PHASE V: ORAL EXAM
It was still night when Applejack woke to the crow of the rooster. She groaned as she turned grumpily in bed. "Stupid...malfunctionin' rooster..."
The rooster crowed again, and Applejack let out a frustrated groan, opening her eyes.
And immediately got a faceful of cow tit.
"GAAH! Whut'n th'..."
"Will you PIPE DOWN? Some of us are trying to sleep!" the cow snapped at her.
"An' some of us don't wanna wake up nose-deep in your stanky udder!" Applejack retorted.
"Well! I never!" the cow retorted indignantly. A sharp pain in her back, and Applejack found herself rolling across the barnyard, crashing into the low wooden railing around the cows' enclosure.
She heard a giggle from nearby, and looked up to see Apple Bloom peeking out from behind the water trough. Her eyes narrowed. "Apple Bloom..."
"Eep!"
When breakfast rolled around, Big Macintosh and Granny Smith were surprised to discover Apple Bloom's flank had been shaven, and her tail clipped. "Whut...?"
"That's what she gets fer prankin' me at three in the mornin'," Applejack groused.
* * * * *
By their fourth day as Canterlot High students, the Equestrians had started to get the hang of the routine. Every day they went to class, hung out at lunch, hung out after school, helped with each others' homework, compared notes on things they'd learned about this world, and found new fun things to do. Predictably, Twilight Sparkle spent a lot of time reading. Rainbow Dash had gotten into video games. Rarity frequently went window-shopping, trying to get a feel for the fashions of the human world. Pinkie Pie was engrossed in studying for the upcoming play, but also spent at least an hour a day making plans and preparations for the big party she planned to throw at the end of the week. Applejack and her brother took time to shoot pool when they could.
And then there was Fluttershy.
By Wednesday afternoon, Twilight had noticed that a lot of boys were approaching Fluttershy in the halls between classes and after school. She had been worried that she'd have to step in and rescue her friend, knowing that being crowded by unfamiliar people was bound to terrify the poor, shy thing.
What she hadn't expected, when she had wandered close to the group to linger protectively and pounce to Fluttershy's rescue if needed, was to hear Fluttershy laughing and flirting with the boys.
Flirting. Fluttershy.
As if that hadn't been enough, on Thursday morning, as the group (sans Pinkie, who had needed to arrive early because of the play) gathered at the gates before school, Fluttershy approached Rarity. "Rarity, I need your help," she said.
"Well of course, dear. With what, exactly?"
Fluttershy looked away bashfully, cheeks pink. "I need an outfit for my date tonight," she said. "I um, want to look sexy. Not too sexy! Just, um...cute sexy."
Rarity blinked. "A date?! YOU?!"
"Umm...yes."
"I...don't know what to say," Rarity said, jaw dropping. Behind her, Applejack and Rainbow Dash had similar expressions. "Who with?"
"Well, tonight I'm going out with Thunderlane," Fluttershy said. "Tomorrow I'm going out with the bass player from Flash's band...oh, I can't remember his name. And I don't know who I'm going to Pinkie's party with on Saturday..."
Rarity's jaw was scraping the ground by this point. "Huuuuuh?!"
"Whoa there, girl," Applejack said to Fluttershy. "Yer goin' out with guys you don't even know? What th' heck...?"
Twilight frowned. "Uhhh...Fluttershy? What...I mean...this...this just...it isn't like you at all."
"Maybe I don't want to be like me," Fluttershy said. At first, her head was ducked, her hair covering her face. Then, she forced herself to look up and face her friends with an almost defiant expression. "You're all enjoying this new world and these new bodies so much, and I want to enjoy it too. But how can I enjoy it if I'm scared of everything? How can I enjoy it if I just hide and wait for our time here to be up? So just for once in my life...I'm going to try new things, and I'm not going to be afraid. Umm...mostly."
"Well that's great, Shy, really," Rainbow Dash said, "but...dating a bunch of different random guys? Isn't that a little..."
Fluttershy blushed. "They think I'm pretty. I...I like that."
The others looked at each other. "Well...yeah, but...don't you think you're going a little overboard with this?" Twilight asked. "I mean, going out on dates is okay, but..."
Fluttershy frowned. "But they all asked me...and I couldn't hurt their feelings by refusing, and..."
Rainbow Dash groaned, rolling her eyes. "Okay, okay, whatever. Just be careful. You remember what Sunset Shimmer told us about our new bodies."
