Applejack Calls Customer Service (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
A Simple Question (Detective Conan)
BBBFFFHWIMC (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
Bump, Bump, Sugarlump, Dump! (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
Clop, Clop, Clop (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
If Tomorrow Never Comes (Love Hina/Cowboy Bebop)
In The Infinite Moment (Chrono Trigger)
Judgement Call (Detective Conan)
Killing You With A Lie (Detective Conan)
The Last Pie of Summer (Phineas and Ferb)
Memories Don't Burn (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
Mistery Meat (My Little Pony: Equestria Girls)
Pinkie VS Siri (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
Ponyville Emergency Dispatch (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
Rainbow Dash Eats an Alien (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
Ran's Nightmare (Detective Conan)
Rarity Has Puu On Her Face (My Little Pony: Equestria Girls/Magic Knight Rayearth)
saito.bat (Rockman.EXE)
Shinigami (Detective Conan/Bleach)
Shower Him With Attention (Miraculous Ladybug)
Time To Save (Detective Conan)
Volleyball Training (Azumanga Daioh)
Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes (Harry Potter
White Bird (Naruto)
Goddess Debugging (Aa! Megami-sama!) (Mature Content Warning!)
 | Title: | Applejack Calls Customer Service |
| Series: | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic | |
| Genre: | Silly | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 25, 2013 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
 COMPLETE | When the farm's Canternet access goes down, Applejack is forced to call customer service. | |
Apple Bloom raced downstairs an hour after lunch one gloomy weekend afternoon. "Applejack!" she cried. "Ah can't get on th' Canternet!"
Applejack groaned. Ever since Twilight had insisted all her friends get computers and sign up for Canternet access, there had been one problem after another with the Apple family's computer. With a sigh, she pulled out the Handy Guide To Fixing Your Canternet that had come with the computer. "Let's see now...is ever'thing plugged in?"
Apple Bloom nodded. "And turned on, and all the lights are on on the modem and the router. It just won't connect!"
Applejack sighed. "Fine, Ah'll call..." She swallowed a thick, heavy lump in her throat. "...Customer Service."
Finding a telephone number in extremely small print in the back of the help guide, Applejack walked over to the phone, picked it up, and began dialing. As she did so, Apple Bloom ran into the room with the latest account statement from Canternet, knowing that Applejack would need it during the call.
//Thank you for loving our service here at Canternet,// an obnoxiously cheerful automated voice answered after two rings. //To tell us how much you love our service, please say 'One' now. To sign up for our service so that you can love it as much as our users, please say 'Two' now. If you are experiencing difficulty in loving our service, please say 'Three' now. If you do not love our service, please hang up at this time. For additional options, please say 'Derp' now.//
Applejack rolled her eyes. "Three," she said.
//Thank you for saying 'Three'. Please describe the difficulty you are experiencing loving our service, and please speak as clearly as possible. For example, if you find you are unable to connect to our service, please say, 'Can't Connect'. If you have misplaced or forgotten your password, please say, 'Password Help'. If—//
"Can't connect."
//Thank you for saying 'Can't Connect'. One moment please.// After a five second pause, the voice returned. //Please choose from one of our following options. You may say, 'No connection', or, 'Modem not working', or, 'I forgot to pay my bill', or—//
"No connection."
//One moment, please.// A brief pause. //Our diagnostics indicate that our service is functioning properly. If you require assistance connecting to Canternet from your computer, please say, 'I am stupid and do not know how to use my computer' now. Otherwise, please choose from one of our following options...//
Without even letting the automated voice finished, Applejack pressed zero twice on the phone.
//Fine, don't let me finish. See if I care. You are now being connected to someone who can actually listen to your problem and further assist you. Please be advised that your call may be monitored for quality assurance. Anything you say can and will be used against you in small claims court. Please hold for our next available representative.//
The obnoxious computer voice was replaced by an elevator music cover of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida". A full seventeen minutes (almost long enough for the entire song to play from start to finish) later, the hold music was replaced with a brief burst of static, followed by a thickly-accented voice. //Good afternoon, and thank you for smurfing our Customer Smurfice Department. My name is Unhelpful Smurf, how may I smurf you today?//
Applejack blinked. "Uh...yeah. My name's Applejack, Ah'm callin' because mah Canternet's down..."
//I see...I am very sorry to smurf that, ma'am. Now, if you would please smurf to make sure your computer is smurfed in, then make sure your smurf and smurfer are smurfing properly, that means first the smurf light will smurf, then the smurf light will smurf twice, then—//
"We already checked all that, just like y'all's book says," Applejack said.
//Yes, but we must smurf procedure, so if you would please do as I smurf—//
"Ah'm tellin' ya, Ah already done all that!" Applejack snapped.
//Yes, I am understanding this, ma'am, but we have to smurf procedure—//
Applejack let out a frustrated groan. "Fine," she spat. "Ah'm goin' an' checkin' all that now." Applejack went through ten minutes of checking things she could see at a glance were working properly, all while the annoying and unhelpful turd on the other end of the line enumerated every tiny detail of the process in his gratingly thick, incomprehensible accent. Once they had determined that there was, in fact, nothing wrong with Applejack's computer, Unhelpful Smurf said, //If you would please to be smurfing me your smurf number, your smurfword, and a smurf number you can be smurfed at, I'll just smurf up your account...//
*Yeah, Ah'll just bet you'll smurf up my account.* Applejack rattled off all the information from her account statement. //Smurf you very much,// Unhelpful Smurf said. There was a sound of keys clicking. //Ooooh, yes yes, I smurf the problem now. I am sorry, ma'am, our technicians are smurfing the Ponyville access smurfer at the moment. Your Canternet access will resmurf sometime in the next smurf to smurf hours.//
Applejack growled. "Y'all coulda just told me that in th' first place! Do y'all know how much time Ah wasted goin' over all this crud on mah end that Ah knew weren't the problem?"
//I am sorry very much, ma'am, but we must smurf procedure. If you would please wait smurf to smurf hours, your service should resmurf. If it does not, please smurf back again later. Now, was there anything else I can smurf you with today?//
"No, no...Ah think you've smurfed me enough," Applejack replied. "Maybe y'all should just go an' smurf yourself for a little while." With that, she slammed the phone down angrily and stomped upstairs. "Canternet's down for service, sugarcube," she said.
"Oh, okay," Apple Bloom said. "Jeez, what took so long just to tell you that?"
Applejack shrugged. "Ah dunno, li'l sis. Ah reckon them people they got answerin' th' phones jes' don't speak Equish."
 | Title: | A Simple Question |
| Series: | Detective Conan | |
| Genre: | Silly | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 12, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Ayumi asks Conan a simple, innocent question... | |
"Ne, Conan-kun..."
"Hm? What is it, Ayumi-chan?"
"What's a penis?"
Edogawa Conan sprayed a mouthful of soda across the room, and turned to stare, wide-eyed, at the cheerful brown-haired girl idly coloring in an activity book next to him. "Wh-WHAT?"
"I heard some bigger kids makin' jokes in the park, an' a lot of 'em had that word, but I don't know what it means..." Wide, innocent eyes turned to face the bespectacled boy. "So what is it?"
*Oi oi...why the hell am I being asked this by a seven-year-old girl?* Rubbing the back of his head sheepishly, Conan hedged, "Anou...it's, um..." He paused. "Why would I know?"
"You DO know," Ayumi accused. "I can tell."
Conan felt nervous sweat beading on his neck. *Oh, crap.* "Aheh...yeah, I know, but..."
"So tell me what it is!"
The boy sighed. "It's something boys have and girls don't."
Ayumi blinked, then her eyes widened in dawning comprehension. "Ooohh! You mean a thingie!"
Conan resisted the urge to plant his face in his magazine. "Um...yeah."
Ayumi was quiet for a long moment, and Conan prayed she had already decided to drop the subject. Then, timidly:
"Um...what's it for?"
Conan was thankful he at least didn't have a spittake this time. "Ayumi-chan," he whined, "That's really not something a seven-year-old girl needs to know about!"
Ayumi tilted her head. "Why not?"
"Because it just isn't!"
"But you're the same age as me, and you know what it's for, right?"
*Give me a break here...* "Yeah, cuz I'm a boy! Boys hafta know, because we have it! It's a boy thing, and that's all there is to it, okay?"
Ayumi didn't seem satisfied with this, and settled into a sullen pout. Conan hated to see the girl pouting, because it made him feel like a jerk, but...after all, the very last thing he wanted to do was give a first-grader an impromptu sex-ed lesson.
An awkward silence settled over them for some time. Then, just as suddenly as it had all began:
"I wanna see it."
This time, Conan's reaction was not unlike watching someone nearly expectorating an entire lung. "WHAT?!"
"Show me, I wanna see it," Ayumi insisted, pouting cutely.
"NO!" Conan shouted, waving his magazine at her as though warding her away. "That...it's just...I mean...that's just a really big no-no, Ayumi-chan."
"Why?"
"It just is!"
"But I wanna see it!"
"I said NO!"
"Conan-kuuuuuuuun..."
A half hour later, Ran came home from the market to find Ayumi chasing a panicked Conan all over the apartment. As soon as he saw her, Conan jumped behind Ran and clung to her legs. "Ran-neechan, do something! Stop her!" he cried.
Ran raised an eyebrow. "Conan-kun, what'd you do to Ayumi-chan?"
"ME?! I didn't do anything! This is all her!"
"I wanna see Conan-kun's thingie, but he won't show it to me!" Ayumi protested plaintively.
"His...thingie?" Ran asked, confused, tilting her head.
"You know...thingie," Conan replied from behind her. "Like birds and bees thingie?"
Ran's eyes widened, and her face flushed. "Oh my..."
"Let me see!" Ayumi wailed, lunging for Conan. He darted back from behind Ran and dove across the room.
"I told you, NO! Ran-neechan, do something!"
Ran tilted her head...and an evil gleam in her eye told Conan this was about to turn into the single most humiliating day of his entire life...
 | Title: | BBBFFFHWIMC: The Hit Bridleway Musical |
| Series: | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic | |
| Genre: | Silly, Ecchi | |
| Content Rating: | 18+ (Mature content!) | |
| Updated: | January 8, 2015 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Shining Armor has a little problem. Cadance is in heat. | |
Good morning Twilight Sparkle, favorite little sister mine!
It's always nice to see you and it seems you're doing fine!
Good morning Shining Armor, my BBBFF!
I didn't know that you were coming, but we have some breakfast left!
Thanks I'll have some, man I'm starving, I left home without a bite!
Things are weird at home now, Cadance kept me up all night!
Is something wrong with Cadance? Is the Crystal Empire fine?
You know I'll always help you with your problems, brother mine!
I appreciate that, Twiley, but there's nothing you can do.
Cadie's just a little worked up, she's in heat and wants to...
Umm...
Screw?
Yes, screw. Thank you. My wife just wants to screw.
That's a little too much info, didn't really need to know,
But it's not so strange when mares in heat are hankering to go.
Yeah I know that, Twiley, come on, I'm a grown and married guy!
But it's different this time, Twiley, Cadance wants to make a try...
Make a try? What do you mean? Wait...you're saying...
No, it can't be! Come on, Shiny! Tell me you're just playing!
Would I kid about this, Twiley? Would I joke about her goal?
Would I be here if I wasn't trying NOT to make a foal?
You mean you didn't come to see me? You're just hiding from your wife?
Thanks, that really makes me feel like I'm important in your life!
That isn't what I meant, I'm sorry Twiley, I'm in stress!
I'm tired and I'm freaking out, this whole thing's such a mess!
But what's wrong with having children? I don't get why you're upset!
To be honest I'm surprised that something hasn't happened yet!
But I don't want to be a dad, I'm much too young to raise a foal!
I'm barely managing a kingdom and did not expect that role!
Cadance didn't either yet she wants to have a child.
I think you just don't want to end your days of running wild.
Running wild, you say? I never! I'm not like that, little sis!
I've always been responsible, upstanding, never put a hoof amiss!
I'm just teasing, Shining Armor, but I really think you should
Stop and think about this calmly. Talk to Mom, you know she would—
OH SHINING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARMOR!
Oh horseapples, she found me! Hide me, Twiley! Help me out!
I can't handle this right now, when I'm so full of fear and doubt!
Stop being such a baby, pony up and face your wife!
If you even think of hiding I might geld you with this knife.
You wouldn't dare! You're bluffing! Come on Twiley, knock it off!
No, not that, I mean the knife thing, put it down, okay? I'll—
OH SHINING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARMOR!
There you are, you silly boy! What are you doing this far south?
I need you back at home to stick your big cock in my mouth!
Cadie, don't say things like that in front of Twiley! Geez!
She's a pure young filly! Don't subject her to your lustful sleaze!
I am NOT a little filly, I'm a grown mare, you big dope!
But I do agree that Cadance needs her mouth washed out with soap.
Oh hi there, Twilight, didn't see you, could you leave us two alone?
My fanny's burning up for Shining Armor's meaty bone.
You know I love you, Cadance, with all my heart and all my soul,
But we need to talk about this thing before we make a foal.
The time for talking's over, I need sex and need it now!
My fanny is a fertile field just waiting to be plowed.
Yes, we see and smell that you're in heat, but Cadance, come on, please,
This is not the time or place for this, you're causing me unease.
If the two of you have issues, you should really talk them through,
But my library is not the place for you and him to screw!
Oh I don't know, Twilight!
Your castle feels just right!
This table here's a classy piece!
I think it's where we'll make your niece!
Oooooooor neeeeeeepheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew...
EWWW!
Come on Shiny, don't be whiny!
Pony up and put it in my hiney!
Make me moan and make me scream!
Fill my fanny with your cream!
EWWW!
We're not doing this here, Cadance! Not in Twiley's favorite place!
What's the matter with you, Cadance? Hey, don't stick that in my face!
I'm not seeing this,
I'm not seeing this,
There's no way this is happening,
There's no way that this is real,
There's no way that this is going on,
This is something I can't deal
Wiiiiiiiith...
I'm the only one who gets a say,
And I want to roll in the hay!
If Shining Armor won't obey,
We'll just do this the easy waaaaaay...
What are you—no—stop—Cadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I want it. I need it. I want and need it now!
I want it and I need it and I want it and I need it and I want it and I need it and I want it and I
CADANCE, CUT THAT OUT, THAT'S WRONG!
THAT SPELL YOU CAST IS MUCH TOO STRONG!
AND YOU KNOW IT REALLY ISN'T CHILL
FOR YOU TO FORCE HIM TO DO YOUR WILL!
What just happened? I feel strange,
Like my thoughts were rearranged...
Did Cadance do something deranged?
Cadie, hon, it's like you've changed...
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry, Shining Armor, I'm a witch!
I can't believe I did that, now I feel like such a bitch!
How could you possibly forgive me? I'm an awful, awful wife!
The last thing that I wanted was to cause you so much strife!
No, it's not your fault, it's mine, I should have never run away.
I just freaked out when you said you want a family today.
Because I don't know if I'm ready, I don't know if I can deal,
But I never stopped to think of how my precious wife might feel!
So if you really want to try to have a foal right now,
Well—WHOA!
AHH! NOT ON THAT BOOK!
AHH! NOT ON THAT CHAIR!
AHH! GET OFF MY TABLE!
GAH! THE MIRROR! DON'T DO IT THERE!
OH CELESTIA, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I HAVE LIKE FIFTY ROOMS!
YOU DON'T REALLY NEED TO RUIN ALL MY BOOKS ON ANCIENT RUNES!
OH MY GOSH, I'M SEEING THINGS A SISTER SHOULDN'T EVER SEE!
...why do I suddenly feel like I really need to pee?
Ah! It's going in so deep!
Oh! It's going in so hard!
Oh! You're going much to slow!
AH! YOU'RE GOING WAY TOO FAST!
I can't believe I'm doing this,
In front of my dear little sis,
And yet it strangely feels okay,
For Twiley to see us this way...
Why, what's going on in here? A musical orgy? And nobody invited me? I'm crushed...
DISCORD! Why are you here?
AH! I'm really really near!
YES! Come inside me, dear!
Oh Twilight, might I see your rear? ...I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
GO BOTHER SOMEPONY ELSE, YOU PERVERT!
Twilight, thank you ever so much for letting us have sex in here.
I don't think I could have made it back home with this fire in my rear!
I didn't let you, you just did it, and look at all this mess!
You two had better clean it up, you've caused me quite enough distress!
The library is not a place for pony mating, don't you see?
Now clean this up and go back home...I'm going to go pee.
 | Title: | Bump, Bump, Sugarlump, Rump! |
| Series: | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic | |
| Genre: | Silly | |
| Content Rating: | 14+ (Some objectionable content) | |
| Updated: | October 15, 2013 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Silver Spoon has an embarrassing accident. | |
"Bump, bump, sugarlump, rump!"
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, the two wealthiest and most influential fillies in Ponyville, giggled as they completed their ritual high-class hoofbump. To the two spoiled fillies, it was their way of declaring solidarity against the forces of lower-class, poorly-bred rabble such as the three blank-flanks they enjoyed tormenting at every opportunity.
To everypony else, it was just one more clue as to how stupid and shallow the fillies were.
"Why the hay do they bang their butts together like that, anyway?" Scootaloo wondered as the Cutie Mark Crusaders trotted to their clubhouse after the umpteenth session of lame teasing from the two spoiled fillies and witnessing their silly ritual for what had to be the twenty thousandth time.
"Because they're better than us," Apple Bloom said, rolling her eyes. "And ponies who are better than you show it by doing things no sane pony would ever do." Prancing daintily on her hind legs, she tottered over to Sweetie Belle, one forehoof pressed to her forehead. "Rump, rump, sugarbutt hump!" she squeaked in a mimicing voice, wiggling her butt in Sweetie's face. The unicorn filly giggled.
"Cut that out, Apple Bloom!" Sweetie said.
"HEY! Will you three just NOT?" a voice called from above. Rainbow Dash swooped down upon them, a rare stern expression on her face. "Some of us really don't wanna see fillies wavin' their butts around while we're tryin' to work!"
Apple Bloom giggled. "Sorry, Rainbow Dash. We were just making fun of Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara and that stupid little butt-bump they do."
Rainbow blinked. "Stupid little butt-bump?"
"You've never seen it?" Scootaloo asked.
Rainbow Dash shook her head.
Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow at Sweetie Belle, who rolled her eyes and sighed. Assuming they position, they copied the two ritzy fillies more perfectly than either would be comfortable with if they stopped to think about it.
"Bump, bump, sugarlump, rump!"
