch?"
Elise sighed. "I've...got some work stuff to finish up. I've got a...thing to go to tonight. It's gonna run late, so I probably won't be home until morning."
"Aww," Chris pouted. "But tonight's the shows we like watching together!"
"DVR them for me?" Elise asked, leaning down and kissing him on the cheek. She retreated to the garage. Once there, she pulled out her phone. "Dan? Meet me at Hotel Imbroglio at seven. Wear a suit. I know you either have one or can steal one."
As she set up her lab and read over her notes on the new gas she was creating, a bioweapon that would afflict an entire enemy encampment with explosive diarrhea, she thought about Chris, his recalcitrance, and the growing frustration with him that was gnawing away at her. She also thought about Dan; about how despite his being a huge thorn in her side for years, despite all the misery he'd caused her and her husband...he had his moments. There had been times when rampaging with him had been some of the most fun she'd ever had.
And he was, surprisingly, a pretty good lover. Better than her husband, at any rate.
Guilt writhed in her gut. *I shouldn't be cheating on Chris. I shouldn't be cheating on Chris with DAN.* And yet...
Something turned purple and burst into flames on her workbench. She yelped and quickly smothered it with a fire extinguisher. "Okay, maybe today isn't the best day to be working with dangerous chemicals," she muttered. "Maybe I'll just sharpen my ninjato and do a little parkour instead."
* * * * *
Dan looked up at the clean, imposing white stone facade of Hotel Imbroglio. "Impressive," he said. He walked under the dark green awning and into the vast, ritzy lobby. "Now I see why I had to wear a suit," he muttered to himself as he looked around. Everything was mahogany and leather and gold accents and crystal chandeliers and mood lighting and parquet floors. He tugged at the broad lapels of his ash-colored suit, straightened his dark blue necktie, and looked around.
Elise, clad in a tight, shimmery red dress with a scandalous hemline and matching heels, rose from a leather sofa and walked over to him, smiling. "Hello Dan," she purred.
Dan gulped. "Uhh...hey Elise. Wow. You look incredible."
"You don't look so bad yourself," Elise said. She opened her purse and pulled out a slim vinyl case, from which she withdrew a vial and a syringe.
"H-hey, what are you doing with that?" Dan asked nervously.
"Something you'll thank me for," Elise said. Before Dan could protest, Elise had jabbed the needle into his neck and pumped whatever concoction was in the vial into his bloodstream.
"WHAT...was THAT?" Dan demanded, rolling his neck and wincing.
"A little supplement to help with your lactose intolerance," Elise said simply, putting the syringe away again and clasping her purse shut. "By the time our dinner orders arrive, it'll have taken effect."
Dan blinked. "Oh. Well...thanks. Wait, where'd you even get something like that?"
"Please," Elise snorted, rolling her eyes. "I can get hold of whatever pharmaceuticals I need on very short notice." She took his arm. "Let's go to the restaurant."
She led Dan across the lobby to a fine Italian restaurant with a maitre'd in a tuxedo and velvet tablecloths on all the tables. "I've always wanted to eat here," Elise said. "This place has really great ratings, and the hotel is top-notch too."
"And you've never brought Chris here?" Dan asked.
"Chris would rather go to Pizza Barn for Italian food," Elise said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, I thought you might enjoy this place. The atmosphere is fine dining but the food is...well, closer to casual dining. It'll be a change from plain hamburgers and turkey sandwiches for you, anyway."
"I eat other things," Dan protested. He frowned. "Still...I've never really had good Italian food. Mostly because of the whole lactose intolerance thing."
"Hence the injection I gave you," Elise said. "Now you can enjoy the wonders of fine Italian cheeses without the gut-wrenching agony." They approached the maitre'd, and Elise said, "Table for two under the name Keaton."
The maitre'd checked his list, nodded, and pulled two menus. "Right this way," he said.
"Keaton?" Dan whispered.