Fluttershy turned very red. "Rainbow Dash! I'm not...I'm not going to be doing that!"
Twilight got between the two ex-pegasi. "We know, Fluttershy. And...I think it's great that you're trying new things, and that you want to get over your fears. I just...hope you can really handle this."
"I can," Fluttershy said confidently. "Um...I think."
"And please, darling, whatever you do, don't go crazy on us again," Rarity said, shuddering. "I for one still haven't gotten over the last time you tried to change yourself. Assertive Fluttershy is one thing, but we do not need another visit from Mean And Nasty Fluttershy."
"Oh, don't worry, I won't be turning into that Fluttershy again," Fluttershy said. "This time, I just want to be Fun And Flirty Fluttershy."
As Fluttershy walked ahead of them through the gates, her friends looked at one another, expressions of impending doom on their faces. "This...cannot possibly end well," Rarity said.
Twilight sighed. "Now, girls. Maybe this is just what Fluttershy needs to develop some self-esteem." Still, she couldn't help but feel that Fluttershy was on the road to making one huge mistake...
* * * * *
//Now arriving at Ponyville Station.//
Among the many ponies who disembarked once the train's doors had opened was an elderly unicorn mare with a mint-green coat and a pronounced limp. She looked around at the busy streets of the happy little pony town and snorted. "Durn yung'uns..." A slight smile quirked her lips as she hobbled into the heart of Ponyville.
It took her almost half an hour, but she finally arrived at the Golden Oak Library. She knocked on the door and waited. After twenty seconds, she became impatient and began muttering unflattering things about young ponies wasting an old mare's time.
The door opened to reveal a tiny purple dragon. "Yes? Can I help—holy guacamole!"
"Oh, you must be Spork," the old pony said. "I'm lookin' for Try-Lack Spackle..."
The dragon facepalmed. "It's Spike, actually. And Twilight Sparkle."
"Yeah yeah, course it is, I ain't senile. Now where is she?"
"You're Jade Singer, right?"
"Huh? What gave you that idea?"
"The autographed photo of you and Twilight she keeps in her bedroom?" Spike suggested tonelessly.
"Oh. Heh. Well yeah, I am. Thought I'd take a day or two off, come visit the pony that got me back in the groove. Heard she's a Princess now, hope it hasn't gone to her head. If it has, I'll just have to bust her chops..."
Spike sighed. "Well...I guess you hadn't heard the news," he said. "Twilight went on a trip, and she won't be back for a long time."
Just then, Twilight Sparkle trotted up, a bag from Sugar Cube Corner in her mouth. "Hi Spike!" she said cheerfully.
Jade Singer raised an eyebrow. "Looks like she just got back," she said.
"Ah! Um! I mean..." Spike hemmed and hawed frantically. "I mean okay yes, this is Twilight Sparkle, but she's not the same Twilight Sparkle you met!"
Twilight stuck her head out of the library. "Spike? Shouldn't you be letting this pony inside? It isn't polite to keep the elderly on their hooves longer than necessary." She smiled at the elder mare. "I'm sorry, ma'am. Come inside. If you were looking for something in particular, Spike will find it for you. He's good at that." With that, she trotted back inside, disappearing around a corner.
Jade's jaw dropped. "What...just happened...?"
Spike sighed. "Like I said. I'm sorry you came all this way, Miss Singer, but the Twilight Sparkle you know is in another world. This Twilight Sparkle is taking her place here for the next thirty moons."
Jade blinked. "Other world? What's this garbage about, you young hooligan?"
Spike rolled his eyes. "Why don't you write a letter to Princess Celestia and ask her. She'll explain it completely. I can send it right away..."
* * * * *
After the first period tardy bell, Principal Celestia addressed the school over the PA system.
//Attention students. At this time, all classes will be dismissed to the auditorium for a performance by the Theater Arts class. Because of this special activity, there will be no first or second period classes today.//
Cheers went up throughout the school as the teachers tried to organize their students into orderly groups to proceed to the auditorium.
Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Sunset Shimmer, and Flash Sentry all broke from their class groups to congregate, taking up most of one center row near the front. "So we finally get to see what Pinkie's been so wrapped up in, huh?" Dash asked.
Twilight twitched. "I have to warn you...I've researched this play. It's...somewhat peculiar."
As the last of the students finally took their seats, Hoity Toity stepped out on stage, fanning himself. "Good morning, everyone!" he called.
Rarity blinked. "Hoity Toity is a teacher here?"