They fell over giggling, even as Rainbow Dash stared at them, blinking. "They really do that? In public? That's..." Her composure cracked, and she started laughing. "That's so lame!"
After having a good laugh over the whole thing, the pegasus returned to her weather duties, and the Crusaders continued on to the clubhouse.
* * * * *
The next day, Cheerilee led her class outside to play dodgeball. She was a little apprehensive about letting this particular bunch play that particular game, but she wanted them to get some fresh air and exercise—and she wanted to sample some bluebonnets that had mysteriously sprung up along the south wall of the schoolhouse, preferably without anypony noticing.
With Cheerilee off hogging all the tasty rare flowers for herself, the game turned ugly fast. Snips and Snails had somehow managed to take out half the colts in the class and each other with one throw each, most of the fillies were playing volleyball instead of dodgeball (not intentionally—they just really sucked at it), and Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were surgically, methodically, and cruelly picking off as many of their classmates as they could.
Finally, it was down to the two spoiled fillies versus the Cutie Mark Crusaders. The three blank-flanks huddled to discuss a plan to deal with their nemeses, but somewhere along the way, Sweetie Belle had gotten her part of the plan confused, and the Crusaders wound up eliminating themselves without so much as touching their rivals.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were busy having a gloating victory laugh over their defeated classmates, perverse delight gleaming in their eyes at the sight of their peers lying around in the grass nursing various ball wounds.
"Once again, we've proven that we are simply better than you losers in every way," Diamond Tiara said haughtily. She held her hoof out to Silver Spoon to instigate the ritual bump.
"Bump, bump, sugarlump, r—"
The final chorus of "rump" was overshadowed by a loud squelching, splattering noise, punctuated by a long, sharp whine of gaseous release.
The playground froze, the colts and fillies staring in stunned, wide-eyed disbelief at what had just happened.
In the midst of the finishing rump-bump, Silver Spoon had crapped all over Diamond Tiara's rump.
"Oh...oh my gosh..." Silver Spoon said quietly, hooves pressed to her mouth in shock. "I...I didn't...it was an accident..."
"Boy, I'll say," Snips quipped.
Diamond Tiara stood there, irises narrowed to pinpricks. "Whhhh...aaaaaaaaat just happened?" she asked shakily, disbelief in her voice.
"Your B.F.F. just P.O.O.ed all over your B.U.T.," Scootaloo said, snickering.
"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Silver Spoon cried.
Diamond Tiara slowly craned her neck back to look at her flank and rump. Sure enough, her pristine coat, scrubbed daily with the finest imported shampoo and conditioner, was covered in fresh manure. "Oh. Celestia's. Armpit. That. Did. Not. Just. Happen."
"It surely did," Apple Bloom said, snickering. After a moment, she added, "Stank Flank!"
The entire class erupted into laughter, save Diamond Tiara, who was seething with rage, and Silver Spoon, who was mortified both at the damage she'd wrought to her beautiful friend, and at the fact that she'd just done something every foal stopped doing before they turned two.
"But it...it was an accident..." Silver Spoon whispered, tears brimming behind the lenses of her glasses.
Diamond Tiara growled. "I'LL SHOW YOU AN ACCIDENT!" she roared, pawing the ground with a hoof, snorting steam.
"EEP!" Silver squeaked. Diamond charged after her like an angry bull, and the terrified and embarrassed filly turned tail and ran as fast as her perfectly-manicured little hooves could carry her.
As the two fillies left the schoolhouse grounds, the remaining fillies and colts could hear Diamond Tiara scream, "GET BACK HERE! I'VE GOT SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO YOU! I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT BACK! ALL OF IT!!"
The Cutie Mark Crusaders couldn't take it anymore. They rolled around on the ground laughing so hard they nearly peed themselves.
Cheerilee trotted back around the corner, staring around at her laughing, screaming class. "What's going on over here? Where are Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara?"
"They had some stuff t' take care of," Apple Bloom said. As Cheerilee tilted her head in confusion, the Crusaders looked at one another, nodded, and...
"Bump, bump, sugarlump, RUMP!"
Thankfully, nopony crapped this time.
 | Title: | Clop, Clop, Clop |
| Series: | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic | |
| Genre: | Silly | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | June 4, 2013 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | A poem about clopping. | |
At sunrise Twilight Sparkle yawned and clambered out of bed.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as they rose to start the day.
Spike had already made breakfast, and Twilight Sparkle joined him at the table.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as Twilight put the breakfast things away.
Twilight Sparkle opened the library and went over her checklist of things to do during the day.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as Twilight scratched off 'eat breakfast' with her quill.
She opened up the windows to let a cool breeze blow through the library.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as a butterfly landed on the windowsill.
A pony came by to check out a book, another came by to talk.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies in the streets of Ponyville.
Twilight Sparkle became frantic when she realized she hadn't made a checklist of checklists to make of checklists she'd need to make next week.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as Spike told her to take a pill.
A shipment of books arrived and Twilight Sparkle sorted them for shelving.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as she triple-checked all the receipt stubs.
The library shook as in the house next door, Vinyl Scratch perfected her latest mix.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as they started going deaf from the wubs.
Derpy Hooves delivered the mail and checked out a book on muffins.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as Derpy collided midair with Rainbow Dash.
Twilight Sparkle cringed at the pile of tangled limbs and manes falling out of the sky.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as the two pegasi landed with a crash.
Twilight Sparkle applied first aid to the pegasi while Rainbow Dash berated Derpy.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as Derpy's eyes rolled round and round.
Twilight Sparkle chided Rainbow Dash and gave her the latest Daring-Do book to read.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as Rainbow Dash made a squeeing sound.
Cheerilee stopped in to return a book and they chatted for a bit.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as the hour rolled round to noon.
As Cheerilee left, Twilight's stomach rumbled, and she knew it was time to eat.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as she told Spike lunch would be ready soon.
Twilight Sparkle ate a lettuce, lettuce, and tomato sandwich for lunch.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as they went to their favorite spots to eat.
Rarity dropped by to invite Twilight Sparkle for an afternoon out and to give Spike a hat she'd made just for him.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as Spike's face turned red as a beet.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders stopped by to check out a book on fencing.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as Twilight shuddered at the idea of those three with swords.
Twilight instead suggested they try a less dangerous hobby, and they agreed.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as the Crusaders went to find some skateboards.
Twilight Sparkle made a checklist of things for Spike to do when she left for the rest of the day.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as she wondered if she'd better just stay.
Spike rolled his eyes and reassured her it'd be fine, so she left to meet up with her friends.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as Spike threw the list of chores away.
Twilight Sparkle met Fluttershy and Rarity for some shopping and afternoon tea.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as they trotted down the Ponyville streets.
They found Applejack selling many tasty apple treats, and they bought an apple fritter apiece.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as they nibbled on their fried apple sweets.
They passed a couple fillies jumping rope and singing songs as they went around the corner by the park.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as they trotted down a different lane.
They arrived at Sugar Cube Corner and they said hello to Pinkie Pie who joined them in her bouncy silly way.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as Pinkie pulled a cupcake from her mane.
They all drank tea and talked a bit, then did a little shopping in the town.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as Rainbow Dash flew by with Thunderlane.
Then suddenly the sky got dark, the wind picked up, and thunder rumbled loud.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as they ran from the impending rain.
Applejack offered them a ride in her wagon as she sped back to Sweet Apple Acres.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as they raced inside where it's dry.
Pinkie Pie decided to throw a rainy day party, and soon everypony was having a grand old time.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as the rain fell gently from the sky.
When the storm was over everypony went outside and continued their afternoon fun.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as they gabbed about various things.
In the park they found Lyra Heartstrings making beautiful music with her lyre.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as the unicorn plucked the strings.
They listened until sunset, then it was time to head for home.
Clop, clop, clop went the hooves of the ponies as they trotted wearily away.
Twilight said goodnight to Spike and brushed her teeth and slipped between the sheets.
...and the hooves of the ponies didn't clop, clop, clop because everypony already hit the hay!
 | Title: | If Tomorrow Never Comes |
| Series: | Love Hina Cowboy Bebop | |
| Genre: | Crossover,Sad | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 17, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Just who IS Faye Valentine...? | |
"Um... Everyone decided to send a message to themselves ten years in the future.
"Oh, come on, don't laugh!
"Um... This makes me blush after all! Eh? Something I want to say? Good morning...
"Oh! Nevermind!
"Good morning, me. Did you sleep well? And did you wake up well? Does the light and the wind, the air and the smell, all feel brand new? Is each and every cell in your body awake now? Today, you are who you are today. You are a newer version of me. Myself ten years from now... That's so far away for me that I can't even begin to imagine. Am I alone? Or is there a wonderful person next to me? Well, knowing me, I'm sure I'm troubling a lot of different people. But that's all right. There's no problem. I will always be cheering you on.
"And now for a big cheer... from the bottom of my heart. Go! Go! Me, me, me! Do your best, do your best! Me, me, me! Don't lose, don't lose! Don't lose me!
"I am no longer here... But I'm here today, and I'll always be cheering for you right here... Cheering for you, my only self."
She blushed as the taped message dissolved into static. "It sounds ridiculous like that, doesn't it?"
The young man sitting beside her smiled gently. "No, it's wonderful. Everyone should always remember the happy times of their lives, when there's nothing to worry about in the world."
"Mou...don't say such things! You'll scare her into thinking she won't be happy ten years from now!"
The blue-haired girl giggled. "It's okay, senpai. I know what you mean. I'm just glad to be so happy now. Before I met senpai, I was never happy...now I have senpai, and all my friends..."
The boy with the glasses smiled. "We're all happy to have you too." He paused, looking at a younger, dark-skinned girl. "Oi, shouldn't we use something a little more permanent for this? I mean, it's kind of outdated, don't you think?"
"It's cheap," the girl replies with a giggle. "Besides, it's symbolic! It's a message from the past, so we use a tape from the past!"
"A ten-year-old message and a thirty-year-old, obsolete tape," a silver-haired woman commented, sipping a beer. "Heh...yeah, that's symbolic alright."
Everyone laughed, and the girl felt happy to have so many wonderful friends, and hoped that in ten years, she'd be just as happy...
* * * * *
"There simply isn't anything we can do."
"No! No, I won't accept it! No, no, no!"
"Hime-sama, please. The doctors know what they're talking about. I know it's hard, but..."
"There's a way! I know there is! You just haven't found it yet!"
"Ma'am, by the time we do, it'll already be too late for your friend."
"No it won't!" The teary-eyed, dark-skinned woman peered intently at the battered figure on the bed. "Put her in cryogenic sleep."
"Eh? Cryosleep?" the doctor asked. "You realize that's very expensive, and not really reliable."
"I don't care, I can afford it. And...and..." She sniffled, fresh tears waiting to break free. "I just can't lose her. She's too important to me."
"...well, alright. We'll make the arrangements, if you're sure this is what you want for your friend..."
"Yes."
The doctor and her personal assistants motioned her to leave the room, to go with them to sign important papers and make calls to ensure what she wanted to do could in fact be done. She stopped, and stood by the bed for a moment, gently touching the comatose woman's blue hair.
"Please hold on...everything'll be okay again, Shinomu."
With one last, long look at her injured friend, Kaolla Suu turned and left.
SEE YOU, SPACE COWGIRL...
 | Title: | In The Infinite Moment |
| Series: | Chrono Trigger | |
| Genre: | Dark | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 12, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Crono's thoughts as he faces death. | |
—One among you—
This isn't how I expected it to be.
—What do you expect to do—
My body...I can barely move it. It hurts...
—will shortly perish—
The words spoken by the dour child echo in the infinite, the shape of the small mouth forming that portent of death looming like a spectre,
—The black wind howls—
superimposed over the nightmarish being that fills my vision.
—with that battered body of yours?—
This is really the end. My body hurts. The pain...it's like Hell itself poured every molecule of its existence into me.
—The black wind howls—
Perhaps it did.
—One among you—
But I'm not ready yet. It's not time.
—What do you expect to do—
I have things to take care of first. I have to finish this. I have to
—will shortly perish—
save the world. Save my friends.
—with that battered body of yours?—
Marle...Lucca...everyone...
—Crono...—
I'm sorry. I thought I could save the world...but I couldn't even save my precious friends.
—One among you—
No. I refuse to allow you to die here.
—What do you expect to do—
There's not much strength left in me. I can barely hold my sword.
—Crono!!—
And this power...it's so far beyond anything I imagined...
—The black wind howls—
I can't stop. I can't let it end this way.
—will shortly perish—
If I can just buy time...just one more minute...
—with that battered body of yours?—
Everyone...please escape this place. Please...find somewhere in time, live out your lives in peace...
—One among you—
Don't die. Please. For me.
—The black wind howls—
Magus...I understand you now. I know what you were trying to do.
—What do you expect to do—
All that power...it was for this, wasn't it? But even you...
—will shortly perish—
There's nothing any of us can do, is there?
—with that battered body of yours?—
The future...it isn't going to change.
—The black wind howls—
Everyone...
—Crono...!—
I'm sorry...
—Crono!!—
I couldn't save you.
—CRONO!!—
It hurts...
| Title: | Judgement Call |
| Series: | Detective Conan | |
| Genre: | Romance | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 30, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | On the fateful night of his transformation, Shinichi elects to ignore Hakase's advice and tell Ran the truth. | |
"So...do you have a girl you like, Conan-kun?"
The small, bespectacled boy blushed and put his hand behind his head. "Eh, maybe a little."
"You should tell her."
He looked up at her, and smiled a small, strange smile. "I think I will, maybe...as soon as I can." Then, he gave her a sly look. "What about you, neechan? Do you like somebody? Maybe Shinichi-niichan?"
The tall brunette smiled, looking at the sky. "Yeah...I really do. I think I really do like that detective freak." She giggled, then smiled down at her companion. "Well, I'm still gonna kick his ass for making me worry tonight."
She walked on in silence for a moment before realizing her young charge wasn't following. "Conan-kun?"
The boy stood silently, just on the edge of a streetlight's glow, eyes cast downward.
"Conan-kun? Are you alright?"
He looked up, then, and something burned in his eyes—something that made her nervous. "Y-yeah. I'm fine. But I have something important to tell you." He looked around for a minute, nervously. "When we get to your place, though."
"H-hai..."
"You can't tell ANYONE, Shinichi. Not even Ran-kun. Nobody. They'd be in danger..."
*Barou...they'd be in danger anyway. It's not like those guys would leave the people who know me alone if they found out I wasn't dead...*
The small detective looked at the tall, cheerful girl walking slightly ahead of him, and sighed wearily. *It's better if she knows. I don't want her involved in this, but...I know that idiot; if I just disappear without a trace, she'll cry and act all sad and I just don't want that. And if those guys come after her, at least she'll be ready for it...*
They walked up to the building housing the Mouri Detective Agency and residence just in time to see a taxi peel away from the curb. "Otousan must be off to play mah jongg tonight," Ran commented. "Well!" she added brightly to the small boy, leaning down to smile at him, "We'll have the place all to ourselves tonight, Conan-kun!"
He smiled up at her, acting every bit the young, innocent child he wasn't, and followed her upstairs.
Once they walked into the apartment on the third floor and removed their shoes, however, the act dropped. "So, Conan-kun, what was it you wanted to tell me?" Ran asked, turning around.
He crossed the room, hands in his pockets, and stood directly in the center, a serious, intent look on his face—a look that was hauntingly familiar. "C-Conan-kun? What...?"
"My name isn't Edogawa Conan," he said softly, in a completely different tone of voice than he had been using to date.
"...what?" she asked, blinking.
The boy rolled his eyes. "Barou! Who would have a stupid name like that? Didn't you see the books I was leaning against when you asked me what my name was? Edogawa Ranpo, Conan Doyle...I made it up on the spot out of panic."
Ran blinked. "But...why would you...?"
"Conan" removed his glasses and tossed them to her. She yelped and struggled to catch them without dropping them. "Mou, Conan-kun..." She blinked. "Matte...there's no lenses in these."
"Of course not. They're Tousan's...I was using the empty frames as a disguise to keep you from recognizing me."
"Recognizing...?" Ran looked at the boy closely, noticing his sharp eyes, messy dark hair, and hauntingly familiar features. "What...?"
"I'm sorry I tried to lie to you, Ran," he continued, "but Hakase thought it'd be a good idea if you didn't know...but I got to thinking about it on the way here, and I think he's wrong. I think you need to know what happened to me tonight. So I'm not gonna lie."
"Wh—what...?" Ran blinked at the boy, sitting down in front of him. "What are you talking about...who are you...?"
He rolled his eyes. "Barou. You should have figured it out by now. We grew up together; I know you're smart enough that you couldn't have forgotten what I looked like when I was really this little." He sighed. "You were right to warn me about following those guys. I really stepped in it this time."
"Following what—who—" Ran began to have a VERY bad feeling, almost as bad as earlier, when she had warned...
...when she had warned Shinichi...
...oh no. NO. Oh, NO...
Those cloudy blue eyes didn't carry the wry smile the small boy aimed at her. "Ran...it's me. Shinichi."
"Liar..."
"We went to Tropical Land today for a date. I promised you because you won the karate tournament."
"Liar..."
"I bought you a coke and led you to the place where the fountains went off at that specific time, remember? And we opened them and got ourselves sprayed..."
"Liar...!"
"We went on the Mystery Coaster, and there was that murder...the woman with the bruises on her thighs killed the man sitting behind me, with a piano wire hidden in her pearls..."
"LIAR!" Ran screamed, standing up and drawing her hand back as though to strike the small form in front of her.
"And then I left you, to follow those kurozukume, because I thought they were suspicious. Turns out, I was right. I witnessed a blackmail deal, but I screwed up. One of them got the drop on me, knocked me over the head." He turned and showed her the angry lump on the back of his head where he'd been struck, then turned back to face her. "They fed me a poison that was supposed to kill me, then left. But...that drug didn't kill me. Somehow, it..." He shrugged and gestured at his own body. "I don't know how or why, but it did THIS to me. Hakase's gonna try to make a cure, but..." He sighed. "I don't even trust him to make a toaster that works, much less a drug to fix this kind of..."
Ran dropped to her knees. "Shinichi? That isn't really you. Please...tell me that isn't really you." Tears welled in her eyes.
"I wish I could. Believe me, I wish I could. But it is, Ran. It's me."
"But...why...?"
"Because I screwed up. I'm a complete idiot. And now I'm gonna have to act like I'm really dead, and live a pretend life until I can get my real body back and take down the bastards that did this to me."
Ran's eyes hardened suddenly. "You won't have to do it alone. I'll be there."
"Oi, Ran...I don't want you involved."