"My maiden name," Elise replied. "You mean you didn't know that?"
"I did not," Dan replied.
As they sat, Elise picked up the menu, and Dan looked around. "I really hope this place isn't like the last fancy restaurant I went to."
Elise chuckled. "Trust me, this place is on the level. For one thing, it isn't French."
"I never have trusted the French," Dan said as he studied the menu. Their water glasses were filled, and a waiter introduced himself and said he'd be along to take their orders shortly. "I'm not even sure what to order," Dan admitted.
"Well, I know of a few really good things on the menu that are very good for you, but I don't want to shock your system too much, so...I'd just pick something that sounds like it has a lot of meat and go with that."
"Hmm..."
It took just over five minutes for their dinner and wine orders to be taken. Another five minutes later, a basket of seasoned breadsticks was placed on the table. Elise and Dan each took one. Dan bit into his and chewed, raising an eyebrow. "That's good bread," he said.
"Honestly? The parmesan breadsticks from Uncle Joe's are better," Elise said. "But yeah, these are pretty good."
The appetizers came shortly thereafter. Elise had ordered stuffed mushrooms, while Dan had ordered breaded meatballs. As they ate appetizers and breadsticks, Elise commented, "So Dan...you haven't sworn vengeance on anything lately. Other than me, I mean."
Dan shrugged. "It's a slow month." He chuckled suddenly. "Remember Gigundo-Mart?"
"I remember you shrinking me and putting me in a jar," Elise grumbled.
"Sorry about that," Dan said with a smirk. "But you know...we were both after the same thing. There wasn't really any need for us to fight."
Elise considered this. "Yeah, that could've gone better."
Conversation remained light, if odd, until dinner arrived. When their plates were placed and their wine glasses were filled, Dan stared, nonplussed, at his dinner. Next to a large, meat-dripping slab of lasagna, there was a portion of green beans drizzled with olive oil. "Vegetables," Dan muttered.
Elise sighed. "Dan...don't."
"I didn't order vegetables," Dan said.
"They come with the meal," Elise said. "I've got them too."
"Still..."
Elise grabbed Dan's fork from the table, jabbed it into the beans, and shoved it into his mouth. Dan blinked, pulled the fork from his mouth, and chewed the beans slowly. "Okay okay, they're not bad," he said, quickly eating the rest of the beans, washing them down with a swallow of wine before starting in on his lasagna.
Elise smirked. "Maybe we'll get you on a balanced diet yet," she said.
Dan sliced off a portion of his lasagna and began dissecting it, studying the layers. He took a bite of each separate layer, shuddering when he tasted the ricotta on its own.
"Okay, I'll bite...what are you doing?" Elise asked.
"Just a little experiment," Dan said. "This is a pretty tasty dish. I just want to be able to identify each of the flavors on its own. Especially the ones I'm not familiar with." He frowned at the ricotta. "This stuff right here..."
"Very much a complementary cheese," Elise said. "Some cheeses are fine on their own. Ricotta is not one of them. But without it, no lasagna is complete."
"Can't argue with that," Dan said. "So, this miracle shot that lets me eat stuff like this..."
"It's not safe to use often," Elise said. "What I gave you was a super-booster for digestion. It makes it so you can digest anything that goes into your stomach." She gestured with her fork. "You know how in spy movies, spies swallow microfilm or flash drives to get rid of them?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, this stuff is what real spies use to permanently destroy anything they swallow," Elise said. She took a sip of wine. "But as for your usual problems with dairy...there are lactase supplements available at pretty much any pharmacy you can take for that."
"I've seen those. They're pretty expensive."
Elise shrugged. "I'll help you there, so long as you behave yourself. Within reason," she amended.
Dan snorted. "So then if these lactase supplements are so easy to come by, why'd you—"
"Sticking a needle in you was more fun," Elise said with a grin.
Dan rolled his eyes. "Cow," he said, smirking.