The drama teacher swept his purple-lensed gaze over the assembled audience, then clapped his hands once. "Right, then! Our Theater Arts class has put a great deal of enthusiasm and energy into preparing for the play you're about to see, which incidentally is also one third of their grade for this term! The play you're about to see is a personal favorite of mine, and I'm sure you'll enjoy it! So without further ado...the Canterlot High Theater Arts Class—and I, Hoity Toity, director—now present for your enjoyment: Utena and the Rose Bride!"
There was scattered polite applause as Hoity Toity left the stage and the lights in the auditorium dimmed. The curtain rose...
Behind the curtain, a bright, elaborate backdrop had been erected of a cemetery with a nearby mountain. At the corners of this backdrop were four large, spinning pink cardboard roses. Students behind the backdrop began operating strange, life-sized cutout puppets of a faceless princess with pink hair and a tall, lavender-haired prince as a narrator offstage told of dead parents, great sadness, and the prince consoling the forlorn princess.
"And so, the prince gave the young girl a ring. 'This ring will lead you to me one day,' he said. Perhaps it was an engagement ring? But so impressed was she by the prince that the young girl vowed to one day become a prince herself."
The cutout puppets of the girl and the prince fell away and were replaced by a new cutout, of an older version of the girl, dressed in fairy-tale prince's clothes. "But was that really such a good idea?"
The curtain fell again; the narrator announced: "Act One: The Rose Bride."
* * * * *
"Well I'll be," Jade Singer said as she read Celestia's reply. "Magic portals and other worlds...that must be..." She frowned. "Could you call Twilight out here, please?"
"Sure thing," Spike said. He ran to the stairs and called for Twilight, who cantered down a moment later. "Is something wrong, Spike?"
"Come here a moment if you would please," Jade Singer said. "I need to know if this is for real or if Celestia is pranking me again." Twilight gave her a confused look, but trotted over and sat primly in front of the elder unicorn. Jade Singer's horn began to glow, and a magical aura surrounded Twilight. Her body became translucent; a ghostly image of her human form rose out of her, hovering in the air for a moment. When Jade ended the spell, the human image disappeared, and Twilight became solid again. "Well I'll be."
"What WAS that?" Twilight asked, eyes wide.
"Sorry about that, dearie," Jade said. "That was my 'Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover' spell. Usually I only use it on books, but sometimes it works on ponies too."
"And you used it to see this Twilight as she really is?" Spike asked. "That's amazing!"
"Yes, yes, nevermind that," Jade said. Her horn lit up, appropriating a pile of parchment, a quill, and several ink bottles. "Now, dear, tell me everything about yourself and the world you come from..."
* * * * *
As the curtain opened again, a new background had been erected on-stage: a matte painting of a palatial campus with spires and fountains and greenhouses and forests. At the front of the stage stood an archway topped with a rose crest. Two girls stood in the archway. One was Pinkie Pie, her hair straightened, wearing a red-trimmed black uniform jacket with brass buttons, red hot pants, red socks, and saddle shoes with little pink bows on top. The other was Scootaloo, wearing a green and white sailor uniform with ridiculously puffy shoulders and a broad, striped red necktie, white socks, black shoes, and overly large round glasses. "I'm Anthy Himemiya," Scootaloo said, bowing to Pinkie Pie.
"I'm Utena Tenjou," Pinkie replied, bowing as well.
A male student in a white uniform and a huge, curly green wig walked up to the two of them, and with no preamble, slapped "Anthy" across the face.
"HEY! What was that for?" "Utena" cried.
"Shut up!" the guy in the green wig said. "I'm the Vice President of the Almighty Student Council, Saiounji! Himemiya is my bride, and I'll slap her as much as I want!" To prove his point, he slapped "Anthy" once again, knocking her down.
"Knock it off, or I'll beat you up!" "Utena" declared.
"Oh really?" "Saiounji" asked. "Then let us go to the forest...and fight!"
The curtain fell again, and two girls wheeled a screen made of black-painted plywood and pink-colored sandwich wrap onto the front of the stage. The lighting changed to silhouette them as they went through a series of ballet poses behind the screen.
"Did you know? Did you know? There's a duel in the forest!"
"But the rules for duels in the forest are very strange!"
"Do you know? Do you know what they are?"