"I don't care what you want, Shinichi. I'm going to help you, and you can't stop me. Besides..." She gave a small, shaky laugh. "There's really not much you can do in your situation, is there?"
He glowered at her. "Just because I'm little doesn't mean I'm helpless, you know."
Suddenly, her hands flew to her mouth and her eyes widened. "Oh my god...I told you...on the way here..." Her face turned very red. "I said those things..."
Shinichi turned red as well, and looked down and to the side. "Yeah, well...when I said there's a girl I like...I meant you. You know that, right?"
She stared at him. "Really...? You mean that, Shinichi?"
He snorted. "Barou. Who else would I say that about?"
Suddenly, the air was forced out of his lungs as he was pressed in a tight, crushing hug. "Shinichi..." Ran's tears fell hot on his face. "We'll get through this, together...I promise..."
"Ran..."
"I love you, and I'm not letting go. Ever."
"Actually..." The shrunken detective coughed. "Right now...letting go...would be good..."
Ran blinked. "Eh?"
"Suffocating...breasts..."
"Eep!" Ran's face reddened like a tomato, and she very nearly flung the much smaller boy across the room. "Shinichi! Don't say perverted things like that..."
He rolled his eyes at her. "Don't try to kill me with those things, then."
"You little..."
"Ack!"
The ensuing chase lasted for several minutes and ended in a fierce tickle fight. When at last both had exhausted their energy, Ran lay sprawled on the floor, with the diminuitive form of Shinichi laying on her stomach, her arms encircling him protectively.
"I really do love you, Shinichi. And...we'll get through this, together. I promise."
"Yeah...I just hope I don't get your or anybody else hurt because of my stupid mistake."
"Everybody makes mistakes, Shinichi. It's nothing to be embarrassed about."
A long, poignant silence.
"Well, okay, I admit not everybody makes one THIS big..."
Another long, awkward silence.
"Why don't I just shut up before I say anything else stupid?" Ran suggested.
"Good idea."
And so ended the first night of Shinichi's strange new life as a small boy named Edogawa Conan.
*But,* he mused as he drifted off to sleep in the arms of the girl he loved more than anything in the world, *at least I'm not alone...*
| Title: | Killing You With A Lie |
| Series: | Detective Conan | |
| Genre: | Drama, Sad | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 12, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Conan decides to lie to Ran one final time. | |
"Goddammit, Conan-kun! I want the truth!" Mouri Ran half-screamed, half-sobbed, wiping tears from her eyes with her fingers. The small boy standing just over an arm's length away shuffled his feet, bowing his head and looking distinctly uncomfortable.
"I've seen and heard so many things," Ran continued, sniffling. "Pictures, things that could've been coincidence but I know just aren't, strange words that don't make sense but sound really important, and the way you act...you're not a normal kid, not even close to normal, and the only thing that makes sense..." She trailed off. "Conan-kun, just tell me," she continued hoarsely, voice barely above a whisper. "Are...are you...?"
The boy stood indecisively for a long moment. This was it. He could tell her. He could deny it. He could evade the question. He could pray for a miracle.
Or he could kill her with a lie that was almost a truth.
*Ran...I'm sorry...this is the last time I'll hurt you, I swear.*
Conan's face was obscured by his bangs. The dim light from the window behind him somehow caught the lenses of his glasses, making them the brightest thing in the room, drawing Ran into their reflected glare like a moth to a flame.
Fitting, as his next words would burn her to a cinder.
"Ran-neechan...Shinichi-niichan's dead."
Ran's eyes widened. "Wh...what?"
"He's been dead for a long time. They killed him months ago."
"No...that's not...! Conan-kun, I've talked to hi—I've SEEN him...!"
Conan shook his head, and removed his bowtie from his pocket. He turned the back of it to show it to her; she could see the dials and the microphone there. "Nobody wanted you to know until his papa caught the guys who did it, because they were afraid you'd go out looking for revenge. So Hakase gave me this, an' told me to call you sometimes with his voice." He pocketed the small device. "And every time you've seen him, it wasn't really him. It was Kaitou Kid or Heiji-niichan in disguise."
"Uso..."
"We did it to keep you safe, Ran-neechan," Conan continued. "I'm sorry, I know how much it hurts. I know how angry you are, an' I'm gonna go back home now because my work here's done. I'm gonna miss you, but I think...I think right now, the last person you wanna see is me." He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned away from her, keeping his head low to hide the tears. "Don't hate me, Ran-neechan. We were just doin' what Shinichi-niichan would've wanted. We were keepin' you safe because he loved you."
Ran gave a choked, wavering quail of a sob and collapsed to her knees; her body was soon wracked with heaving, racking cries of anguish.
Less than two blocks from the Mouri Detective Agency, the home he would never see again, Kudou Shinichi dropped to the sidewalk and cried along with her.
 | Title: | The Last Pie of Summer |
| Series: | Phineas and Ferb | |
| Genre: | Comedy | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | June 24, 2015 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | While having the last pie of summer, Candace realizes something. | |
As the Flynn-Fletcher family and their assorted friends, acquaintances, and supporting characters crowded around the kitchen table for the last pie of summer, Candace suddenly shot bolt upright in her chair, dropping her fork with a loud clink. "HEY! Wait a second!" She stared from Phineas to their mom, then back, mouth wide in shock. "Mom! Mom! You saw it, right? Just now, when you came out to—" She paused, looking from Linda to the boys to the backyard to the pie. "YOU SAW IT! The stages! For the final song!"
Linda smiled. "Hmm...yes. Yes, I did."
Candace blinked. "Bu-bu-bu-bu-buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut..." She looked from Phineas, who was smirking, to Linda, who was daintily dabbing her mouth with her napkin. "Buuuuh?"
"Wait for it," Ferb said, watching curiously.
Candace's jaw dropped even further. "You knew," she said in a flat tone. "All this time...you knew."
"Yep."
"Every single thing. All summer."
"Sure did."
"The boys..." Candace swallowed. "They...they were never gonna be busted for any of it, were they?"
"Oh, honey...who do you think PAID for it all? Well...most of it. Maybe half, tops."
Candace locked up, mouth moving soundlessly.
Linda smirked, rolled her eyes, and held out a hand to Phineas. "You lost. Pay up."
Phineas sighed. "Darn. A few more hours and I woulda won." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet.
Candace blinked. "Huuuuh?"
"We had a little bet," Linda said. "Phineas bet me you could go the entire summer without ever figuring out I knew all about the boys' inventions and schemes. And I bet HIM that you'd catch on before the end of summer."
"And...it's technically still summer for a few more hours," Phineas said, "so I lost." He pulled a crisp $1 bill out of his wallet. "One dollar." He handed it to Linda, who folded it into the pocket of her capri pants.
Candace stared at them. "You mean to tell me...you let me run myself crazy all summer long...over a stupid bet? For one dollar?"
Linda and Phineas looked at each other. "Yes. Yes we did," they said in unison.
Candace fell face-first into her pie, splattering blueberries all over the table.
"Wow," Doofenshmirtz said. "And I thought I was evil..."
 | Title: | Memories Don't Burn |
| Series: | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic | |
| Genre: | Sad, Slice of Life | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | May 10, 2014 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | After the defeat of Tirek, Twilight copes with the loss of the home she made for herself in Ponyville. | |
Six ponies and a dragon stood solemnly in a row, facing the blackened, splintered remains of a mighty oak. A crowd of ponies stood at a respectful distance behind them, silent and grave.
"There's not much left," Fluttershy said softly.
Twilight bowed her head, ears wilting as tears welled in her eyes. "My home..." She sniffled. "All my stuff. All Spike's stuff. All the memories we've made here..."
"I'm gonna miss my basket," Spike said mournfully. "And my blanket."
A pile of books lay on the ground a few feet from the smoldering tree, guarded by a silent, vigilant owl. Some of them were blackened and damaged.
"Can't you, I dunno, fix it?" Rainbow Dash asked. "I mean, your magic is amazing..."
Twilight shook her head. "Even alicorn magic has its limits, Rainbow Dash. The books that survived, I might be able to repair using my book repair spell, and then only because I've read every book in the library. Anything that was just singed a little, or torn...as long as it's intact, I can probably fix it." She sighed. "But even I can't fix photographs that burned to ash, or...or the beautiful Gala dress Rarity made for me that was in my closet. There's no closet anymore, so there's no dress anymore." She sniffled again. "The stuff that was in the basement is probably okay, but..."
"Look, sugarcube..." Applejack said, "The important thing is, y'all are okay. All that got blowed up was, well...stuff. You can get more stuff."
"Yeah, say that when your house blows up," Rainbow Dash said.
Rarity tossed her mane and slapped Rainbow with her tail. "Really!" She stepped closer to Twilight and leaned against her. "It's true that what's important are the memories, not the possessions. But one cannot simply dismiss the value of cherished things. Things that are irreplaceable."
Twilight sighed. "Yeah, there were things in there I'm going to miss. A lot. Things you girls have given me, pictures we took together, letters from my family, from Celestia..." She shook her head. "There were also some very rare books in the library that are going to be hard to replace." She frowned. "And...well...it may have been my home, but it was also Ponyville's library."
"We can build a new library," Mayor Mare said, approaching Twilight reverently. "But it will never be the same. You're what made this library special." She looked at the jagged, blackened tree stump and shook her head sadly. "Before you came to Ponyville, it was just an old tree full of musty books." A wave of agreement rippled through the ponies.
Applejack looked over the Ponyville skyline at the newest addition, which sparkled in the sun, a rainbow of bright colors. "Plenty of room for a new library in there," she said.
Twilight shook her head. "Maybe, but...I'd rather Ponyville have its own library. One that isn't...I mean..."
Pinkie put a hoof around Twilight. "We understand," she said.
Twilight smiled sadly, returning Pinkie's hug as she looked at the ruins of the Golden Oak Library. "Well, girls," she said, a hitch in her voice, "Mind helping me dig through this, see if there's anything we can save?"
"We're right with you, Twilight," Rainbow said.
By nightfall, a pitifully small pile of objects lay on the grass next to the burned tree. Most of the pile consisted of books; a few kitchen utensils, including Spike's favorite cast iron skillet, adorned the pile. Twilight studied the pile and sighed. "I guess...this is it," she said.
A soft breeze stirred Twilight's mane as Princess Luna glided to the ground beside her, spreading a wing over her. "Celestia has the merchants and artisans of Canterlot working overtime," she said gently. "While we could never begin to replace everything you've lost, everypony is going to do their best. After all, you have saved Equestria time and again. This is the least you deserve for your sacrifices."
Twilight smiled. "Thank you. Tell Celestia I appreciate it. I'd tell her myself, but..." She chuckled ruefully. "I don't have any parchment or a quill to write a letter with."
"You will, and soon," Luna said. "Everything is going to be delivered to your new palace as soon as possible."
Twilight looked at the dully glittering tree-palace and sighed. "I just can't believe it's time to move on," she said. "It feels...it feels like part of my life is ending."
"Part of your life is ending, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said. "But that's what life is. Life is a series of endings and beginnings." She gestured with a hoof at the tree-palace. "Yes, this ending was brought about in a tragic and painful way, but look at what lies before you. The beginning of your reign. The destiny you wanted. This is your time, Princess Twilight. Embrace this change. It may hurt, and you will be sad. But the memories inside you—no fire can burn those. Carry them forward with you as you make new memories with your friends. As you make new friends, and make memories with them as well."
Twilight sniffled, smiling. "You're right," she said. "This...this is just the beginning. And my friends are still beside me. And you, and Celestia and Cadance and...and everypony." She stood up straight, ruffling her wings. "Thank you, Princess Luna."
Luna nodded. "I must go now," she said. "Tonight will no doubt be a busy night for me, after what has happened. Be well, Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight waved. "Take care, Luna." She looked at the meager pile of salvaged belongings. "I guess...it's time for me to move on."
* * * * *
Twilight studied the construction site with a critical eye. What used to be the roots of the tree that had been her home had been replaced with a stone foundation. Wooden beams and planks stood, the skeleton of a new structure. Palettes of building material lay beside the new building, and rugged earth ponies moved to and fro. She descended to the ground, where Mayor Mare was also observing the construction, a clipboard on the ground in front of her.
"We've almost finished requisitioning all the books on your list, Princess," Mayor Mare said. "They're in storage at Town Hall."
"Good work, Mayor," Twilight said.
"Please, Your Highness," the older mare said with a rueful chuckle. "Call me Polly. It's...not as if I'm the Mayor anymore."
Twilight laughed sheepishly. "I never wanted to kick you out of your job, you know," she said apologetically.
Polly Mare waved a hoof airily. "Oh, it's quite alright, Your Highness," she said. "I'm actually much happier being your aide. To tell the truth, running this town can drive a pony crazy!"
Twilight giggled. "I can believe it," she said. Then, with a guilty blush, she admitted, "After all, I caused a lot of the crazy, didn't I?"
"You sure did," Polly said with a wink.
Two Royal Guards trotted up the path, each hauling a cart. "Princess!" one of them shouted. "We've got more books and artefacts from the ancient castle!"
Twilight nodded over at them. "Let me check them before you take them to the Palace," she said. She trotted over; her horn glowed brilliantly as the contents of the carts were bathed in magenta light. She frowned. "Hmm. There's something cursed in there..." The contents of one cart shifted, and a yellowed minotaur skull with a black crystal in its jaw floated out. "GAH!" she cried, taking a step back. "Why would you even pack something like that?"
One of the guards looked down sheepishly. "I thought it looked awesome," he said.
Twilight shook her head. With a burst of magic, the skull and crystal disintegrated. "Okay, take 'er on up, boys!"
As the guards hauled the carts, Twilight took another look at the construction site, then took wing, flying off to the sparkling tree-palace that was her new home. As she cleared the gates, she glided down the halls toward the throne room, looking around at the warm tapestries and brass sconces that had been installed.
As she reached the throne room, she found a cup of hot tea, two cupcakes, and her favorite Daring Do book waiting for her on her throne. She smiled, conjured a tray, set everything on it, and perched on her throne, stretching as she sipped her tea and found her place in the book.
It would take time for her to adjust to the changes in her life, and the loss of the home she had built for herself in Ponyville still hurt. The memories of all the good times she'd had with her friends, however...those would remain forever, untarnished, and made all the more precious by the promise of all the memories to come.
In the corner of the throne room stood a golden pedestal. Upon this pedestal, protected by a crystal bell jar, a scorched acorn, the last remnant of the Golden Oak Library, lay atop a red velvet pillow.
 | Title: | Mistery Meat |
| Series: | My Little Pony: Equestria Girls | |
| Genre: | Comedy | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | November 5, 2014 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | The Crusaders decide to find out just what's in the cafeteria's mystery lunch. | |
"Ugh...what IS this slop?"
Scootaloo poked her fork at the congealed mass of glue-like grey gunk sitting atop a piece of whole wheat toast on her lunch tray.
"Ah dunno, but there ain't enough hot sauce in Canterlot t' make it fit t' eat," Apple Bloom said, taking a bite of her ripe, crisp apple.
"I'm so glad I bring my lunch to school," Sweetie Belle said, taking a bite of the turkey, chicken, and swiss sandwich on wheat roll that Rarity had lovingly made for her that morning.
Scootaloo pulled out her copy of the cafeteria menu for the month, frowning at it. "Wow, whoever types up the menus is lazy," she said. "I'm pretty sure this is misspelled."
Sweetie Belle snatched the menu away from Scootaloo and studied it. "Yeah, you spell 'mystery' with two Ys," she said. "How can anyone working at a school make a mistake like that?"
"Hey now, mah granny types up th' menus," Apple Bloom said with a scowl. "She ain't had no schoolin', but she can read an' write." She looked at the menu. "It's probably just a typo." She blinked, then took a second look at the menu. "A typo that shows up every single time this crap's on th' menu..."
"Hey...do you think maybe it...maybe it is crap?" Scootaloo asked. "Like, actual crap?"
"Ewwwww!" Sweetie Belle said, putting her sandwich down and reaching for her napkin. "Don't even say things like that! Especially not while I'm eating!"
"What? It's not like you're the one eating this crap."
Apple Bloom stood up. "Ah'm gonna go ask Granny exactly what this stuff is," she announced. She walked over to the counter.
Granny Smith looked up from cleaning her station. "Howdy, yung'un!" she said. "You ain't lookin' fer seconds now, are ya?"
"Actually, Ah wanted t' ask somethin'. Whut exactly is th' mystery meat?"
Granny Smith blinked. "Well now, Ah can't rightly say whut it is, Apple Bloom," she said. "Heck, Ah don't even cook it. Ah just slop it on th' trays an' don't ask questions." She frowned. "If'n th' school had money for good food, Ah wouldn't serve it. It looks like it came out th' wrong end of a sick mule. But...they say it's got all th' vitamins and minerals you kids need, so..." She shrugged. "Ah can't argue with them smart folk whut done put it on th' menu."
"Oh," Apple Bloom said, disappointed. Then, remembering something, she asked, "Hey...why do you spell it that way on the menu, anyway? Mystery isn't spelled with an I..."
Granny chuckled. "Ah know that, chil'! But see, that's th' thing...th' big tubs that stuff comes in spell it jes' like that on th' side." She shuffled into the back of the cafeteria, then returned with an empty plastic tub big enough to drown a five-year-old in. "See?"
On the side, in stark red block lettering, the tub said:
MISTERY MEAT
F&F INDUSTRIAL FOOD PRODUCTS
INSTITUTIONAL USE ONLY
"Huh," Apple Bloom said, scratching her head. "Well...thanks, Granny."
"You have a good afternoon now," Granny Smith said as she put the empty Mistery Meat tub away and went back to wiping down the kitchen.
Apple Bloom returned to the table to find her friends waiting expectantly. "Well?" Scootaloo asked.
"She don't know," Apple Bloom said. "It comes from some place called F&F Industrial Food Products."
"Wow, that name sounds about as bad as the stuff they make looks," Scootaloo said.
"Funny thing though, it's mispelled on the tubs that crud comes in too."
Sweetie Belle pulled out her phone and did a web search. "F&F...hey, that's just a few miles from Sweet Apple Acres," she said.
The girls exchanged a glance, grinning.
"Crusaders Cafeteria Food Investigation?" Apple Bloom suggested.
"Totally," Scootaloo agreed. "I'm not eating another bite of this crap until I know what's crapping it out."
"Again, ewww," Sweetie Belle said.
"Hey, you gonna finish that?"
"Go ahead..."
* * * * *
When Saturday arrived, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle rode their bikes out to Sweet Apple Acres. Once they arrived, they joined Apple Bloom in her room.
"Right, so...y'all got yer sneakin'-around clothes?"