After the meal and more than half the bottle of wine between them, they ordered gelato for dessert, then retired to the room Elise had reserved. Elise slipped off her heels and peeled off her dress, turning down the bed and sitting on it in her underwear. "You came prepared, right?"
Dan fished around in his pocket and produced a couple of wrapped condoms. Dropping them on the nightstand, he stripped down to his underwear and joined Elise on the bed, taking her in his arms. He took his time removing Elise's lingerie and caressing her body. She moaned and arched her back. "Take me," she whispered huskily.
Dan snatched up one of the condoms, tearing at the wrapper, twisting it, and even trying to open it with his teeth. The wrapper refused to budge. With a snarl, he threw his head back and screamed...
Elise rolled her eyes and grabbed her purse, fishing out a small pair of scissors. "Here," she said.
Dan blinked. "Oh. That makes sense, I guess." Snipping it open, he pulled out the little latex pass to paradise that lay within.
Elise took it from him with a smile. "I can think of a fun way to put this on," she said...
* * * * *
Sunlight leaked through the cracks between the closed velvet curtains, drawing a golden line across Dan and Elise, curled up on the spacious bed. Elise stirred, moaning, and opened her eyes, looking at Dan. She smirked and tickled his pasty belly. Dan twitched, eyes fluttering open as he squirmed. "Mmmmnn..."
"Rise and shine, Dan," Elise said.
Dan opened his eyes and looked at Elise blearily. "Oh. Hey."
Elise sat up, not bothering to cover herself with the sheet. "Last night was amazing," she said.
"Yes...yes it was," Dan agreed with a grin.
Elise looked at the clock on the bedside table. "Crap! I'd better get cleaned up and get home," she said. "Thanks again. Oh, and..." She fumbled for her purse, then handed Dan a fifty dollar bill. "Pick yourself up some of those lactase supplements on the way home," she said.
"Will do," Dan said. "I gotta admit, being able to eat dairy isn't so bad."
Dan spent some time flipping through the channels on the television while Elise showered. She emerged a half hour later, dressed in her usual everyday clothes. She packed her dress and pumps away in her bag. "Shower's all yours," she said. "I'll talk to you later!"
As Dan showered, he reflected on the night before, a smile on his face. "I never thought I'd enjoy spending time with Elise so much, but..." He sighed. "This can't last for long. If Chris finds out...poor guy."
* * * * *
"Hey, beautiful!" Chris called as Elise walked in the front door.
Elise leaned down and kissed Chris, who was sitting at the kitchen table, reading the paper and snacking on Pop Tarts. An entire box of Pop Tarts. He wasn't even toasting them. She snatched a foil-wrapped pack out of the box and headed for the toaster. "Hey you," she said. "Did I miss anything good?"
"Eh, not really," Chris said. "So, what exactly did you have going on last night?"
"Work stuff," Elise said. "Better if you don't know."
Chris frowned. "Elise..."
"I just had a little rendezvous to make," Elise said. Her pastries popped up, and she put them on a plate, poured herself some juice, and sat down. "So, what's new this morning?"
"The usual," Chris said.
"The usual, huh?" Elise said, taking a bite of hot frosted strawberry Pop Tart.
* * * * *
Elise and Dan sat in a room in a different hotel, eating popcorn and watching the kind of gory movie Chris couldn't stand. As they watched, they chatted about various things.
"And you know what else?" Dan said. "I can't trust any man named Dickinson."
"And why's that?" Elise asked, tossing another handful of popcorn in her mouth.
"Think about it!" Dan said, throwing his hands up. "It's right there in the name!" He held his hands out in front of him, pantomiming holding each syllable of the name. "Dick, in, son!"
Elise erupted in laughter. "Oh. My God. Dan. That is SO wrong."
"I know, right?" Dan said. "I just can't deal with anyone whose name is so...so..."
Elise shook her head. "That is the silliest thing I have ever heard," she said. "Dickinson," she muttered, chortling.