The girls rolled their screen off into the wings again as the curtain rose. The background had been changed again. Now, a large model of a castle hung upside-down from the rafters. "Utena" and "Saiounji" stood facing one another, "Utena" holding a bamboo sword. "Anthy" walked onto the stage, now wearing an elaborate red dress with huge, puffy skirts. She pinned a rose to "Saiounji's" uniform, then to "Utena's".
"Good luck," she said to "Utena". "Saiounji" slapped her again, knocking her to the ground. He then reached down and pulled a sword out of her chest. The two duellists sparred back and forth for a few minutes, dancing across the stage, until "Utena" knocked the rose from "Saiounji's" uniform.
"You won!" "Anthy" said, bowing to "Utena". "Now we're engaged!"
"Utena" stared at her. "Huh?!"
* * * * *
Rainbow Dash returned from a flying lesson to discover Twilight deeply engrossed in telling an elderly mare all about their world and their school. The old pony was frantically taking notes; there was already a stack of filled parchment piled up next to her chair.
"Hey, Rainbow Dash!" Twilight called, waving. "Do me a favor! Go round up AJ, Pinkie, Rarity, and Fluttershy! Jade Singer here wants to talk to all of us about our world!"
Dash blinked. "Really? Okay. Back in a few!"
* * * * *
"Act Two: Utena Fights Everyone Who Wants To Slap Anthy."
The second act of the play consisted of Pinkie, as "Utena", fighting a series of pretend duels against half a dozen students in white uniforms and crazy wigs, with "Anthy" wearing the huge red dress, and "Utena" pulling the prop sword out of her chest at the start of each "duel". The duels were interspersed with nonsensical dialogue about eggs, ammonites, and the apocalypse. Each actor who challenged "Utena" slapped "Anthy" at least once.
* * * * *
It had only taken Rainbow Dash twenty minutes to round up her friends and bring them back to the library. Jade Singer introduced herself to all of them, then explained that she was a friend of Princess Celestia and the Equestrian version of Twilight Sparkle. She was deeply interested in hearing all about the world they came from, and so they agreed to sit and talk for as long as she liked about what things were like back home.
* * * * *
"Act Three: Utena Falls In Love With The Rose Bride."
The final act of the play was not terribly different from the second, except that it featured far more dialogue between "Utena" and "Anthy". The final duel was with "Saiounji" again. After he lost, he tried to slap "Anthy", but "Utena" swung her sword at his shoulder. The student actor did a fairly convincing job of pretending to have been maimed; a bloody severed arm prop fell out of his jacket with a thud and a burst prop blood packet sprayed fake blood everywhere.
"Utena" then threw down her sword, gathered "Anthy" in her arms, and kissed her passionately.
The lighting changed; casting them in silhouette as they kissed for far longer than some members of the audience were comfortable with.
"And so, Utena, the girl who dreamed of becoming a prince, and Anthy, the Rose Bride who everyone loved to slap, fell in love and lived happily ever after."
"Utena" slapped "Anthy".
"The End."
The stage lights went dark and the curtain fell. There was scattered applause from the student body. Twilight and her friends were looking back and forth at each other in bewilderment. "What the heck did we just watch?" Applejack muttered.
The entire cast filed out onto the front of the stage, taking a bow. There was more polite applause.
"Thank you, thank you all!" Hoity Toity said. "Oh, what a MARVELOUS performance from our Theater Arts class! I hope you all enjoyed our presentation!"
The students were dismissed, and informed they had a twenty-minute break before third period. The Equestrians and Flash Sentry congregated near the vending machines.
"Okay, just for the record? I'm totally weirded out that Pinkie Pie just kissed Scootaloo in front of the whole school," Rainbow Dash declared.
"I can never unsee what I've just seen," Rarity said.
"I think Principal Celestia needs to have a little talk with Hoity Toity," Twilight said. "That little 'play' was kind of..."
"Wronger'n a chicken tryin' ta do a donkey's taxes?" Applejack suggested.
"Oh...oh my..." Fluttershy squeaked, staring at her phone. "It's...it's already on the Internet..."
Rarity turned green. "Gah. It's already got fifty thousand hits. Just...GAH!"
Pinkie walked up, still in costume, but with her hair returned to its normal bouncy puffiness. "Hi everyone!" she chirped. "Did you enjoy the play?"
Her friends looked around at one another.
"Honestly?" Applejack said. "It was..."
"Interesting," Twilight hedged.
"Very...different," Rarity supplied.
"Um, it was...nice," Fluttershy said.
"Oh, who are we KIDDING?" Rainbow Dash cried. "Pinkie, that was the most UN-AWESOME thing I've ever seen!"