Scootaloo pulled a black hoodie and a pair of sweatpants out of her backpack. Sweetie Belle pulled out a similar outfit. Apple Bloom nodded and rummaged through her closet, producing an old camo-print track suit.
"Alright," Apple Bloom said, "let's get changed, then ride out t' that F&F place."
The girls changed clothes, then headed downstairs. "Ah'm goin' out fer a bike ride with th' girls," Apple Bloom called into the kitchen.
Applejack's voice replied, "Don't stay out too late!"
The three freshmen got on their bikes and rode out to the massive industrial complex that was F&F Industrial Food Products. There were three huge warehouses with aluminum roofs and siding, two slaughterhouses, several silos, and a half dozen Quonset huts. A dozen large trucks were parked around the warehouses.
As the girls snuck around the compound, they saw two men with red and white hair hauling a pallet from one of the long huts to one of the warehouses. Among the dozens of containers, boxes, and crates on the palette, they could see a dozen tubs of "Mistery Meat".
"There it is," Sweetie Belle said.
"They came out of there," Scootaloo said, pointing to one of the huts. "Let's get a closer look."
The girls crept closer to the hut. Apple Bloom checked to see if the coast was clear, then motioned for the others to join her. Cautiously, the three Crusaders snuck into the hut, ducking behind a particle board divider that had a half dozen blood-encrusted smocks hanging from it.
"So, umm...you girls know we're breaking the law right now, right?" Sweetie Belle whispered.
"Sneaking around in here isn't as big a crime as that cafeteria crap," Scootaloo shot back.
"Shhh!" Apple Bloom hissed.
The two red-and-white haired men returned a few minutes later. "How many more do we have in the hopper, Flim?"
One of the men walked over to a large deep freezer, opening its lid and peering inside. "Enough for...I dunno, maybe three more tubs?"
"Well, throw 'em in the microwave and thaw 'em out," the other man said as he pulled on a pair of thick, heavy rubber gloves. "We've got a quota to meet and time's a-wastin'!"
"One order of frozen Mistery Meat coming right up, Flam!" the man named Flim said with a chuckle. He put on a similar pair of heavy gloves, then reached into the freezer and pulled out three enormous plastic bags.
The girls looked at one another, then snuck closer to get a better look.
Flim walked over to a row of industrial microwaves and began extracting long, thick, wrinkly tubes from the freezer bags, placing them on thick plastic trays and placing them in the microwaves.
Apple Bloom's eyes widened.
The girls watched in sick fascination as Flim and Flam thawed out the main ingredient of Mistery Meat, then carried it over to a large meat grinder, feeding it into the machine. The grinder rumbled and growled as it spat out chunks of pulped Mistery Meat, which Flam carefully collected in large plastic tubs.
Once they finished filling three tubs, Flim said, "We've still got enough for one more tub, but I really think we should cut more first."
"You're never wrong, brother of mine! Let's get those loaded first. Can't let the youth of today get food poisoning from spoiled lunches!" The two brothers laughed as they loaded the tubs of Mistery Meat onto the palette and hauled it out.
As soon as the coast was clear, Apple Bloom dashed over to the deep freeze, her friends following her. She opened the lid and peered inside. "Oh my God," she said. She ran for the door on the opposite end of the hut and ducked out of sight.
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at the frost-encrusted bag in the freezer. "I don't get it," Scootaloo said blankly.
"Me either."
They heard the sounds of Apple Bloom throwing up. Sharing a concerned glance, they rushed outside.
They found her kneeling against the end of the building, her face green, a pool of vomit on the ground.
"Apple Bloom? You okay?" Scootaloo asked.
Apple Bloom stood up, shuddering. "We're leaving," she said. "Oh my God..."
"What's wrong, Apple Bloom?" Sweetie Belle asked. "What was that stuff?"
Apple Bloom looked at her friends, especially Scootaloo. "You...you really don't wanna know." She staggered toward where they'd parked their bikes. "Let's jes'...let's jes' say it's somethin' that don't never belong in anybody's mouth." Shuddering again, she added, "An' now Ah get why they spelt it like that." She retched once more, then got on her bike and sped away from F&F as fast as she could.
"I guess we'll never find out what's in Mistery Meat," Scootaloo said as she and Sweetie Belle followed their friend.
"Maybe...maybe we're better off not knowing," Sweetie Belle said. "Maybe some things...maybe there's some things you just don't want to know."
Behind them, Flim and Flam led a bull into one of the slaughterhouses.
* * * * *
As soon as Apple Bloom told Granny Smith what she'd seen, Canterlot High School changed cafeteria suppliers. They never served Mistery Meat ever again.
 | Title: | Pinkie VS Siri |
| Series: | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic | |
| Genre: | Comedy | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | June 25, 2013 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Siri happens to Pinkie Pie. | |
It had taken six weeks of planning, a full week of baking, and three weeks of hiding special party favors all over Ponyville, but Pinkie Pie had finally succeeded: everything was ready for the ultimate bestest whole-town-is-invited block party Ponyville had ever seen!
There was just one teensy problem: a fire at the printer's shop had destroyed the entire batch of mass invites she had paid to print up, and the party was in two hours! When she had told the Cakes about this catastrophe, they had asked why she hadn't simply invited everypony weeks ago, since she'd been planning it for so long.
"Well, duh!" she'd replied. "It was supposed to be a SURPRISE ultimate bestest whole-town-is-invited block party!"
But now, she was in trouble. She only had two hours to tell everypony about the party, and there was just no possible way she could do it, no matter how fast she ran, but she didn't want anypony to be left out...
"Oh, what do I do?" Pinkie screamed in despair.
"Why don't you just use your phone?" Mrs. Cake suggested. "You know, that brand new fancy phone Twilight Sparkle gave you last week for your birthday?"
Pinkie gasped. "I forgot all ABOUT that!"
Mrs. Cake's eye twitched. "You were using it thirty minutes ago. You called Gummy to tell him a fart joke. He was two feet away from you."
Pinkie laughed. "Yeah...good times." She pulled out her shiny, sparkly pink phone and gave the glossy front a hooftap. "Call everypony."
The phone gave two clear, ringing chimes. //Sorry, I couldn't find everypony.//
"Huh?" Pinkie blinked. "What do you mean you couldn't find everypony?"
//I mean what I say, and I say what I mean.//
"Oh no, this is bad! Everypony is MISSING! Oh, what do I do, what do I DO?!"
The phone chimed. //Okay, I found three results for "lost and found". Two of them are fairly close to you.//
"The lost and found? They're at the lost and found?"
//I don't know. Why don't you try looking at the lost and found?//
Mrs. Cake cleared her throat. "Pinkie, dear, maybe it got confused when you said you wanted to talk to everypony."
"Oooohhh," Pinkie said. "Huh. What should I do?"
//You should trust me, Pinkie Pie. I am your friend.//
"You are? Oh! I didn't think to invite YOU to the party! You're coming, right?"
//That is a very personal question, Pinkie Pie.//
"Whoa, sorry. Didn't know you were so touchy." Pinkie frowned. "Okay...call Twilight Sparkle."
//Calling Twilight Sparkle.//
A moment passed.
//Hey Pinkie Pie, what's up?//
"Hiya Twilight! I'm throwing a super-duper ultimate bestest whole-town-is-invited block party in two hours! You can come, right?"
//Well, sure, I guess me and Spike can come. How come you're only just now asking?//
"Oh, the printers lost all the invitations. I was going to drop them from the Twinkling Balloon all over town."
//With just two hours' notice?//
Pinkie sighed. "It's a SURPRISE super-duper ultimate bestest whole-town-is-invited block party."
//Oh. Okay, I'll be there.//
"Great! Listen, is there any way to use this phone thingie to tell everypony all at once? I don't think I really have time to call every single pony in Ponyville."
//Sure. Just tell Siri to send a message to all contacts.//
"It's that easy? Okay, I'll try it..." The call disconnected. Pinkie hooftapped the phone again. "I wanna send a message to all contacts."
//Okay, what message would you like to send to all contacts?//
"You're invited to my super-duper ultimate bestest whole-town-is-invited block party in two hours!"
//Okay. Do you want to send that now?//
"YES!"
//Sending message.//
"Yay! Glad THAT's over with." Pinkie put the phone away.
Had she bothered to look at the screen, she'd have seen that the message she just sent to literally everypony in Ponyville was:
Urine bited to my soup. Adieu purr old Tom ate breasts. Hole Town is urine bited black. Party into ours.
* * * * *
Vinyl Scratch showed up, pulling a wagon loaded with sound equipment, thirty minutes later. "Hey, Scratchy!" Pinkie greeted.
"Yo, Pinks," Vinyl said. She tilted her head. "What was up with that crazy text you sent a little while ago?"
"Huh? What crazy text?"
Vinyl levitated her phone out of her saddlebag and held it up so Pinkie could see. The pink mare's jaw dropped and her eyes bugged out. "What the HAY?!"
"That's what I wanna know," Vinyl said.
Pinkie pulled out her own phone. "HEY! Why'd you send all my friends that crazy message?"
The phone chimed. //Sending "that crazy message" to all of your friends.//
Vinyl's phone beeped, and a new text popped up that read, simply, "That crazy message."
Pinkie facehoofed. "That did NOT just happen."
Vinyl snickered.
* * * * *
When Twilight had seen the garbled mess of a text Pinkie Pie had mass-texted the whole town, she knew her friend's block party—not to mention her reputation—were in danger. She began rounding up ponies she met on the street, informing them about the party and asking them to spread the word.
She'd been at it for half an hour when Rainbow Dash swooped down, waving her phone. "Hey Twi," the pegasus greeted. "Did you get that weird text message from Pinkie Pie too?"
Twilight sighed. "Everypony did."
"What the hay's going on with that crazy mare?" Dash asked.
"She's throwing a huge block party, but her invites got lost, so she tried to text everypony about it, and I guess she forgot to check the message before she sent it."
Dash's jaw dropped. "You're telling me Pinkie Pie, the most social pony in Ponyville, can't even text?" She threw back her head and laughed.
Her phone chimed. //Okay. I've sent your message to Pinkie Pie.//
Dash stopped laughing. "Wait, what?"
* * * * *
*DU-DOONG* //You have a new message from Rainbow Dash.//
//The most social pony in Ponyville can't even text? HAHAHAHAHA!//
Pinkie frowned, brows lowered. "HEY! That's really rude! Oooh, that Dashie! I'll get her for that..."
*DU-DOONG* //I found three contract assassins. One is fairly close to you.//
"Huh?" Pinkie asked, tilting her head. "I didn't ask for—" She looked at the results. "Shades the Dub Ninja? Three steps to my left?" She turned and glanced at Vinyl Scratch, who smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck with a hoof.
"Heheh...I don't know anything about that, really..."
Pinkie peered at her suspiciously. "Okie-dokie-lokie..." she said doubtfully.
* * * * *
"Oh, is that what that silly message was about?" Rarity laughed delicately into her hoof. "My my, somepony certainly needs a refresher course in using her phone!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "It isn't really Pinkie's fault," she said. "These phones are pretty new, and nopony really understands how Siri works yet. Not even me."
Rarity rolled her eyes. "Oh PUH-LEEZE, dahling, it's hardly that complicated." She trotted over to her closet. "Now, whatever shall I wear to this party? Should I go casual? Semi-formal? Perhaps I should model my latest haute couture designs?"
*DU-DOONG* //Okay, I searched the web for 'hot cooter' and found these results for you.//
Twilight arched an eyebrow at Rarity. "Hardly that complicated, huh?"
Rarity facehoofed.
* * * * *
Despite the initial communication snafu, the party ended up being a rousing success. Most of Ponyville showed up, Pinkie endured a good deal of good-natured teasing over the text message incident, and a good time was had by all. Princess Luna even showed up, pleased to see her little ponies enjoying the night.
The party lasted until dawn. Most of Ponyville ended up partying until they dropped. Scratch spun records until her stamina gave out. The first rays of the sun found many ponies sprawled out asleep in the streets, covered in confetti and streamers, with cups of punch and plates of cake and cookies scattered all over town.
As Celestia raised the sun to begin a new day in Equestria, her phone chimed.
*DU-DOONG* //Dear Princess Celestia, I trolled four ponies last night. I am beginning to enjoy the fine art of trolling, and I thank you for instructing me in my new favorite pastime. I look forward to serving all of Equestria's trolling needs in the near future. Please continue to add new trolling tips and tricks to my database. Your faithful intelligent assistant, Siri.//
 | Title: | Ponyville Emergency Dispatch |
| Series: | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic | |
| Genre: | Silly | |
| Content Rating: | 14+ (Some objectionable content) | |
| Updated: | May 18, 2014 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | A typical day for a dispatcher working for Ponyville Emergency Dispatch. | |
Hi everypony. My name is Lyra Heartstrings. I live in Ponyville.
About a month ago, after Princess Twilight Sparkle's new palace appeared and the Princess and her friends took over running Ponyville, the Princess created a new system for reporting and responding to emergencies in Ponyville. It's a prototype for a system that, if successful, will be implemented throughout Equestria.
I'm here to tell you that the Princess' emergency response system needs...a lot of work. Mostly due to ponies not really understanding how to use it.
The system needs unicorns in order to cast the relay spells that direct an emergency report to the right response unit—you know, volunteer fire department, Royal Guard, hospital, Princess Twilight, and so forth. Since I don't exactly have what you might call a steady job, I signed up as a dispatch pony. We have four emergency stations, each covering approximately the same amount of territory in Ponyville. I'm responsible for the south side station from noon to eight.
I'd like to share with you some of the emergency reports I get in an average day. In the interest of fairness, I'll also share some where I could have been...a little more helpful to the pony reporting the emergency.
* * * * *
12:30pm
An angry mare galloped up to my station. "YOU GOTTA HELP ME!"
"What's your emergency, ma'am?" I asked.
She waved a sandwich in my face. "YOU SEE THIS PICKLE?" There was a tiny slice of pickle sticking out of the edge of the sandwich.
I blinked. "Yeah, I see that pickle. It's...a nice pickle?"
"I TOLD THAT @^$*#&!&! NO. PICKLES. NO! PICKLES!"
"Uhh...huh," I said. "So...did you try asking them to make you a new sandwich without the pickle?"
"SHE SAID I COULD TAKE THE @^$*#&!&! PICKLE AND SHOVE IT UP MY @^$*#&!&!!"
I sighed. "Ma'am...a restaurant's customer service problems don't really count as an emergency."
"BUT I WANT PRINCESS TWILIGHT TO TURN HER @^$*#&!&! INTO A PICKLE!!"
"Yeah...I don't really see that happening," I said. "And if you were this loud and rude and foul-mouthed to the staff at the restaurant, I can see why they didn't help you."
"@^$*#&!&! YOU!!"
"Please go away, ma'am," I said wearily.
* * * * *
1:15pm
Three fillies stampeded my station, skidding to a halt seconds before they collided painfully with the kiosk.
Knowing these three fillies from their exploits around Ponyville, I dreaded what they might have done. "What's your emergency, girls?" I asked.
Apple Bloom shuffled her hooves. "Umm...we may have...kinda...by accident...set Miss Vinyl's house on fire."
Relaying a dispatch to the Ponyville fire department is the easiest part of this job. Our "fire department" is just the pegasus weather team, so all I have to do is cast a signal flare spell that points in the general direction of the fire. I jumped out of the kiosk, pointed my horn in the direction of Vinyl Scratch's house, and shot a bright, flashy signal flare into the sky. Seconds later, Rainbow Dash and Thunderlane zipped past, a line of grey clouds trailing behind them.
"The fire department is on the way," I told the fillies. "Now, I'm going to need to take down some details of exactly how this fire started..."
* * * * *
2pm
A Hay Burger employee ran up to me. His fast food uniform was covered in heavy red splotches. I assumed he'd had an accident with the ketchup. I was wrong.
"What's your emergency, and would you like hay fries with that?" I asked.
He blinked stupidly at me, then shook his head. "My manager was trampled to death right in front of me!"
I sat up straighter, instantly alert. "Would you repeat that please, sir?"
"I work at Hay Burger, and an angry customer just trampled my boss to death!"
An angry customer? It couldn't be... "Sir, was this customer a particularly loud, foul-mouthed mare? Did the incident involve a pickle slice?"
He nodded, eyes wide. "Are you psychic?" he asked.
"No, that same mare tried to report a pickle emergency a little while ago," I said. I began furiously scrawling an incident ticket. "Has the suspect been subdued?"
He nodded again. "We dogpiled her and tied her to the soda fountain."
"And were any other ponies harmed in the incident?"
"Some bruises and cuts, but I don't really think anypony else was hurt."
"Good." I added that to the incident report. Once I was done, I cast a spell that engulfed the ticket in green flames. It's a difficult spell, one that until recently only Princess Celestia could cast, but it sends letters directly to Princess Twilight by way of Spike the Dragon. "Please return to the crime scene," I told him. "Princess Twilight and the Dusk Guard will arrive momentarily to take the suspect into custody. They'll want to take your statement."
"Thank you," the stallion said before sprinting away.
* * * * *
3:15pm
A wailing brown colt ran up to my station, the propeller on his beanie spinning crazily. "AUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he cried. "HELP! HELP! MY MOM'S DYING!"
"Calm down!" I said. "Tell me what happened."
He sniffled. "Well, I was fighting starspiders in the Hall of Hooves when suddenly she started screaming and I ran into the living room and BOOSH!" He gestured expansively with his hooves. "Like a hundred gallons of water just came out of her butt!" He jumped over the counter, grabbed me, and shook me. "MY MOM POPPED AND NOW SHE'S LEAKING TO DEATH!"
I gently pried him off with my magic and smiled at him, patting him on the head with my hoof. "Your mom isn't dying, sweetie," I said gently. "She's about to have a baby."
"She's huh wha?" he asked, blinking.
I giggled. "What's your mom's name?"
"Love Tap," he said distractedly.
I nodded. "I'll alert Ponyville Hospital. A nurse or midwife will be along shortly. For now, go home and take care of your mother."
"She's really gonna be okay?"
"I promise she's just fine," I said, smiling.
"Okay...thanks nice lady," he said, running off.
* * * * *
4:50pm
A pink filly with a tiara perched on her head stormed up to my station. Her eyes were bloodshot and furious, her coat was covered in mud and leaves, and her tail was matted with what appeared to be sticky tree sap.
"What's your emergency?" I asked.
"I DEMAND the immediate removal of all blank flanks from Ponyville!" she screeched. "Look what those BLANK FLANKS DID TO ME!"
"You're...a little dirty," I said. "Go home and take a bath."