* * * * *
Chris sighed as he flipped through channel after channel. Nothing was really catching his eye.
Every night for a week, Elise had had "some work thing" that kept her out all night.
Every morning, when she came home, she was all smiles.
Every afternoon, she'd suggest spending time alone in bed together.
Then the smiles disappeared. Then Elise disappeared.
It was the middle of the afternoon, and Elise was already gone. Chris eyed his phone. "Should I call Dan again...?"
Dan hadn't been answering his phone lately.
Dan hadn't called him to go on a vengeance run in a while.
Chris turned off the TV and went into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and started pulling out various things.
He looked over the piles of food he'd extracted from the fridge. He stood for a long moment, a studious frown on his face.
He put everything back in the fridge and walked back into the living room. Running a hand through his hair, he picked up his phone, his wallet, and his keys, pocketed them, and left the house.
He didn't get in his car. He just started walking.
He'd been walking for a couple of hours by the time it got dark, and the streetlights—as well as the brighter lights from the greater metropolitan area—glowed off the haze of pollution that clung to the city like the skin on a bowl of pudding. He looked around to get his bearings; he was in a relatively nice part of town, the part that had lots of hotels and upscale restaurants.
Across the street stood the Hiasobi Suites, a hotel with a mainly Japanese staff and, reportedly, one of the finest sushi bars in the area.
A cab pulled up to the hotel, disgorging two passengers—a woman in a black cocktail dress, and a much shorter man in a charcoal suit. They were laughing and chatting lightly as they walked into the hotel, the woman's lush maroon hair shining in the lights of the hotel entrance.
Chris watched them, disbelief on his face. His brain locked up as he struggled to process what he'd just seen.
He turned and began trudging back in the direction of home, his shoulders slouched. Three muggers attacked him on the way home, but he just punched them out without even noticing them. It was past eleven by the time he made it home.
He closed the door, climbed up the stairs, and toppled forward onto the cold, empty bed.
Dan took a bite of his steak and egg ranchero breakfast taco. "So, are you making any progress with Chris?"
Elise sighed. "I just don't get it," she said, scrubbing her hands through her hair. "He won't even talk about it. He gets so...so childish about it!"
"I typically find Chris to be childish about many things," Dan said, taking a long sip of his cola.
Elise frowned. "Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Badmouth Chris like that. He's the only friend you've ever had."
Dan shrugged. "When you've known someone as long as Chris and I have known each other..."
"That, or you're just a horrible little troll of a man," Elise said with a smirk.
Dan looked away.
Elise frowned. "I'm sorry," she said. She glanced at her phone. "Damn...I'd better get going." She stood up, then stopped. "I'd better grab a to-go back of breakfast tacos for Chris. Like...a dozen." She leaned down and kissed Dan lightly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I'll call you later."
"Yeah," Dan said. "See you." He watched Elise walk up to the counter and place an order. He saw the cashier blink in confusion, then shrug and punch it in. His eyes roamed over Elise's long maroon hair, her shapely hips, her perfect butt...
He sighed, poured more hot sauce on his breakfast taco, and finished his breakfast. Fifteen minutes later, he was in a taxi on his way home.
* * * * *
"Heeey you," Elise cooed. "Wakey-wakey."
Chris stirred, brain in a haze. The smell of food brought him around quickly, and he sat up. "Hmm...? Elise?"
Elise stood over the bed, a take-out bag in one hand. She frowned at him. "Chris, honey...did you sleep in your clothes? And...you don't look so good..."
Chris frowned, looking down at himself. "Huh. I don't...really remember much of last night," he said.
Elise blinked. "You didn't...get drunk, did you?"
"Huh? No! You know I don't drink," Chris said. "I just..." He frowned. "I went for a walk, and..." His brow furrowed. "I went for a walk..." He shook his head. "I came home. I guess I must've been too tired to change into my pajamas."