Pinkie sighed. "Yeah, it was pretty bad. If I hadn't promised to give it my all because they were totally depending on me, I would NEVER have done that!" She plunked two coins into a vending machine and bought a cola. "And I dunno what Scootaloo had for breakfast, but GAH! Bleah!" She chugged her soda, then bought a pack of gum from the snack machine. "I wish I could brush my tongue with bleach." She sighed. "Come on, we've gotta get to class."
* * * * *
"So, how are you all adjusting to life here in Equestria?" Jade asked as she rested her horn for a few minutes.
"I'd say fairly well," Twilight said. "I'm still learning basic magic, but it's going well. Rainbow Dash's flying lessons are coming along well."
"For me, it's almost like Ah never left home," Applejack said. "Th' farm's not much different than back home."
"I'm really enjoying playing with all of my new animal friends," Fluttershy said.
"I get to spend all day baking cupcakes and tasty treats!" Pinkie said.
"You do that back home anyway," Rainbow pointed out.
"I know!" Pinkie cheered.
"Well, I'm still having difficulties," Rarity admitted. "It's taking me longer than I expected to adjust to what passes for fashion here, and actually working in the boutique is a different matter entirely." She fidgeted. "I'm trying very hard to get the hang of basic levitation, because there's simply no way I can even thread a needle with these hooves..." She shook her head. "HOW does the other me do such elaborate, intricate work without proper fingers?"
"I'm sure you'll get the hang of it soon, Rarity," Twilight said.
"These 'hands' you girls speak of seem awfully convenient," Jade said. She examined her own hooves. "Why, I bet writers in your world can type ten times as fast as they can here!"
"How the heck do ponies who aren't unicorns write, anyway?" Pinkie asked. "I mean, I've seen Mr. and Mrs. Cake write up orders by hoof or by mouth, but...I can't even figure out how to hold a quill!"
Jade laughed. "You'll get used to it, dear. You girls are having to learn things in a short amount of time that other ponies just grow up learning naturally. You can't expect everything to be perfect right away." She smiled. "I'll bet your counterparts from here are having just as much trouble in your world..."
* * * * *
After school, Fluttershy went to Rarity's boutique. "So, Fluttershy...you want me to come up with a date outfit that's, how did you put it? Ah yes...'cute sexy'. Is that right?"
"Um...yes, please. If it's not too much trouble."
Rarity rolled her eyes. "Let's see what we can do. Though I must warn you, I'm still not completely adjusted to this world's fashions..."
The next hour passed in a blur of skirts, tops, shoes, and accessories. It took forever to find an outfit that Rarity felt confident in and which Fluttershy also approved of. By the time they were done, it was less than half an hour until Fluttershy's date.
"This is perfect," Fluttershy said. "But, I don't know how well I'll be able to walk in these shoes..." She frowned. "Shouldn't I wear boots instead? I'm already accustomed to boots..."
Rarity waved a hand airily. "You wanted sexy, darling. Those shoes not only compliment your outfit perfectly, they're far more sexy than any of the boots I could've matched with that skirt."
"Well...a-alright..."
And so it was that Fluttershy stepped out for her first date as a human, wearing a short, tight forest green skirt, a sleeveless light pink top, a green jacket with her cutie mark embroidered near the hem, and emerald green slingback pumps.
"Have a good time!" Rarity called. "And do be sure to tell us all about it tomorrow! Oooh, or text me after!"
* * * * *
The sun had long since set by the time Jade Singer finished questioning Twilight and her friends about life in their world. When at last she was done, she'd stuffed several dozen scrolls into her saddlebags, and her eyes were bright. "Well, I certainly appreciate you girls' taking time to talk to this old mare!" she said.
"Oh, it was no problem," Twilight said.
"But what are you going to use all of that for?" Rarity asked, tilting her head.
"Why, I'm going to write a book about that other world of yours!" Jade said, grinning. "Why, this might even outsell my first book!"
"Well...we look forward to reading it, ma'am," Twilight said.
"Well, I'd better catch that last train back to Canterlot so I can get a good night's sleep and start work bright and early," Jade said. "It was nice meeting all of you!"
* * * * *
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today Pinkie Pie was in a very weird play where she kissed Scootaloo, and we found out that Fluttershy has apparently decided the way to build up her self-confidence is to date as many boys from school as she possibly can.
I'm starting to wonder if coming to this world turned my friends weird.
Your concerned faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
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