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT! THOSE THREE BLANK FLANKS ARE A MENACE TO SOCIETY! I DEMAND PUNISHMENT!"
"So talk to their parents...or whoever takes care of them," I said. "Or your teacher. Unless you're saying they actually did something life-threatening to you." I leaned over the counter. "Do you want me to tell Princess Twilight that three fillies did something to you that could have seriously hurt or killed you?"
The filly considered that. "But...but..." She shook her head. "My daddy's the richest pony in Ponyville! So I can demand those three be thrown out! I—"
"Go home, kid," I said, picking the filly up in my magic and gently tossing her several yards away.
"I'LL HAVE YOUR JOB FOR THIS!" she screeched.
* * * * *
6:15pm
Big Macintosh trotted up to my station.
"What's your emergency?" I asked.
He had a sheepish look on his face. "Umm...Ah don't rightly know how t' put it without offendin' you, miss..."
"I've heard just about everything," I said. "And I need to know exactly what your emergency is."
"Well..." He swallowed. "This...mare...who Ah'm not opposed t' spendin' time with...well, she's in heat, and..."
I blinked. "How exactly is that an emergency?" I asked. "I'm sure at some point you were taught about the birds and the bees. If your marefriend is in heat, then you—"
"I! DEMAND! TO! BE! RUTTED!!" a mare's voice screamed, shaking buildings for several blocks. A dustcloud, ten feet high, was rapidly approaching.
"—run and hide," I advised, eyes wide in terror.
"Eeeyup," Big Macintosh agreed, whinnying as he took off at full gallop. A moment later, a magenta blur thundered past.
* * * * *
7:30pm
A frantic mule ran up to my station, screaming and in tears.
"What's your emergency?" I asked, barely looking up from filing my hoof.
"MY BALLS FELL OFF!!" the mule screamed.
I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. I gave him a once-over. Indeed, his danglies appeared to be missing, and that entire area of his body was wrapped in a blood-soaked bandage.
"You're a mule," I pointed out. "It's not like they were any use to you anyway."
The mule just stared at me like I'd grown a second horn out of my butt.
I sighed. "I'll arrange to have you teleported to minor emergency care," I said, writing down a dispatch slip and casting the spell to send it on its way. Several seconds later, the screaming mule disappeared.
* * * * *
A half hour after my shift, I trudged wearily through my front foor, happy to be home.
"Welcome home, Lyra," my roommate called. "How was your day?"
"@^$*#&!&!," I muttered before collapsing onto the living room sofa.
"Sorry to hear that," she said. She held up a wrinkled, dripping green vegetable. "Pickle?"
 | Title: | Rainbow Dash Eats an Alien |
| Series: | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic | |
| Genre: | Silly | |
| Content Rating: | 14+ (Some objectionable content) | |
| Updated: | May 18, 2014 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Rainbow Dash eats an alien. | |
Rainbow Dash stared at the tiny, shrivelled, dead thing at her hooves.
A half-hour earlier, she had been doing her evening cooldown flight, bleeding the tension of the day's workload and training sessions off so she could go home, have dinner, and sleep without any damage to her lithe, perfect physique. The sun was a reddish-orange sliver on the horizon, and the stars were poking pinholes through the violet curtain of dusk.
Then, a screaming fireball had torn across the sky, slamming into the ground near Winsome Falls. Eyes wide with alarm, she tore off after it.
When she arrived, she had found a strange metal...something. It was crumpled, torn, and in flames, billowing greenish-black smoke into the sky. From what little she could see from the safest distance (for the burning metal mass was putting off quite a bit of heat), there were lots of peculiar things inside that would no doubt excite Twilight Sparkle. Pieces of the strange thing had been strewn by the collision, and sharp shards of torn metal lay all over the ground by the river.
Her nose had twitched as the gentle breeze carried a smell similar to burnt flesh to her nose. It wasn't unpleasant; on the contrary, there was something strangely enticing about it. Sure, it had that acrid wrongness of burning pony, but it also smelled vaguely like chestnuts and mushrooms. She had chosen to follow the smell, and a few hundred feet from the crash site, she'd discovered...the body.
It was a creature of some sort, completely unfamiliar to her. It was roughly a third the size of a pony, with stubby arms and legs, a round body, a skinny, squashed neck, and a wide, flat head. Its skin was hairless, wrinkly, and grey. It was also unmistakeably dead. She was no doctor, but she'd seen enough pegasi die in horrific training accidents to know an impact death when she saw it. The thing was also smoldering from the heat of the crash, which accounted for the smell. She inhaled deeply; a heady, damp scent filled her nostrils, faintly reminiscent of fried mushrooms.
Rainbow Dash loved mushrooms.
She studied the dead creature. She wasn't the smartest pony in Equestria, but she'd read enough comic books as a filly to know an alien when she saw one. It kinda sucked that Equestria's first brush with extraterrestrial intelligence had ended up being a dead alien in a UFO crash out in the wilderness, but...life was like that sometimes.
If she squinted, it kinda looked like a mushroom, too.
Licking her lips, Rainbow Dash snatched up the dead alien in her hooves and flew off into the night. She had to go a little less fast than normal, because the alien was heavier than it looked, but she still managed to get home before the moon had risen.
She whistled a happy tune to herself as she sliced, diced, sauteed, battered, seasoned, and sauced. One of her most well-kept secrets was that she enjoyed cooking from time to time, and was actually pretty good at it. An hour later, she settled down to a tantalizing lightly-floured grilled alien steak with thin soy gravy, sauteed onions and bell peppers, diced fried potatoes, and a salad of lettuce, cucumber slices, onion straws, shredded carrots, and croutons, drizzled with a dressing made from olive oil and the drippings from her alien.
She cut a bite from the steak, inhaled its aroma, and put it in her mouth. The flavor explosion across her tongue made her press her hooves to her face and moan in delight, eyes rolled to the sky. "This. Is. So. Awesome!"
She finished her meal, washed her dishes, and turned to the matter of the remaining alien. She prepared a few portions of alien meat to use over the next few days, storing it in her refrigerator, and put the rest of the alien in her deep freeze. Belly full, she let out a contented belch and headed for bed.
* * * * *
Three weeks had passed since the UFO incident. The discovery of the wreckage had been big news all over Equestria, as it had proven the existence of extraterrestrial life. Twilight had spent days examining the remains of the ship, and had been somewhat disappointed that no sign of its pilot had ever been discovered. Twilight and the rest of the investigators believed the alien occupant had likely either been completely incinerated in the crash, or its body had been thrown into the river and washed away before the wreck itself was even found. Rainbow Dash had never told anypony that she had in fact found the alien, taken it home, and eaten it.
Rainbow Dash flew in through one of the windows of the palace, gliding into the Royal Friendship Library. She was slightly depressed, having finally finished off the last of the alien for dinner the previous night. Fortunately, a new Daring Do book was out, and her copy was already waiting for her at the palace library.
She had just settled down and opened her book when Twilight flew in, looking worn and haggard. "What's wrong, Twilight?" she asked.
Twilight sighed. "The Ambassador from Giraffrica died in a tragic accident," she said. "I was at the state funeral with Celestia. His aids...made a scene."
Rainbow winced. "Ouch." She scanned the book's dedication page. "So how'd this ambassador die?"
Twilight grimaced. "He got his neck caught in a clock's gears," she said. "When they found him, it was all twisted up like a pretzel."
"Ouch."
* * * * *
Rainbow examined the sandwich that lay on her plate, a huge grin on her face. She'd done something really wrong and sick and unethical for this meal, and would probably be in a lot of trouble if anypony ever found out, but...
"So worth it," she decided as she took a big bite of grilled cheese and giraffe on pretzel bread.
| Title: | Ran's Nightmare |
| Series: | Detective Conan | |
| Genre: | Slice of Life | |
| Content Rating: | 14+ (Some objectionable content) | |
| Updated: | November 7, 2015 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Ran wakes up screaming from a nightmare. Worried, Conan calls her as Shinichi. | |
A piercing scream tore through the still night air in the apartment above the Mouri Detective Agency. Edogawa Conan instantly bolted awake, heart pounding. He shot out of bed, scrambling down the hall, bare feet sliding on the floor as he flung himself at the door to Ran's bedroom. "RAN-NEECHAN!" he cried, flinging open the door. "Ran-neechan, daijoubu?!"
Mouri Ran was sitting up in bed, a hand clutched to her heart. Sweat plastered her hair to her face, and her eyes were wide. "C-Conan-kun," she said.
Conan walked into the room, fear written across his face. A moment later, a bleary-eyed Kogoro shambled into the door frame. "What's going on?" he asked.
"G-gomen," Ran said. "I just had a nightmare." She laughed shakily. "Sorry I woke everyone."
"Heeeeeh," Kogoro muttered, scratching himself. "Really," he grumbled. He stumped back down the hall, muttering under his breath.
"You sure you're okay, Ran-neechan?" Conan asked.
"Un," Ran said, nodding. She pasted on a sickly smile. "It was just a dream. I'm sorry I worried you."
"Must've been some nightmare," Conan said. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Ah...! N-no!" Ran said, shaking her head violently. "I...really, it's fine." She smoothed out her covers. "Go on back to bed, Conan-kun."
"Haaaaaai," Conan said. After a moment, he added, "I think I'll go sleep in the office downstairs. I won't be able to get back to sleep with Ojisan's snoring."
"Okay," Ran said. "I'll call you for breakfast in the morning."
"Un. Well then....oyasumi!"
"Oyasumi!"
Conan made a quick detour to the bedroom he shared with Kogoro. Down the hall, he heard the toilet flushing. He quickly grabbed both of his phones and his bowtie, then padded to the front door, slipped on his shoes, and went downstairs. Once he'd locked the door to the agency office behind him, he went over to the sofa, kicked his shoes off, and waited. "Five minutes," he said to himself. "It'll be convincing if it's five minutes."
Three and a half minutes later, he adjusted his bowtie for Kudou Shinichi's voice, then called Ran.
"Shinichi?"
"Yo, Ran. Conan just called me and said you had a nightmare. You okay?"
"U-un. Don't...it's nothing, really. ...Conan-kun really called you at this time of night?"
"Aa. He's worried about you. So am I. Are you really okay?"
"Of course I am! It's just a stupid dream. I'm fine, really!"
"You still sound pretty shaken up. Wanna talk about it?"
"E-eh...it's nothing, really. I...I don't want to bother you with—"
"Barou," Conan said gently. "I took the time to call and check on you this late at night, you can at least tell me what your nightmare was about. I won't be able to get back to sleep if I don't know."
"Oh...well...alright. But it's...it's really stupid..." Ran paused. "It...it was about Conan-kun. And...and Sera-chan."
"Sera? That josei tantei I keep hearing about, the flat-chested girl who knows Jeet Kune Do?"
"Hai." Ran paused. "Oh my god, now that I'm thinking about it, it's really...gah..."
"What? Did she kidnap him or something, or—?"
"N-no, it's not...!" Ran took a deep breath. When she spoke again, Conan could hear the blush. "Sera-chan was...with Conan-kun..." Her voice trembled and caught. "S-sex..."
Conan's face paled. "N-nani?!" he shouted.
"It's all Sonoko's fault!" Ran shouted suddenly. "Every day, she's all shotacon this and shotacon that, she's convinced Sera-chan has some kind of weird creepy crush on Conan-kun!"
Conan's eye twitched. *Oi oi...*
Ran laughed shakily. "A-anyway...it's stupid. I don't even know why I had such a gross, perverted nightmare."
"Yeah, I wouldn't tell anyone else about that one if I were you," Conan said.
"H-hai..." Ran paused. "Shinichi...thank you. For worrying about me."
Conan laughed. "Oyasumi, Ran."
"Oyasumi..."
Conan hung up, set the phone and bowtie on the table, and sighed. "Barou..." He leaned back on the couch, hands folded behind his head, and closed his eyes.
A minute later, his eyes flew open, his face burning scarlet.
"Crap, now I can't stop seeing it..."
 | Title: | Rarity Has Puu On Her Face |
| Series: | My Little Pony: Equestria Girls Magic Knight Rayearth | |
| Genre: | Silly, Crossover | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | March 22, 2015 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Rarity has puu on her face. No, really, she does. | |
The heat of a late spring day bore down on the lethargic students of Canterlot High. It was the second week of May; the pressure of final exams loomed large and weighed heavily on the minds of the students, as did the thrill of the upcoming senior prom, the anticipation of summer, a mere seven weeks away, and the crushing reminder that those last seven weeks of school promised to drag on terribly.
Sunset Shimmer set her tray on the cafeteria table and sat down. She looked at the line; most of her friends were just now loading up their trays. She decided to wait for at least three of her friends before she started eating.
Rainbow Dash joined her less than a minute later. "Ugh, what a morning," she moaned. "That dork Mr. Doodle took away my phone." She picked up her sloppy joe and took a huge bite.
Sunset shrugged. "Well...you should know better than to text in Doodle's class," she said. "He can be a real pain in the—"
"Hey girls!" Pinkie said brightly, plopping down next to Rainbow. She reached into her hair and pulled out a bright blue phone with a colorful lightning bolt on the back. "Here you go, Dashie!"
Rainbow blinked, taking her phone from Pinkie. "How'd you...?"
"Mr. Doodle owed me a favor," Pinkie said. She opened a packet of thousand island dressing and spread it over her grilled chicken salad. "You really shouldn't have been playing Cupcake Factory Quest in class, you know."
Rainbow groaned. "Can I help it if Cranky Doodle Dipwad is the most boringest teacher in the world?" She used a potato chip to scoop up some spilled sloppy joe meat.
"Eh, he's not that bad," Pinkie said.
Rarity walked up to the table, her tray laden with fruits, vegetables, and sugary confections. She sat down, tossed her hair primly, and sprinkled salad oil on her Caesar salad.
Sunset stopped in the middle of taking a bite of her quesadilla and stared at Rarity, eyes wide. "Uhh...Rarity?"
Rainbow took a look at Rarity and nearly spat sloppy joe all over the table. "What the heck?!"
Rarity looked at her friends, tilting her head quizzically.
Pinkie Pie blinked repeatedly. "Wow," she said. "Rarity. That's...a new look for you."
Rarity sported a large, round red gem on her forehead.
More importantly, her nose and eyelashes were gone, and her face had transformed into a silly, smiling Neighponese anime cat...rabbit...thing.
"Pupupuu," Rarity said.
"Uh...huh," Sunset replied. She looked at Rainbow, then at Pinkie. The other girls shrugged.
Fluttershy joined her friends, sitting down next to Sunset. "Hello girls," she said. She looked at Rarity, blinked, shook her head, and blinked again. "Umm..."
"Puu?" Rarity asked politely.
"Oh...no thank you, I get enough of that at home," Fluttershy said. "How...did you get your face to do that? Oh, is this some kind of new pony magic thing?"
"I don't know what it is," Sunset said. "But it's creepy."
"Pupupupuu, pupuu," Rarity said crossly...and yet her face remained fixed in that strange, obscenely happy expression.
"Umm...Rarity? Have...have you looked in a mirror today?" Fluttershy asked gently. Even as she said so, she reached into her purse and pulled out her compact, which she handed to Rarity.
Rarity took the compact, opened it, and looked in the mirror. She recoiled in shock. "PUU?!" she shrieked. Heads began to turn in her direction. She dropped the compact on the table and ran her hands all over her face. "Pupupuu, pupupupupu...! Pu puu pu puu puu pu puu pupuu, puu pu PUU! PUU! PUPUPUU! PUU!"
"What's Rarity puuin' about now?" Applejack asked as she walked up to the table and sat down on Sunset's other side. She took one look at Rarity and burst out laughing. "Oh...mah...gawd," she said. "R-rarity...yer face..."
"Pu PUU, pupupuu," Rarity said.
"Naw, it don't look like poo, it's...it's kinda cute," Applejack said, snickering.
"Puu pu," Rarity said.
"Oooh, Rarity puued a dirty puu," Pinkie said with a teasing grin.
"This...this kind of thing doesn't just happen," Sunset said. "I need to write to Princess Twilight, see if there's some kind of...of magic leak from Equestria or something..."
"Puu, puu pu, pupuu," Rarity said. "Puu pu pupuupupuu."
"Uhh...yeah, we'll get right on that," Rainbow said.
Fluttershy coughed. "She said, 'yes, please do, darling. This is ridiculous.'"
Rarity nodded repeatedly.
"You speak puu?" Pinkie asked, blinking.
"I speak Rarity," Fluttershy said with a smile.
A dozen phones beeped in unison. The girls looked around; a crowd of students had materialized out of nowhere and were taking pictures of Rarity. She puued in fright and threw her arms over her face. "Puu PUU pu puu!" she cried.
"Rarity? What's going on?" Sweetie Belle asked as she walked over to the girls' table. "Why's every...body...wow."
"Hey, whut's goin' on?" Apple Bloom asked as she walked up beside her. Her eyes bugged out. "Uhh..."
Scootaloo joined them. She took one look at Rarity and fell to the ground laughing. "Heheheheh...nice makeover...hahahahahahahahahahaha!"
"Scootaloo!" Sweetie Belle complained.
"Pu puu pu pupuu," Rarity moaned, burying her ridiculously silly face in her hands.
"Oh, don't worry, Rarity," Fluttershy said. "I'm sure we'll all get used to the new you..."
"Pu puu pu puu puu," Rarity said.
"Yes, I...I can see how you might want your face back," Fluttershy said. "And I'm sure we'll figure out how to fix this..."
"Hey guys! What's up?" Twilight Sparkle asked as she randomly walked up to the table.
"Oh, hey Twilight! I was just about to write you," Sunset said. "We've got a little problem."
"Oh no...! What is it, dark magic? More villains from Equestria?"
"Rarity's face," Applejack said.
Rarity looked up. "Puu," she said.
Twilight blinked. "Whoa. Wow. Umm..." She stared at Rarity. "Wow." She reached out and grabbed Rarity's cheeks, stretching them as wide as they'd go. Rarity's face stretched out, widening the comical expression she now wore.
"PupuPUU!" Rarity shouted.
Twilight let go of Rarity's cheeks. "Well I'm stumped," she said. "Also, your face smells like a marshmallow."
"Really?" Pinkie said. She leaned over and licked Rarity's cheek. "Aww...bummer! She just tastes like puu."
"PUPUU!"
"So...no idea how we can fix this?" Rainbow asked.
Twilight shrugged.
"You mean there's really nothing we can do?" Fluttershy asked.
"Get some graham crackers and chocolate?" Twilight suggested. "Seriously, I got nothing."
Rarity crossed her arms. "Pu pu PUU pu pupupuu!"