Elise eyed him skeptically. "Well...okay," she said doubtfully. She handed him the bag. "Here. Breakfast tacos."
"Oooh...! Thanks, beautiful!" Chris opened the bag and pulled out a taco, unwrapping it and shoving half of it into his mouth. "Wfff wnf?"
"I already ate," Elise said. She stretched, then picked up the TV remote and turned on their bedroom television, changing over to the news channel. "After you finish breakfast, go ahead and get yourself cleaned up and changed," she said. She looked him over, pausing as she studied his thick, heavy knuckles. "Is that...blood?"
Chris paused in stuffing his face. He looked down at his hands. He blinked. "Huh. How'd that happen?"
Elise frowned. "Chris, what happened last night?"
"I told you, I don't remember," Chris said. He looked up at her from his taco. "What about you? What did you do last night?"
Elise grimaced.
"Uh-huh," Chris muttered.
Elise sighed and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Chris, honey...I know this week has been a little...strained..."
"Yeah? Maybe if you tried to be a little more honest with me and, y'know, stopped pressuring me about wanting to start a family when I'm not ready..."
Elise looked down. "Okay. We'll table the thing about a baby for now." She wrapped her arms around Chris' shoulders and laid her head against his. "Instead, why don't we talk about just...you know...making love? Not even trying for a baby. Just...being together. Like married couples do."
"Elise..." Chris said tiredly.
"Chris, why don't you ever wanna...you know...?"
"Can we talk about this later?" Chris asked.
"Actually, I think I'd rather talk about it now," Elise replied firmly.
"Elise, sex is for making babies. I don't want to make a baby right now. It's as simple as that."
Elise groaned. "Chris...couples make love just to enjoy being together..."
"They forgot the hot sauce," Chris said. He got off the bed and headed downstairs with the bag of tacos.
As soon as the door slammed shut behind him, Elise let out a frustrated scream.
* * * * *
Dan frowned at the cruddy, brackish bucket of mop water. He then glared at the thick layer of filth and mold still crusting the edges of the room, and the now-almost-unusable mop in his hands. "Oh, COME ON!" he yelled. "This is the fifth time I've gone over this room! Today!"
All around the room, garbage had been bagged up. An open garbage bag lay in front of the couch. Miscellaneous crap had been boxed up in cardboard boxes. Two layers of the filth and crud that perpetually coated the apartment had been scrubbed away, but the apartment was far from clean.
A knock sounded at the door. A Chris knock. Dan sighed and walked to the door, unlocking it and throwing it open. "Hey Chris," he said.
Chris slouched in, shoulders sagging. "Hey Dan," he replied. He looked around, frowning. "Wait...are you...are you cleaning?"
"Trying to," Dan grumbled. "It's like fighting a war..." He paused. "Hey, uhh...you okay? You look...kinda down."
Chris sagged onto the sofa. "It's Elise," he said. "She's...we're..." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I dunno. It's just been a rough week."
Dan winced. "Uhh..."
"It's just, lately she's all 'Chris, let's make love!' and 'Chris, I wanna have a baby!' and it's...it's like it's all she can think about!" Chris threw his hands up in the air. "What's gotten into her?"
Dan frowned. "Well...I'm no expert on women...but it sounds to me like she wants to make love and have a baby."
Chris raised an eyebrow. "What, you're not gonna go off on a rant about wanting to kill my wife, or drive her out into the desert and leave her, or call her a whore or anything like that?"
"I'm trying to be nice for a change," Dan said.
Chris frowned. "That's...not like you," he said slowly. He looked around the room, at the bags of garbage, the cardboard boxes full of stuff, the high shine on the layers of filth, and the mop that was slowly dissolving in Dan's hands. "None of this is like you. You're...not Dan, are you?" he asked. "You're that other Dan. The impostor."
"Do you want advice, or do you want me to hit you and pour this filthy bucket of water down your throat, Monkey Face?" Dan demanded.