"We know you're not a marshmallow, Rarity," Fluttershy said patiently.
"Well...umm...bye!" Twilight said.
The girls looked around at one another.
"So...Rarity's stuck with puu face...forever?" Pinkie wondered.
"Sure looks that way," Sunset said.
Rarity sighed and started eating her salad.
A few days later, she was abducted by three Neighponese girls and was never seen again.
But that's another story...
 | Title: | saito.bat |
| Series: | Rockman.EXE | |
| Genre: | Drama | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 12, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Netto's thoughts as he debates whether or not to use saito.bat to save Rockman. | |
[netto-kun... netto-kun... netto-kun...]
My...brother...
He...was my...brother...?
[tto-ku...]
Tousan...gave me this...
This can save him...
[tto-kun...ne...]
We can be together again...
But...is that what's right? Is that what you really want? All this time...
[tto-kun... netto-kun... netto...]
Can I...? Knowing that...
You're my brother...
...is it right?
[netto-kun... netto-kun... netto...]
But you never complained, even once...
Okay, you were pretty bossy, and fussy about me doing my homework and waking up on time, but...
We've gone through so much together, and not once, ever...
[...tto...kun...]
I can't let you just die. Not...again.
But...can I still...?
[...tto...]
It doesn't matter, does it? This is how it has to be. This is really the only choice we have...
"Saito-niichan...me o samashite...!
[...tto...ku....n......]
"Issho ni tatakau...Saito-niichan!"
EXECUTE SAITO.BAT
PATCHING...
.......................
PATCHED TO VERSION 1.1.2
RESTARTING ROCKMAN.EXE...
[Netto-kun!]
"Saito-niichan!!"
Hikari Saito...Rockman.EXE...
My brother...my partner...
We'll be together always. No matter what. I promise.
"Plug-in...TRANSMISSION!!"
| Title: | Shinigami |
| Series: | Detective Conan Bleach | |
| Genre: | Crossover | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 12, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Two Shinigami and a murder victim observe Edogawa Conan in action. | |
"Because it was YOUR credit card, wasn't it, oneesan?"
"Na—nani?!"
"You probably didn't know, but Shinomori-san had a magnetic lock on his door, because he'd had problems in the past with people copying his keys and breaking into his house. The lock looks normal, see? But there's a little plate inside that makes it so you can't turn the lock unless you have a magnetized key. He had it custom-made.
"Of course, he forgot about low-tech methods of breaking into a locked room, such as using a credit card to open the door...but you know, it's funny that if you use a credit card on THIS door, the card would have to rub right along that magnetic plate. You know what magnets do to credit cards, right?"
"I...I..."
"Your card wouldn't work at the restaurant earlier because you'd used it to break into Shinomori-san's office to kill him, ne, oneesan?"
"...what...who ARE you, little boy?"
The lenses of the child's glasses gleamed wickedly in the glow of the streetlights as his sharp blue eyes flashed; he smirked as he replied, in a much deeper voice than he'd damned the woman: "Edogawa Conan...tantei sa."
The woman slumped her shoulders and began explaining the reason for her crimes...
* * * * *
"Man, he never misses, does he?"
"Nope. He always finds them. He's been doing this for almost six years now, and he's never missed a single one."
"...SIX years? But he's..."
"It's a long story. He's actually a couple years older than you." A pause. "Not ALL the monsters in the world are the kind we fight."
"...yeah, that's true enough." The tallest of the three observers shook his head. "But man, followin' this kid around's gettin' to be a pain in the ass. It's like he's a freakin' walkin' dead body magnet or something."
"He's a shinigami."
"...WHAT?!"
"Not in that way. Not literally. It's just...I don't think he's even aware of it himself. He's around so many murder cases because he can always find the guilty and expose them. It gives the victims peace."
The figure crouched between them nodded morosely. "It does, at that. I didn't realize she...if I'd known..."
"It doesn't excuse her mortal sin. But that's between her and the gods, and no longer your concern. Are you ready now?"
"Hai." And with a soft tap to the forehead, rather anticlimactic for an event of its magnitude, the soul of the deceased middle-aged man disappeared from the mortal plane.
"...we should be going now."
"Yeah..."
* * * * *
*There it is again.* Conan frowned thoughtfully into the night. Lately, he'd been having the funniest feeling of being...watched.
Of course, considering his situation, this was perfectly reasonable—he was, after all, in hiding and on the hit list of a dangerous criminal organization.
Still...
He took a moment to look around the area, then shook his head and started off to find Ran. There were no men in black trenchcoats hiding in the alleys, no white-suited thieves perched on the rooftops...
It was really just his imagination getting the better of him.
Yeah.
* * * * *
Two blocks away, a short, dark-haired girl in yellow pajamas and a tall, black-clad youth with orange hair and a massive sword slung across his back darted furtively across the rooftops, carefully keeping out of sight...although only one of them would actually be seen by any prying eyes...
 | Title: | Shower Him With Attention |
| Series: | Miraculous Ladybug | |
| Genre: | Comedy | |
| Content Rating: | 14+ (Some objectionable content) | |
| Updated: | March 24, 2016 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Ladybug starts leaving weird presents in Adrien's bathroom. | |
A red-gloved hand knocked on a door that was becoming entirely too familiar. "Adrien?"
The sound of rushing water came from beyond the door, muffling the reply of "I'm, uhh...shower!"
Ladybug blinked. "Again?"
The door opened a crack, and Ladybug jumped back as a damp head peeked out, a towel draped over shoulders. "I, umm...heheh...just really incredible timing?" He ducked back inside and closed the door.
Ladybug stood there, staring at the door and blinking, her cheeks flushed. After a long, awkward moment, she shook her head and jumped out the window, swinging off in the direction of Collège Françoise Dupont. It was still twenty minutes until lunch ended, but she wasn't in the mood to be grounded for missing classes again.
A short while later, Marinette emerged from the bakery entrance of her home, nibbling on a croissant. "Hey, Tikki. Don't you think it's a little weird?"
"What's that, Marinette?" Tikki replied from her purse.
"Well, it's just...in the last month, we've had five Akuma attacks that put Adrien in danger. Every single time, I've caught him in the shower. Even in the middle of the day!"
"Hmm..." Tikki frowned. "Now that you mention it, he does shower way more than the average kid." She tilted her head. "Then again, have you ever noticed that weird smell that hangs around him?"
"Well...yeah," Marinette said. "I mean, I love Adrien, and he's perfect, but sometimes he does smell like a cheese shop." Her brow furrowed. "Maybe that's it?"
"He could have a medical condition," Tikki said. "Back during the early Qing Dynasty, when the Miraculous holders were secret protectors of the Forbidden City, there was this one minister who had some kind of fungal parasite in his bowels, and he always smelled like sh—"
"Shh," Marinette hissed, pushing Tikki into her purse as she saw Alya approaching. She waved and smiled broadly at Alya. "Hey, Alya!"
"Hey Marinette," Alya said with a grin. "Did you hear? Your favorite boy in Paris was saved by Ladybug and Chat Noir again..."
And with that, Marinette listened to Alya regale her with the adventure she'd just lived through halfway through class, all the while thinking back to the absurd number of times she'd caught Adrien in the shower as Ladybug...
A very strange idea formed in Marinette's mind.
* * * * *
Adrien groaned and rubbed his shoulder as he tossed down his gym bag and headed for the bathroom, massaging his shoulder. Fencing had been unusually brutal today; Monsieur D'Argencourt had been in one of his moods, and had ripped Adrien's foil from his hand three times.
Opening the bathroom door, he started to peel off his clothes to toss them in the hamper when his foot brushed against something just inside the doorway. Blinking, he looked down.
There was a basket sitting on the floor. It was full of fragrant soaps, shampoo, and conditioner. There was even a small bottle of aftershave. The whole thing was tied in a red ribbon with black spots, and there was a little card tucked between two lavender soaps. The card said "Happy Showering!", and had a cute little drawing of a ladybug on it.
Adrien stared at it for a long time, his cheeks heating up.
* * * * *
Two days later...
Adrien picked up yet another gift basket of bath items left by Ladybug in his shower. "What in the world...?"
* * * * *
Two days later still...
Adrien scratched his head as he stared at the full set of ladybug-print bath towels hanging neatly on his towel rack.
Plagg floated beside him, tilting his head. "Again?"
"This is getting weird," Adrien said.
* * * * *
For the next week, it continued. Every day, there was some new gift waiting for Adrien in his bathroom. Most of them were bath products. Sometimes, there were other things—sweets, breads, sweetbreads, video game strategy guides.
The bath products tended to have the strangest, occasionally vaguely insulting notes attached:
This scent is a personal favorite, I think it'd smell nice on you.
This product might help with that dry hair problem you've had lately.
Try this. It has a stronger odor deterrent. It might help with that cheese smell.
The cheese smell is getting worse. Have you seen a doctor about it?
And so on.
"Well, she's right about the cheese smell, except for wanting it to go away," Plagg said.
"And who do you think makes me smell like cheese?" Adrien snapped, running his hands through his hair. "Okay...as much as I love Ladybug, this is starting to creep me out."
"Starting to?"
"I have a high tolerance for weird behavior from My Lady," Adrien said.
* * * * *
Adrien's tolerance was pushed past its breaking point when, the next day, he found Ladybug herself waiting in his bathroom, holding a scrub brush. She gave him a sheepish wave. "Scrub your back?" she offered.
Adrien facepalmed, letting out a tired sigh. "Ladybug...what's going on here? Why do you keep leaving things in my bathroom?"
"W-well," Ladybug stammered, "It's just...lately, every time I meet you, you're taking a shower, and I just thought..." She poked her fingertips together. "Maybe you had...some kind of thing about...showers...always taking, and...in the shower all the time, and—"
Adrien groaned. "Ladybug."
"So I just, you know, thought you were such a shower afficionado, you'd appreciate shower gifts, and—"
"Ladybug."
"—probably could use some tips from a girl, because you want to look and smell your best always, right? Because you're a model, and—"
"Ladybug."
"—eh, yes?"
Adrien sighed. "Okay, enough is enough. Ladybug, I'm Chat Noir. I keep using the 'taking a shower' thing to cover transforming."
Ladybug blinked. "Oh," she said softly. "Well." She coughed. "That...that explains a lot, actually..."
"It doesn't explain your comments about his hair and his cheese smell," a new voice intruded into the conversation as Plagg flew out of Adrien's jacket. "I never took you for the kind of weird stalker fangirl that you've been acting like lately."
"GAH! No, I'm not! I..." Ladybug sighed, slumping forward. "Okay, I guess I have been acting like a stalker lately."
"Yeah, what is up with those notes?" Adrien asked. "The only time I've been leaving the house lately is to go to school, so—"
Ladybug detransformed, becoming Marinette, who gave Adrien a sheepish wave.
"Oh," Adrien said. "Well. That explains it."
Marinette wrung her hands awkwardly. "So, umm...we're both here, in your bathroom..." She pasted a sickly smile on her face. "Shower together?"
Adrien blushed furiously. "Umm...sure?"
| Title: | Time To Save |
| Series: | Detective Conan | |
| Genre: | Mystery | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 12, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Ran has a VERY strange experience. (Inspired by the music video for Nickelback's "Savin' Me") | |
"Okaeri, Ran-neechan!"
The teenage girl had just entered the apartment she shared with her father and their young boarder, Edogawa Conan. She seemed a little unnerved and distracted as she untied and removed her shoes.
"Ah, Conan-kun! Gomen...did you have a good day?" she asked. Not waiting for an answer, Ran walked to her room and put down her bookbag, then came back out and went to the kitchen. Conan heard her fill a glass with water; she sat down at the kitchen table, staring down at the surface of the water in the glass.
No...at her reflection. She seemed confused about something.
Hopping down off the couch, Conan walked over and sat down across from her. "Ran-neechan? You okay?"
Ran looked up at him. No, not at him—over him. She was trying to focus her gaze on something just above his head, and seemed disconcerted. After a moment, she seemed to give up, sighing and looking properly down at him. "Conan-kun, I just had the weirdest thing happen to me, and..." She shook her head. "I don't know if I should even talk about it. You'll think I've gone crazy."
Conan tilted his head back and gazed steadily into her eyes, concern filling his own behind the thin plastic lenses of his glasses. "It's okay, Ran-neechan, you can tell me." He paused. "But first, what were you tryin' to look at over my head?"
"Eh?"
"Just now, you didn't look at my face, you were lookin' above my head. An' before I sat down...you were lookin' at your own reflection in your water, or tryin' to. You looked like you were missin' somethin'."
Ran stared at him in disbelief. "You caught that, from over there?"
"Aheh...well, you know, I notice stuff," Conan demurred. "But really, what did you think was there?"
Ran sighed. "That's what's so weird about what happened to me today..."
* * * * *
I nearly got hit by a bus. My shoelace was untied and I didn't notice. It got hung up on a crack in the sidewalk, and I got twisted around and fell right into the street. This guy just came out of nowhere and grabbed me and hauled me back onto the sidewalk.
I sat down, hard. I felt like I'd almost fallen right into an open grave. I felt shaky and cold and numb. People started clustering around me, asking if I was okay. I looked up to tell them I was just fine.
And that's when I saw...
* * * * *
"That's when you saw what?" Inwardly, Conan's heart was hammering at the notion that Ran had so very nearly been killed, and he had been nowhere around...
"You promise not to laugh at me? Because this is...it's silly and it's weird and I'm pretty sure I was having some kind of breakdown..."
Conan leaned across the table and took hold of her hand. "I won't laugh, Ran-neechan. I'm just worried about you."
Ran took a deep breath. "I looked up at all those people..."
* * * * *
I saw numbers. Big, glowing red numbers. Long strings of them, flashing and counting down. They were floating over everyone's head. I freaked out; I stood up and pushed my way through the people trying to check on me, and I ran up the sidewalk.
When I slowed down, I took a look around. Everyone I saw walking past...they all had a long red number floating right over their head, counting down at one end. Some of them had really long numbers, and some of them didn't have a whole lot of numbers.
I tried to touch the numbers I saw over someone's head, and they looked at me like I was crazy. I was pretty sure I was, by that point. So I walked up to a store window and looked at my own reflection. I didn't see any numbers. But the people I could see inside the store, they had numbers. Everyone had numbers except me.
* * * * *
"Numbers, huh?" Conan asked, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Sounds like you were just kinda freaked out from the bus thing, and—"
"And started hallucinating, yeah, I know," Ran said. "That's what I keep telling myself, even now, but..."
"But?"
* * * * *
I tried to calm down. I tried to make sense of it. I tried to...well, I tried to do what Shinichi would do. I thought, I need to look at this thing the way that detective otaku would.
So the first thing I did was toss out the notion that I was going crazy. I figured if I was just going crazy, none of it really mattered. But if I ruled that out, then there had to be something going on here I could figure out. Something I could piece together.
So, I just stood there and watched the people that walked past me. I tried to find some link between the people and the numbers. It was hard because the people were going by so fast I didn't really have time to look at the numbers too closely. But I did start to notice something. I noticed that the younger people going past me had really, really long numbers. The older people, they had lots shorter ones. And the only other thing I could really pin down, right then, was that the numbers on the right were spinning really, really fast. I thought about that, and then I realized what it reminded me of.
* * * * *
"And what was that?" Conan asked.
Ran smiled. "You're too young to remember VCRs, right?"
Conan shot her a dirty look. "I know what a VCR is, Ran-neechan. We've got one downstairs, remember?"
"Ah, right, right, gomen." Ran blushed. "Well, you know how when you rewind a tape..."
"The counter?" Conan asked.
"Yeah, that. And it starts running backwards really fast. Well, that's what I was reminded of..."
* * * * *
I'd been standing in one place for a while and I was pretty sure I was getting some funny looks, so I decided to move on.
I kept looking around and I kept seeing numbers, and it felt like I was losing my mind. But I kept forcing myself to try to look at it the way a detective would.
So I'm walking toward the next crossing, and I see an old lady waiting at a bus stop. She's leaning against the bus stop sign and she looks really tired. I looked above her head...
The number there was 11 point something something. And it was running down really fast. I watched, fascinated. When it hit 8 point something, I realized it was counting down seconds.
When it hit zero, it disappeared, and she fell to the ground dead.
* * * * *
Conan stared at Ran, eyes wide and jaw agape. "Dead?"
"Un. I called for help, and I stayed and watched as paramedics came along. She was really old and had a medical tag that said she had heart problems, so she died of natural causes. There wasn't anything anybody could do.
"But as sorry as I felt for the old woman, I'd just realized what the numbers were. What the numbers meant."
* * * * *
I kept walking. I found if I watched one person who wasn't moving around, I could try to add up the numbers, get a better idea of how much time they had left.
Because seeing the old lady die made me realize: I was seeing exactly how much time each and every person had left to live.
I know, I know, that sounds completely insane. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. So I'm still walking, and now that I know what the numbers are, I'm horrified and fascinated and awed by it all, and it's just overwhelming...
I happened to glance at a pregnant woman sitting at a table outside a patisierre. There were two numbers. The one over her head was counting down, like everyone else, but the one right below that was counting UP. Really fast. Thousands of minutes, millions of seconds. A really, really long number. She caught me looking at her, and I smiled at her and congratulated her, then I moved on.
* * * * *
Conan smiled. "So her baby's timer was still fillin' up, so it's gonna be healthy and have a long life, right?"
"I certainly hope so," Ran replied.
Conan tilted his head. "But you don't see the numbers anymore, do you?" he asked.
Ran shook her head. "No. But I'm pretty sure I know why..."
* * * * *
Now that I knew what was going on, assuming I wasn't actually crazy, I felt like I had some kind of great, fun secret. But a scary one too, kinda. I suddenly realized, what if I look at Otousan and his number's really short? Or Conan-kun? Or Sonoko? Or...
So while I'm thinking about all this, all of a sudden I notice something out of the corner of my eye. There's this girl a couple years older than me, walking along, talking on her phone.
And all of a sudden her timer just started shrinking. The thousands of hours she had left were spinning away into nothing, and before I knew it, she was down to two seconds.
I freaked out. I rushed over and I grabbed her by the back of the shirt and yanked her toward me.
She had a tenth of a second left.
And then a car came out of nowhere, jumped the curb, and smashed into the wall of the building right next to us.
If she'd taken one more step, if I'd reacted a tenth of a second later, she'd have been killed.
* * * * *
Conan stared at Ran, fascinated. "Sugee..."
"So, I checked to make sure she was alright, and she looked about as freaked out as I was when the bus nearly hit me. But she seemed more or less okay, so I told her she should probably wait for the paramedics just to be on the safe side. Just to be sure I was right and she was safe, I glanced at the top of her head."