Chris sighed. "Okay okay, you're the real Dan," he said. "But...why are you being..." He gestured with his hands. "Why are you being..." He frowned. "A good friend? Instead of the usual psychotic..." He trailed off.
Dan dropped the remaining fragment of the mop, which finished disintegrating before it hit the floor, and sat down next to Chris. "Am I not allowed to better myself? To change my wicked ways?"
Chris gave him a level, disbelieving stare.
"What? I'm entitled to a good week every now and then. Besides, living in this filth pit can't possibly be good for me!"
Chris tilted his head. "Well...yeah, if I lived in a mess like this, I'd probably be a miserable little jerk too."
"Thanks," Dan said, slapping Chris upside the head.
Chris looked around and sighed. "I guess I might as well help you clean," he said. He got up and looked around. "Umm...where should I start?"
"Pour another can of gasoline on that mold and let it sit for a minute, then help me haul some of this garbage out of here."
"GASOLINE?" Chris yelled. "Are you CRAZY?"
"No, I'm trying to get rid of five inches of mold," Dan said. "And I can't stand the stench of bleach, so that leaves gasoline. We're not going to burn it," he added.
Chris sighed. "Fine," he said, grabbing a five gallon can of gas and pouring it on the deep crust of black mold that lined the walls.
As Dan threw the latest bucket of nasty mop water out the window, he asked, "So, Elise is bugging you to start a family, huh?"
"Yeah, and she won't leave me alone about it," Chris said. "Even when I finally got her to stop with the having a baby stuff, she's still after me about wanting to...you know..."
Dan tossed the empty bucket into the bathroom, then grabbed a towel and wiped his hands. "And what's so wrong with that?" he asked.
Chris frowned. "I just...don't really want to."
Dan stared at him. "Are you kidding me?"
"What?" Chris asked petulantly.
Dan ran his hands through his hair. "Chris...a married man not wanting to make love to his wife...that's not normal."
"Hey, it's plenty normal! Haven't you ever watched old sitcoms?"
"OLD sitcoms, yes! From back when they had to pretend sex didn't exist and babies were delivered by STORKS!" Dan started to pace and rant. "REAL married couples do it whether they want a baby or not! Hell, real not married couples do it! It's as natural as breathing or setting an orphanage on fire!"
Chris paused, holding the empty gas can upside down. "Wait. You're...you're taking Elise's side on this? Seriously?"
Dan froze with his hands in the air. "Well..." He fumbled for a second. "Uhh..." He coughed. "I mean...you know I think Elise is the biggest mistake you ever made, but...uhh..." He made vague gestures with his hands, turning to face Chris without quite looking at him. "I'm just saying that despite her very many flaws and what an obnoxious...woman she is..." He shrugged and started pacing again. "She's...well...she's your wife, and...and as far as ball-busting harpies go, she's...well...probably a much more attractive woman than is really likely to have married you, and...maybe she just really, really wants, y'know...more out of you besides your immortal soul? Because she's a succubus and stuff."
Chris stared at Dan, blinking in confusion and bewilderment. "Okay...Dan? You're scaring me."
Dan started to sweat. "Umm...well..." He fished around for something, anything to say to change the subject. "Hey! I could use a snack break. Soft pretzels sound good to you?"
Chris blinked. "Yeah, actually. You've got soft pretzels?"
"Do I!" Dan walked over to the fridge, opened the freezer, and took out a box. "It'll just take a minute to microwave these." He spread paper towels on a more or less clean plate and placed several medium-sized soft pretzels on it, then shoved it in the microwave.
Chris took the box and looked at it. "Hey, Dan, these are the cheese-filled kind!"
"Yeah, they are! They're so much better than the plain ones," Dan said without thinking.
"Dan...you're lactose-intolerant."
"Oh. Yeah." Dan paused, tugging at his shirt collar. "Turns out they make medicine for that. I've...actually discovered a fondness for cheese and other dairy products lately."
"You're...eating cheese. And dairy. And taking medicine so you can eat cheese." Chris' brow furrowed. "You know...this...this is a lot to take in all at once. You're cleaning your apartment, you're taking Elise's side on the whole sex thing, you're being nice, you're eating cheese...you haven't dragged me off on some crazy revenge quest in forever..." Chris shook his head. "I'm sorry, I just...I'm not even sure I know who you are anymore." He headed for the door. "I'm...gonna go now."
"But...but cheese-filled pretzels!"
"I'm not hungry," Chris said as he walked out into the glare of the sun, closing the door behind him.
The microwave dinged. Dan pulled the plate out and stuffed a pretzel in his mouth. "Huh. Chris turning down food..." He picked up his phone and hit the speed-dial for Elise. "Hey," he said. "Chris was just here. He didn't look so good. He's not really acting like himself. Oh, and he was complaining about you trying to get him in the sack."
* * * * *
"Oh God, seriously?" Elise asked quietly as she prowled through the ductwork of a chemical factory. "You didn't...you didn't say anything to him that..."
* * * * *
"I...may not have put up the best front of still hating you," Dan admitted, sucking the cheese filling out of a pretzel. "It's funny...I'm usually an awesome liar, but Chris...just kinda caught me off my game today. I tried to distract him with soft pretzels, but that opened up the whole 'Dan eats cheese now, what the fuck?' thing, and he walked in on me cleaning my apartment, and...well...he left here really confused."
* * * * *
"Yikes." Elise reached into her hip pouch and pulled out a brown sphere the size of a golf ball, which she dropped into a boiling vat of chemicals below her. She pulled out a magnetic line and used it to make a quick horizontal escape as the fumes from the chemicals changed color. She was up and out of the ventilation system, crouched on the roof, a whole three seconds before the chemicals exploded, shaking the entire factory. "He didn't look so good this morning, either," she said. "He slept in his clothes last night, his hands were all bloody...he can't remember what happened last night or where he went. I'm getting a little worried about him." She frowned. "Wait...you're cleaning your apartment?"
* * * * *
"Yeah...I'm getting a little sick of living in a filth pit," Dan said. "Must be all those awesome hotel rooms we've been in and out of this week. By the way, you don't happen to know anything better than gasoline for getting rid of black mold, do you?"
* * * * *
Elise ran to the edge of the roof and leapt to the roof of the warehouse next door even as people streamed out of the burning chemical factory. "Gasoline? Why aren't you using bleach?"
* * * * *
"Can't stand the smell," Dan said. He looked around at the bags of garbage and sighed. "How did that fake Dan ever manage to clean this place up?"
* * * * *
"It's a mystery," Elise said as she ziplined down into an alleyway and rolled behind a dumpster. "I can probably whip up something to get rid of your mold problem when I get home. I'll let you know."
* * * * *
"Great," Dan said. "Well, I've got about five hundred pounds of garbage to haul out, so I'd better get on that. Love you, Elise." With that, he disconnected, then grabbed the nearest garbage bag, walked out onto the balcony, and dropped it over the side. Dusting his hands off, he went back in for a couple more bags. "This isn't so bad..."
* * * * *
Elise stared at her phone in shock. Beneath her scarf, her cheeks turned pink. Shaking her head, she slid aside the secret panel behind the dumpster that led to a network of safe tunnels. Five minutes later, she was in a small, well-lit office in a disused building her agency owned. She retrieved a bag from under a desk with a thin layer of dust on it; five minutes later, she walked out the front door of the empty office building, dressed in regular street clothes, and strolled home, lost in thought.
*Did Dan really just say...?*
Dan Vs. is the intellectual property of Dan Mandel, Chris Pearson, and Film Roman. This intellectual property is used without permission with no intent to profit from said use. The unique content contained on this page is the property of Mythril Moth, and redistribution of this content without express permission is strongly discouraged.