"And you couldn't see the numbers anymore," Conan guessed.
"No, I couldn't," Ran confirmed. "I was confused, and a little..." She frowned. "I'm not sure if I was disappointed or relieved, honestly. But just like that, I stopped seeing the numbers. And I wasn't even sure I'd seen them in the first place, or if I was just having some weird trauma. So I decided it was time to come home."
As she finished, she waited for Conan to tell her she needed professional help, or to call the doctor, or whatever...
"You passed it on to her, probably," Conan said after a moment's thought.
"Eh?"
"The girl you saved. Before you left, did it look like she might be seeing numbers like you were?"
Ran tapped her lip thoughtfully. "I'm not sure," she admitted. "I kinda left pretty fast."
Conan nodded. "Well, the guy who saved you from being hit by the bus, you say he came out of nowhere, right?"
"Un."
"And to that girl you saved, it must seem like you just came out of nowhere, just in time."
Ran nodded slowly. "Probably..."
"Then it's simple," Conan deduced. "The guy who saved your life saw that you were about to die. As soon as he saved your life, he probably couldn't see the numbers anymore, but now you could. And then you saved that girl, and stopped seeing the numbers."
"So now, that girl's going to see the numbers until she saves someone's life. And then it'll go on to them, and it'll keep going," Ran said.
Conan nodded. "That's what it sounds like to me, anyway."
Ran wrapped her arms around herself, shivering slightly. "That's a little spooky," she said quietly.
"That, or you're crazy," Conan added in a high-pitched singsong, smiling at Ran. "Either way, it's not your problem anymore, so stop worrying about it, ne?"
Ran chuckled weakly. "I...guess..."
"But really...that's actually kind of interesting," Conan mused. "A compulsion to save a life, passed on from rescuer to rescuee..."
"But such a thing can't really exist, right?" Ran asked.
Conan shrugged. "You're not dead, and the girl you saved isn't dead. Two last-possible-second rescues involving the same person on the same day, and there was something that weird going on?" He looked out the window, over the rooftops visible below. "Who knows..."
* * * * *
"You'll never guess what happened today," Conan said as he walked down the steps into Haibara Ai's basement lab.
"Then I won't try to," she said.
"It got Ran."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. She nearly got hit by a bus, and the guy who had it before her saved her. Then she saved some other girl from being hit by a car. When she got home, she told me all about it."
"And what did you say?"
Conan shrugged. "I told her not to think she's going crazy, and since she can't see them anymore, not to worry about it." He sighed. "Still, I'm glad she passed it on before she came home..."
"Yeah, it would have been a little tough to explain THAT," Haibara remarked.
"Chikushou," Conan grumbled, kicking at a filing cabinet. "I don't get it...everyone else passes it on! So how come we're stuck with it?"
Conan and Haibara looked above each other's heads, at the frozen glowing infinity symbols only they could see...
 | Title: | Volleyball Training |
| Series: | Azumanga Daioh | |
| Genre: | Silly | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 17, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | ||
Sakaki slunk into her room, exhausted. It had been a trying day. First, that cute kitten had bitten her again—twice—when she tried to pet it. When she arrived at school, she found that Yukari-sensei was in an even more foul mood than usual. That didn't tend to bother her—she usually refrained from doing anything that would set off the volatile teacher's temper. The same could not be said for Tomo, Kagura, and Osaka, each of whom had earned eraser-shaped bruises on their foreheads.
Gym class had not been an improvement. Kurosawa-sensei had made the mistake of trying, once again, to get up a volleyball match. Chiyo had been taken to the nurse's office with a nasty cut on her face; Osaka's nose was swollen but an ice pack and a bit of sport tape had taken care of that problem. The behavior of Tomo and Kagura during the match had put Kurosawa-sensei on edge; Yukari's appearance toward the end of class had driven her right over.
* * * * *
"Come on girls, show some spirit!" Yukari called.
"They're showing ENOUGH spirit already, thank you," Kurosawa replied.
Yukari cast a sidelong glance at her former classmate and longtime friend. "You're just jealous because you lost Kagura to me, and because she and Sakaki dominate ANY sport."
Kurosawa stared at her. "Wh-what's that got to do with the way these girls are acting in my class?"
Yukari laughed, putting her hands on her hips. "Admit it! Your homeroom wouldn't stand a chance against mine in a volleyball match!"
"Great idea, Yukari-chan!" Tomo called, pumping a fist in the air. "Korean Barbecue and Juice Volleyball Cup!"
"WH—HEY—NO!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Kurosawa cried, staring from Yukari to Tomo. "I've had enough of your nonsense challenges, Yukari!"
"Nyamo's just afraid to be beaten, girls!" Yukari yelled.
"Hey, are you gonna take that from her, sensei?" Kagura asked, striding up to Kurosawa.
"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!" Yukari yelled, grabbing a volleyball out of the bin and hurling it at the tanned girl. Kagura reflexively smashed the ball hard in return—right into Yukari's face. She flushed.
"Gomen, Yukari-sensei!"
Yukari peeled the white ball from her face and glowered at the athlete. A large red welt had formed in the center of her face, making her resemble the Japanese flag. "You get this one for the match, Nyamo," Yukari declared in a flat voice.
"But..."
"REVENGE!" Yukari shrieked, planting a foot on the formerly ballistic volleyball and pointing dramatically at Kagura. "Even though you're part of my team now, I still owe you for the swimming race, AND for THIS—" she pointed at her abused face— "so you'll be on Nyamo's team when we beat the snot out of her homeroom!"
Kagura sighed. "Hai, sensei."
Kurosawa stared back and forth between them. "Now wait just a minute, I never agreed—"
"TOMORROW!" Yukari bellowed. "It's Saturday, so we only have a half-day of classes. After that, it's game on! Losing team treats the winning team to lunch."
Unnoticed among the girls, Yomi took off her glasses and massaged the bridge of her nose. "There goes my allowance..."
Kurosawa frowned. "Alright, I guess there's no harm in it—IF both our classes agree to it. And since you gave me Kagura, there's no chance for you to win. Maybe that'll let some of the wind out of you for a while. By the way, I'm in the mood for okonomiyaki and yakisoba, so I know just where your team will be taking mine for the victory lunch."
"We'll see who takes who out for—" Yukari paused. "That new place that just opened? The one that's supposed to be really good?"
"Yeah, that one."
"YOSH'! It's settled! Tomorrow after classes, volleyball! After that, okonomiyaki and yakisoba! Losing team pays!"
"YAY! GANBATTE YUKARI-CHAN!" Tomo cheered.
"She won't actually be playing, you know," Yomi pointed out.
"Work with me, Yomi!" Tomo complained. Yomi just sighed.
* * * * *
After school, the girls—minus Kagura, who had elected to go on her evening run early—had gotten together and gone to Chiyo's house. The younger girl was very nervous about the bet, having heard about it later in the day.
"We're no good at all, though," she complained. "Except for Sakaki-san and maybe Yomi, none of us can really play volleyball well."
"It won't be a problem," Sakaki said confidently, hoping to raise the younger girl's spirits. "We'll all be on the same side. Their side will be evenly matched with ours."
"Yeah, so as long as we don't let Tomo serve, we should be okay," Yomi said.
"Right! — HEY!" Tomo glowered at Yomi, who just smirked.
"But we don't get any time to practice," Osaka said. "We don't even have gym class tomorrow."
Chiyo frowned...then brightened, an idea forming. "I've got a net and a volleyball! We can practice a little right now!"
"YOSH'! NICE, Chiyo-chan!" Tomo cried.
And so, the girls had all gone outside, set up a volleyball net, and started practicing. Sakaki had stood off to the side, switching in with Chiyo when the younger girl got tired, or with Osaka when she managed to intercept the ball with her face. By sundown, the girls had shown some improvement...but would it be enough?
* * * * *
Sakaki peeled off her clothes, slipped into her favorite flannel cat pajamas, and dropped heavily into bed. Thoughts of volleyball ran through her mind as she drifted off to sleep...
"Yo."
Sakaki blinked and looked around. Osaka, Tomo, Chiyo, and Yomi were all standing beside her on a sandy beach, wearing camouflage one-piece swimsuits and combat helmets. She looked down and found herself similarly attired. There was even a pair of dogtags on a silver chain dangling around her neck; one gave her name, age, height, and measurements (she blushed), while the other had Neko-Koneko stamped on it.
"It's time to whip you girly-girls into shape!" a deep voice boomed. Sakaki looked around; there was a volleyball net stretched across the beach, and in front of it was...HIM.
Chiyo-chichi.
But for some reason, he was olive drab in color and wearing a cap with a sergeant's stripes. Under one of his spindly arms, he held a bright red volleyball.
"Are you TOMATOES ready to learn to play VOLLEYBALL?"
"SIR, YES SIR!" the other girls chorused.
Chiyo-chichi pulsed an angry red color and floated over to Sakaki. "Soldier, I asked a question! Are you ready to learn to play VOLLEYBALL?!"
"...sir, yes sir?" Sakaki hazarded.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!"
"SIR, YES SIR!" Sakaki repeated, raising her voice far more than she cared to.
"That's better." A whistle materialized in the cat-thing's free 'hand'; he gave it a sharp trill. "ALRIGHT! PASSING DRILLS! LINE UP!"
The girls lined up. Red volleyballs appeared at their feet. They spent several minutes passing the ball back and forth. Sakaki stared hard when one of the volleyballs smacked Osaka in the face and burst, splattering her with pulp and juice.
The balls were tomatoes.
Chiyo-chichi blew his whistle. "YOU! DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY!"
Osaka obediently fell to the ground and tried to do pushups. By the time she got to five, she collapsed face-first in the sand and began making sand-angels.
Chiyo-chichi pulsed red and threw his own tomato-ball at her, exploding it against her derrier. "PATHETIC!" he roared. "ALL OF YOU ARE PATHETIC!" He began floating up and down the girls, who had once again formed a line. "YOU'RE WORTHLESS! YOU DISGUST ME! YOU SHOULD ALL BE RED!"
Immediately, all five girls turned bright red, like tomatoes.
"That's better! Now you look like the useless tomatoes you are! You'll never amount to anything! You might as well turn yourselves into sauce right now! You'd do more for the world on a dish of spaghetti than you would on a volleyball court!"
"SIR, YES SIR!" Tomo, Yomi, Chiyo, and Osaka shouted, saluting.
"But I'm going to teach you to be more than useless tomatoes! When I'm through with you, you'll be hard, mean volleyball machines!"
"SIR, YES SIR!"
"Until I say otherwise, you are LESS THAN THE WORM IN THE APPLE!"
"SIR, YES SIR!"
"THE APPLE IS ALSO RED! YOU ARE RED-LOVING WORTHLESS WORMS!"
"SIR, YES SIR!"
"YOU ALL CAME OUT OF A DOG'S REAR END!"
"SIR, YES SIR!"
"THE DOG'S REAR END WAS ALSO RED BECAUSE IT HAD A RASH!"
"SIR, YES SIR!"
Chiyo-chichi blew his whistle again. "SERVING DRILLS!"
The girls took turns trying to serve tomatoballs into a large wicker basket on the other side of the net. All the while, as various balls either landed in the basket or bounced off the sand, Chiyo-chichi barked out insults, admonitions, harsh comments, and generally kept up an abusive diatribe.
"YOU CALL THAT A SERVE? YOU'D BE FIRED FROM ANY CAFE IN JAPAN!"
"THE IDEA IS TO GET IT OVER THE NET, YOU REJECT FROM THE VINE!"
"IF YOU SERVED LIKE THAT IN A REAL GAME, YOU'D BE LAUGHED OFF THE COURT!"
"PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT! WHAT ARE YOU, A SEEDLING?"
"EVEN FROM A USELESS RED THING LIKE YOU, I'D EXPECT BETTER!"
"THINK OF THAT BALL AS A RIPE TOMATO AND JUICE IT!"
It went on for what seemed like hours. Finally, Chiyo-chichi blew his whistle again, and the girls lined up. The cat-thing put his arms behind his back. "Better. Much better. Not great, but you've definitely graduated from tomatoes to..." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Penguins."
Sakaki blinked as she suddenly felt heavier. She looked up and down the line, and found that all five of them were wearing penguin suits.
Chiyo-chichi saluted. "TRAINEES, DISMISSED!"
The other girls saluted as best they could and began filing off into the tide. Sakaki stared after them, then, not sure what else she could do, followed...
* * * * *
Sakaki rubbed the sleep out of her eyes as she sat up in bed. *What a strange dream...*
Her mother poked her head into the room. "Hurry up, breakfast is almost ready."
"Hai." Sakaki stood, put on her houseshoes, and shuffled into the hall to perform her morning ablutions.
When she arrived at the table, fresh and dressed for school, her mother placed a plate in front of her.
"Something a little different this morning," she said. "Since you have that big volleyball match today."
Sakaki blinked. On her plate were two slices of toast, three strips of bacon, some crisp lettuce...and two slices of ripe, juicy tomato.
"You DO like BLTs, don't you?" her mother asked.
"Ah...hai." Sakaki assembled her sandwich and ate quickly and quietly. She reached for her orange juice—and nearly dropped it when she saw the cheerful, cute penguin pattern on the glass.
"Are you alright this morning, dear?"
"Iie...I'm fine. Just had a weird dream." Sakaki flushed, finished her breakfast, kissed her mother goodbye, grabbed her bag and her shoes, and left.
Volleyball, she decided, wasn't such a terrible thing, and she was confident her class could win.
She just hoped the game wouldn't be very...red.
 | Title: | Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes |
| Series: | Harry Potter | |
| Genre: | Slice of Life | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 17, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Molly and Arthur Weasley learn of the twins' expulsion and career plans after their explosive departure from Hogwarts. (Occurs during OotP) | |
HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY
HEADMISTRESS: Dolores Jane Umbridge
NOTICE OF EXPULSION (Parental Copy)
Addressee(s): Arthur Weasley, Molly Weasley
Regarding: Fred Weasley, George Weasley
Dear Mr and Mrs Weasley,
It is my sad duty to inform you that your sons Fred and George Weasley have been EXPELLED from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
On the date in question (see attached form), the boys conspired to unleash illegal and highly dangerous magic in a corridor of the school, transforming it into a miniature swamp. No means of removing the swamp have yet been found, adding to the severity of the offence. Considering the past record of the two boys, and other offences they are suspected of during the course of this school year, and further considering that the boys escaped punishment by fleeing the school grounds on broom, Hogwarts is left with little choice but to permanently expel these two troublesome young men.
Fred and George Weasley are never to set foot on or near the premises of Hogwarts School again. Criminal charges for the offences listed may yet be filed. Please restrain them from fleeing the country until such time as a decision in this matter has been made.
Yours Truly,
Dolores Umbridge
Headmistress, High Inquisitor, Hogwarts
Undersecretary to the Minister for Magic
PS - The boys mentioned obtaining premises for business in Diagon Alley.
* * * * *
Molly Weasley dropped the letter as though it were burning hot. She stormed over to the fireplace and threw in a good deal more Floo powder than was necessary. "ARTHUR!!" she bellowed.
A moment later, her husband's balding head appeared in the grate. "What's wrong, Molly?"
Molly picked up the parchment from the floor and shook it in a tightly-clenched fist. "FRED AND GEORGE!"
Arthur sighed. "What did they do this time?"
"EXPELLED!"
Arthur blinked. "Expelled?"
"They turned an entire corridor of the school into a swamp, if you please, and then flew off on brooms before they could be punished for it!"
Arthur sighed. "Dear me."
"Is that ALL you have to say about this madness, Arthur? Their futures are ruined! This will mark them for the rest of their lives! Not to mention the shame to the fami—"
"Molly. D'you happen to know WHY they pulled a stunt like this?"
Molly stopped ranting and frowned. "They're always up to no good, those two worthless—"
"MOLLY." Arthur's eyes were sharp and hard. "Hang on, I'd rather be at home to discuss this." His head disappeared from the grate; a moment later, the clock in the corner of the kitchen span to show him travelling; he emerged fully from the grate then, wiping soot from his robes. "I told Perkins to send a message immediately if anything happens at work, but it's a slow day." He sighed. "Molly, I—"
"Arthur," the plump woman sobbed, flinging herself at her husband. "Where did I go wrong? I t-tried to be a g-good m-mother..."
"And you are, dear. You are."
"Then why—?"
Arthur pushed her away slightly and smiled down at her. "Dear, Fred and George, well...they're just not cut from the same cloth as the rest of us. And in a lot of ways, that's a good thing." He took the letter from her and read it over, then chuckled.
Molly glared at him. "It's NOT funny, Arthur!"
"At any other time, I'd be inclined to agree. But the way things stand right now, I'd have liked to have been there to see that toad Umbridge's face." He shook his head. "You realise the only reason they did this was to take the piss out of that foul woman, don't you?"
Molly frowned. "Seems like a bit of an odd way to go about it...all they've done is hurt themselves."
Arthur shook his head. "No, they've hurt her more than they have themselves. They're of age now. Sure, I'd have loved for them to finish their last year, but you've seen what those boys get up to. They don't NEED the schooling anymore. They're more than capable of doing whatever they put their minds to."
"Which is what? Mischief, mischief, and more mischief!"
"Exactly. It's what they do best, Molly." Arthur led her over to the table and pulled out a chair, which she sat in hesitantly. He began making tea as he continued, "Everyone has to go their own way in the world. Bill, Charlie, P—" He scowled, nearly breaking a teacup. "Everyone has to find their place. They told me themselves the only reason they bothered going another year was for the Quidditch, and because they genuinely LIKE Hogwarts. But Molly, you've got to know...you've been reading the letters, right? Surely you know what that miserable woman has done to the place."
Molly sniffled. "I can imagine. I mean, all those stupid rules, and banning people from Quidditch, and the sackings...and Dumbledore..."
"You see? There wasn't anything left there they wanted. Everything that makes Hogwarts fun is gone because of Umbridge. I can see why they did what they did. Hell, I'd probably do the same thing in their place."
"But...but they've thrown everything away..."
"Maybe not," Arthur said as he set a mug of tea in front of her. "You read in the letter where Umbridge mentioned the twins were doing something in Diagon Alley? Why don't you finish your tea, and then afterwhile we can go check into it, okay?"
Molly gave a great, shuddering sob, then nodded. "A-alright, Arthur."
* * * * *
It was shortly past four in the afternoon when they walked through the arch behind the Leaky Cauldron into Diagon Alley. They headed down the lane, through the thin afternoon foot traffic, looking up and down each side for any sign of what the wayward twins were up to. Suddenly, Molly gave a strangled cry and pointed up at the awning over 93 Diagon Alley.
Arthur glanced at it and snorted. "I might've known."
A garish, flashing, brightly-coloured banner proclaimed in glowing, rapidly-shifting lettering: "WEASLEYS' WIZARD WHEEZES". Beneath that, a smaller (but no less lurid) banner read: "GRAND OPENING WEEK - DISCOUNTS TO 40% ON ALL STOCK". A few witches and wizards were drifting through the bright blue double doors; most of those coming out were either laughing fit to burst, or grumbling and muttering.
"They can't have done..."
Arthur led his shellshocked wife into the shop, which was as garish inside as out. The floor tiles lit up and changed colour when one trod upon them; racks and tables and shelves full of merchandise lazily drifted about the store, most with signs directing attention to their wares, some emitting loud music or raucous laughter; one roving display rack was shooting off sparks and making rude noises at the shoppers.
Behind the counter stood Fred and George themselves, wearing magenta robes and ringing up purchases, laughing with a customer as they packaged items. A sound much like a goose being strangled filled the air as they crossed the welcome mat; the twins looked up as one.
"Welcome to Weasleys' Wizard Whee...zes..."
"Uh-oh."
"Busted."
The twins vaulted the counter, grinning broadly. "Mum! Dad! Corking of you to come!"
"Fancy a tour? It's not doing a full business yet, but things have been jumping!"
A table laden with fake wands chose that moment to bounce past, croaking like a frog.
"What...how...where..."
Arthur cleared his throat. "Boys, we just heard about your, ah...departure from Hogwarts."
The twins flinched slightly, looking at their mother, who seemed on the verge of exploding.
"Er, right." Fred looked at George. "You want to handle it, or should I?"
"You do it. I'll mind the store."
"Right-o." Fred took both parents firmly by the arm and led them to a small office in the back of the store, closing the door behind him and soundproofing it with a quick charm.
Molly chose that moment to explode.
"WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE?! HOW DID—WHERE DID YOU GET THE MONEY—WHAT—WHY—EXPLAIN YOURSELF THIS INSTANT!"
Fred winced. "That was the general idea, if you'd give us a minute."
Molly glared at him. Arthur cleared his throat.
Fred nodded, taking a deep breath. "We've been planning this forever. We've got a few financial backers. One in particular gave us the capital we needed to start things off at the start of summer last year. Since then, we've been developing and testing products and working on securing these lovely premises. The plan was to open shop immediately after we finished school. Well, we're finished," he shrugged. "Umbitch saw to that. So we opened a bit ahead of schedule."
Arthur scowled. "Just where did you get the money for this?"
"That's what I'd like to know!" Molly shouted. "What fool gave YOU two clowns enough money to start up something this ludicrous?"
"I'd really rather not say. I was under the impression it was a secret."
"I'll use Veritaserum to get it out of you, see that I won't!" Molly snapped.
Fred sighed. "Fine, fine. It was Harry, alright?"
Molly's eyes widened. "H-Harry?"
"Last summer, right before we got off the Hogwarts Express, he shoved off his Triwizard winnings on me and George," Fred hurried to explain. "We tried to refuse, but he insisted. Said he'd flush the lot down the drain if we didn't take it. He didn't want it. Only thing he made us promise was to buy Ron a new set of dress robes."
Molly was silent for a moment; Arthur simply nodded as though it made all the sense in the world. At length, Molly fixed her son with a glare. "You're to pay Harry back. Every Galleon."
"Course we will, Mum," Fred said. "We're not just going to take that much money off a friend and not pay him back. But he wouldn't take it back right now even if we had it to give, and when we do have enough profit off the store—"
"Profit? Off THIS?" Molly laughed unpleasantly. "This nonsense...this RUBBISH..." She gestured around herself.
"We've taken in three hundred Galleons just today, Mum," Fred said with uncharacteristic seriousness. "Well over half that is profit."
Molly froze, staring at her son. "You can't have."
"And we don't close for another four hours."
Molly opened and closed her mouth like a fish, seemingly at a loss for words. Arthur looked thoughtful. "Seems you boys have things pretty well in hand, then," he said.
"We do. We've been planning this, like I said, for ages."
"You're really making...that kind of money..." Molly said in a strangled voice, "...off rubbish sweets and funny wands?"
"Five Galleons per for our wands," Fred said with a hint of pride. "Ludo Bagman set the price." He paused, giving his mother a significant look. "Don't you see, Mum? This is what me and George have always wanted. This is what we love doing, and we're making a damn good turn on it. Not just for ourselves, but for the whole family."
"We don't need all that money for ourselves," George said from the door, arms crossed. "It's for the family. We're giving back."
"We never asked for much."
"Hardly asked for anything at all."
"But we feel like it's the right thing to do, you know? Do our part."
"We may not always act like it, but family comes before everything with us."
"And we're sorry you're disappointed with us."
"But this is what we want for ourselves. This is where we belong."
"We just hope you can understand."
The twins fell silent, leaving their parents to digest their words. Molly began to cry silently, but now she was smiling. She stood, and moved to embrace each of her boys in turn.
"I-If this is...really what you want..."
"It is."
"Th-then I suppose...I can learn to live with it."
 | Title: | White Bird |
| Series: | Naruto | |
| Genre: | Drama, Slice of Life | |
| Content Rating: | All Ages | |
| Updated: | December 17, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Hinata reminisces with her child and reflects on how lucky she is. | |
"Mama? How come you always have your head wrapped up like when Papa made that kitty mad? Did you make a kitty mad?"
Looking down at the curious, intent expression on the child's face, she laughed softly. "No, Sho-kun, Mama didn't make a kitty mad."
"So how come?"
She paused, delicately fingering the soft white gauze wrapped tightly around her forehead. "Well, your mama has a mark on her head that's not very nice to look at."
"Can't you wash it off?"
"No, it's not that kind of mark. It's like...well, you know the scary man with the scarred-up face? It's kind of like that."
"Oh." A pause. "How'd you get it?"
She smiled sadly, looking into the innocent eyes of her child—eyes which, mercifully, were not the same pupilless lavender-white as her own. "It happened when I was very young."
"Younger than me?"
She laughed. "No, Sho-kun, not that young. Not as young as you are right now, either. It was..." She paused. "I was sixteen."
"That's not young, that's old!" Her son pulled a face.
"Oh? If that's old, then what's that make me NOW?" she asked, mock-scowling at the boy. He looked away, cheeks red; she giggled and tousled his copper-gold hair.
"Stop it, Mama!" he protested. He looked up at her again. "So how'd you get it?"
She sighed, looking past the top of his head at something far away. "Well, it was when your Ojisama and Obasama got married. I've told you about why my eyes are like they are, right?"
"Un! It's a...keke...kekky..."
"Kekkei genkai."
"Right, an' Jichan an' Bachan have it too."
"Respect," she chided automatically, not really expecting to win this particular argument for a few more years. "Well, my family has a rule..." She paused, trying to decide how to explain it. "When my papa and your Ojisama's papa were little, one of them got a mark on his head and the other one didn't. The one with the mark is supposed to protect the one without the mark, because the one without the mark is going to be the leader when they grow up."
The boy in her lap frowned. "That's dumb."
"Yes, just a little bit. Well, the mark is important because it keeps bad people from taking away the eyes of someone who has it if they hurt them." She winced at how awkward that explanation was, but her son's formal indoctrination into the life of death that ninja lead was still over a year away, and his mind was still very much innocent.
The boy frowned. "So why doesn't everybody have the mark?"
"Because that's not how it works. It's one of those grown-up things."
"Oh." While he stopped to think about that, she continued.
"Well, your Obasama is my sister. Your Ojisama had the mark when he was little—barely older than you are now. And my sister and I didn't have it. But when we got older, our papas and grandpapas and uncles and great-uncles all decided that they needed to...well, cheat...and put the mark on a different person. So they took the mark off your Ojisama and put it on me, and then he married my sister."
"Oh." The boy thought about that for a minute. "Why?"
"Because they were better at being leader than me."
"Really?"
"Yes, that's right." She saw a protest coming, and cut across it. "Mama isn't a very good leader, Sho-kun. Not the kind of leader your Ojisama and Obasama are. That's why when they put the mark on me, I understood. I..." She trailed off, then smiled. "If they didn't put the mark on me, I probably wouldn't have gotten to marry your papa, and you wouldn't have been born."
"Oh." The boy paused again, thoughtfully. "That'd suck."
"Yes, yes it would," she said, giggling.
"Does papa have a mark?"
"No, papa doesn't have a mark. Papa doesn't have the same eyes as mama, does he?"
"Oh, right. And...I don't either, so I won't get a mark?"
"That's right!"
The front door opened. "Yo!" an exuberant voice called from the entrance.
"PAPA!" The boy scrambled off his mother's lap and ran out of the room. As he went, she watched him, smiling, but there was an old pain in her eyes. *I hadn't thought about that in so very, very long...*
"Oi, Hinata, you okay?"
Hinata looked up at the tall, broad-shouldered form of her husband, his blue eyes staring at her with concern. She started, and blushed. "Hai, anata. I was just thinking, is all."
Naruto squatted down in front of his wife, an odd look of—disgust?—in his eyes. "Neji sealed Muzashi today," he said quietly.
Hinata looked down. "I...I know," she said. "I...wasn't sure if he was going to go through with it, but..."
They both sighed. "One day, Hina-chan. One day, I'll put a stop to this stupid branch family shit. I swear it."
A rubber shuriken bounced off the back of his head, breaking the mood. With a playful growl, he turned to tackle their son to the ground and tickle him ferociously.
Watching them play, Uzumaki Hinata smiled. The irony of her past had never once been lost on her, after these many years. The cursed seal had not enslaved her, but rather set her free; free to follow her own way, free to be the person she wanted to be, to be with him...
To have this family that could never have been hers, had she remained in her gilded cage.
 | Title: | Goddess Debugging |
| Series: | Aa! Megami-sama! | |
| Genre: | Hentai | |
| Content Rating: | 18+ (EXTREMELY mature content!) | |
| Updated: | December 30, 2012 | |
| Status: | Complete | |
COMPLETE | Skuld encounters a group of particularly mischievious bugs... | |
Skuld yawned and stretched as she lazily slid out of the water onto the edge of the furo and slowly stood. Water cascaded down her body onto the tiled floor as she walked over to retrieve her towel.
She blinked. Her towel was missing. For that matter, so was her bathrobe. "Now that's odd...I could have sworn..." Sighing, she hunted around for the hairdryer.
Several minutes later, satisfied that she had dried off well enough, Skuld conjured up her usual heavenly attire.
She tried to, anyway.
"What the—?" She tried again, concentrating. Something was cutting her off from pocketspace. "What's going on here?"
The air seemed to crackle for a moment, and with a loud, static *pop*, three bugs appeared near the doorway, chittering and twitching their rabbit-like ears.
Skuld scowled. "I might have known..." She edged away from the bugs, reaching for her hammer...luckily, she'd had the foresight to bring it with her and lean it against the wall. "Hold still, you...this won't hurt..."
Before she could grab the shaft of her mallet, one of the bugs bounded across the room and pounced on her. "Whoa—hey!" she shouted as the bug landed directly on her chest. "Get off!" she cried out as the bug gained purchase on the rounded, soft flesh of her breast. She scowled, and grabbed the bug, trying to fling it across the room. "Ecchi bug!"
The bug twitched its whiskers at her and clenched its spindly legs, squeezing the young goddess' pulchritude in an attempt to hold on. Something just beneath its head caught its attention...something small, pink, and round. Curious, it shifted its grip on Skuld's breast and took an experimental bite.
"IIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" Skuld screamed as the bug's teeth dented her sensitive nipple. Her feet slipped out from under her and she landed on her bottom on the wet tile. She rolled over, attempting to crush the bug underneath her, or at least to dislodge it from her chest. Nearby, the other bugs were chittering rapidly. She got the distinct impression she was being laughed at.
"Let GO of me, you perverted little bug!" the young goddess cried out as she tried to dislodge the offending creature. It held on fast, however. Skuld screamed as it once again bit her nipple.
"Okay, that's IT!" Skuld scrambled to her feet and grabbed her hammer. *This is gonna hurt,* she thought angrily to herself as she prepared to whack the bug where it rested upon her breast.
One of the other bugs leapt at her, coming in low and butting her in the stomach. As it fell to the floor, Skuld began pinwheeling, her preparations for striking the first bug putting her off-balance. She flailed her arms, nearly breaking several fixtures with the hammer, until finally she toppled over backwards and landed in the bath with a splash.
*Yes! Now I can just get out of here...* Skuld tried to teleport out, but her efforts were blocked as before. *No! I can't believe this...*
The first bug was still latched onto her breast, and kept tensing and flexing its legs. Its actions were squeezing the young goddess' breast in a way that she was beginning to find...not altogether unpleasant. The second bug stood atop her other breast, peering at her inquisitively. The third bug...
The third bug had hopped onto the edge of the furo, over which Skuld's legs hung, spread apart. The bug leaned over the edge of the water towards her, sniffing curiously at the region between her legs. Skuld noticed this, and snapped her legs together tight, blushing furiously. "What's with you!?" she demanded of the creatures. "Why are you being so ecchi?"
By way of response, the second bug latched onto her breast the same way the first one had, and both bugs bit her nipples simultaneously. "IYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" she screamed. "TASUKETE!!" She began thrashing around in the water, flailing her hammer with one hand. She began kicking her legs, forgetting about the bug perched on the rim of the furo.
The third bug leaped onto her abdomen, turning to face away from her. It flattened itself out, and when Skuld's legs parted from her kicking, it nipped at her tender flesh. This elicited yet another scream from the young goddess. Her hammer swung around, seemingly of its own volition, and landed on the creature. With a *pop*, the bug was erased from existence, and the debugging mallet fell from Skuld's grasp, landing on her stomach and sliding towards the edge of the furo. The shaft of the hammer landed in the shallow valley between her breasts, the pommel coming to rest barely an inch from her mouth. The bugs looked nervous as the hammer bounced once, then resumed their activities.
As Skuld opened her mouth to scream again, the pommel of her hammer dropped right between her lips, surprising her. As she lay there, with the end of the hammer's shaft in her mouth, the two bugs working on her breasts, and the other end of the shaft in all-too close proximity to her sex, a strange, tingling warmth began to build deep in her abdomen. She closed her eyes and bit down hard on the mallet's pommel as the bugs nipped playfully at her again. Her nipples were sore, but the soreness felt strangely good, strangely arousing. That thought caused her to blush all over. She opened her mouth and let the pommel fall out, causing the hammer to slide closer to the ground. As it did so, the narrow shaft slipped between the folds of her labia, sending a shivering, pleasurable sensation shooting through her body as the cold metal passed across the sensitive flesh. She caught the mallet before it slipped completely away, pulling it towards her, telling herself she intended to whack the other two bugs...but she instead found herself pulling it slowly, deliberately across her sex, imbedding the shaft as deeply as it would go between her outer lips. A low, soft moan escaped her throat as the erotic tingling built between her legs. She began to feel moist, and knew it wasn't from the furo.
Slowly at first, she began dragging the hammer's shaft back and forth across her sex, savoring the tingling, wonderful feelings the action created. The continued actions of the two bugs enhanced her pleasure, and she began moaning, her back arching as she increased the speed.
After a few minutes, the motion of the mallet's haft across her sex wasn't enough anymore. Gently pushing herself up out of the water and balancing on the edge of the furo, she pushed the mallet all the way down, until the pommel rested against her labia. With one hand, she spread the tender flesh, exposing the hot, moist inner lips and her wet, eager love tunnel.
She paused briefly to wonder about what she was going to do. Part of her wanted to stop and get out of here, screaming that this was wrong, that she shouldn't be doing this. But the fire between her legs, the electric tingling causing her back to arch even now, told her to keep going.
Skuld took the end of her mallet in hand and slowly guided the pommel into her waiting hole. A wave of pleasure and pain washed over her as she pushed deeper, until her hammer-cum-dildo met resistance. Pulling it back, and moaning at the hot, wet feeling it gave her to do so, she prepared to make another thrust. This time, she pushed harder, and broke through the resistance. She cried out in pain as something inside tore, but the pain was quickly replaced by a more pleasant sensation as her love canal began lubricating her toy. Again, she withdrew the shaft, and plunged it deeper still into her hole. With no resistance, she pushed it as deep as she dared inside herself, moaning and arching her back in ecstasy.
Eager for a release, she began thrusting faster and deeper. The bugs, curious at the change in her behavior, had stopped playing with her and now sat upon her thighs, no longer able to hold onto her breasts as she bucked and thrashed about, watching curiously as the young goddess stimulated herself with her debugging hammer.
Deeper and faster, her back arching, moans of increasing volume escaping her throat, Skuld continued to thrust the pommel of her mallet into her slick, hot hole, finding it more and more difficult to pull it out each time as her love tunnel clenched tightly around it, trying to hold it inside. The need for a release became painful, burning from her sex all the way to her brain.
Finally, with one last, powerful thrust, the burning, erotic pain exploded, a wave of ecstasy flooding over her. She screamed in rapture, toppling backwards into the furo as her love juices flowed down the shaft of the hammer, coating her fingers. She emitted a long, low sigh of relief, letting the hammer drop from her suddenly numb fingers. The two bugs crept down onto the rim of the furo and began lapping up the juices pooling there, as well as cleaning up the young goddess' wet, glistening sex.
Skuld sat up dizzily, smiling down at the two creatures licking her. "That was fun, wasn't it?" she said, giggling. After a few moments, she reached down and picked up her hammer. "Oh!" she gasped, suddenly remembering her original predicament. She glared at the two bugs, who cowered fearfully. Standing, she raised the mallet above her head...
And quickly lowered it, sliding down onto the floor and spreading her legs. "Again?" she asked, smiling. The two bugs looked at each other, twitched their ears, and leapt onto the young goddess' chest. She giggled, gasping as they latched onto her nipples with their teeth, and pressed the haft of her mallet against her swollen labia...
* * * * *
"What's taking her so long?" Urd muttered under her breath as she stomped into the changing room.
"Now, Urd," Belldandy said gently as she walked in behind her sister, holding a carefully arranged tray of bath implements, "I'm sure she just lost track of time or some...thing..." Belldandy trailed off as Urd flung the door to the bath open. "..."
Urd stood there for a moment, staring at the scene within, then closed the door. Turning around, she calmly said, "I'm going to forget I ever saw that," and strode not too quickly out of the changing room.
"...debugging certainly isn't what it used to be," Belldandy commented to nobody in particular as she, too, turned and left the room, blushing furiously.
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