Friday, April 1, 2016
Friday, April 1, 2016
Today's Horoscope (Virgo): You are going to pie today.
Morning
The sun is shining brightly through the curtains of the bedroom window when I wake up, tangled up in a pile of naked flesh.
I gently extricate myself from between Twilight and Cadance and stagger over to the bathroom. I gotta piss like a motherfucker...
When I'm done, I head back out into the bedroom to see what time it is. I'm thinking ahead to a hot shower...or maybe a morning quickie with either Twilight or Cadance (or both)...
My phone starts loudly and insistently ringing. Cadance and Twilight both stir and groan. I pad over to the dresser and snatch up my phone, which launches Canterbook and opens the horoscope app. I blink dazedly at the horoscope before my mind seizes up in panic. "What the—?!"
"Flash? What's wrong?" Twilight asks.
I rush over to the bed and show Twilight my phone. "What's going on here?" I wonder. "Why is this...? How can...?" I'm kind of freaking out.
Twilight blinks and frowns. "Huh? But..." She pauses, blinking slowly. Her brow furrows. "Uhh...Flash? Did you...did you read this horoscope carefully?"
"What?" I glance at the screen again. "Huh? Pie? What the hell—"
And suddenly, everything in my field of vision turns white.
This is followed by a wet *splut* sound and a cold, sticky feeling all over my face.
Which is followed by uproarious laughter. Uproarious pink laughter.
"GAH! Pinkie! What the hell?" Twilight yells.
Cadance starts giggling. "Oh...oh my..."
I reach up to my face and feel something smooth, cool, and metallic. I pull it away, then wipe at my eyes with my hands. Smacking my lips, I taste whipped cream...
"Twilight?" I ask. "What just happened?"
"Pinkie came out from under the bed and...and..."
"Threw a pie in my face?" I ask flatly.
"Yeah."
I wipe some more pie from my face. "Uh-huh."
"Gotta go!" Pinkie exclaims cheerfully. "Bye-ee!"
"Umm...Flash? You've got a little something..." Twilight says.
I glare at her.
"...nevermind," she says.
"...it's April Fool's Day, isn't it?" I ask.
"Yes. Yes it is," Cadance says, stifling a giggle.
"Greeeeeat." Shaking my head and sighing wearily, I trudge to the bathroom to shower. It's gonna be a looooong day...
...wait. How did she—?
I grab the shampoo and vigorously lather some into my hair, then lather myself up with body wash. It takes a few minutes for me to realize that my body wash smells like bubble gum.
Like...really smells like bubble gum.
I mean, not that I have anything against the smell of bubble gum, but I use cool sport scent, not...
...oh no.
I finish up my shower as quickly as I can, scrubbing and rinsing my hair. The bubble gum smell of that body wash is overpowering, and it's actually getting worse...
I step out of the shower, wrap one towel around my waist, and grab another to dry my hair. I give my hair a vigorous scrub, then walk over to the medicine cabinet to grab my toothbrush and toothpaste. I glance in the bathroom mirror...
Oh no.
No.
"PIIIINKIIIIE PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!"
Daytime
"It's...it's not that bad, darling," Rarity says, straining not to giggle.
Rainbow is laughing her ass off. "Dude, you look ridiculous!"
And you smell delicious!
It's been an hour since the bathroom incident. It took that long for Twilight and Cadance to convince me to come out of the bedroom without murdering Pinkie.
The neon green dye job is bad enough, but the bubble gum smell is actually getting worse...
Fluttershy covers a dainty giggle. "Oh my," she says. "Pinkie, you're a very creative prankster."
"Speaking of which," Cadance says, eyeing Fluttershy shrewdly. "You were in on the pie prank, weren't you?"
It turns out I wasn't the only victim of the pie prank. Pinkie and Sonata teamed up to nail everybody with pies when they were least expecting it. Everybody, that is, except Fluttershy.
Fluttershy smiles. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about..."
"The horoscope app?" Twilight says. "That we know you've hacked into before to change the horoscopes?"
Fluttershy's eyes gleam with mirth. "Oh, alright. You got me. Yes, I was in on the pie thing. But I didn't know about..." She giggles. "The hair prank..."
"I thought you couldn't hack the horoscope app anymore," I say.
"Oh, well...the entire app was uninstalled from the system and reinstalled from the original software," Cadance says. "That's why it was offline for so long." She frowns. "Well, that and it took me a while to learn how to run it and find a few good sources of syndicated horoscopes to crib from."
Twilight blinks. "Cadance? You're running the horoscope app now?"
Cadance shrugs. "Celestia asked me to take it over once I told her Sunset Shimmer had been abusing it to send threatening messages. Which I couldn't prove, of course...she covered her tracks pretty well."
"I suppose having you run the horoscope app is the most sensible choice at this stage," Rarity says.
Cadance gives Fluttershy a look. "Please don't hack the horoscope app anymore."
"I'm not making any promises," Fluttershy says. "But I won't abuse it." She smiles. "Except today. Today was too funny."
"So the horoscopes are just...normal horoscopes now?" I ask.
"That's right," Cadance says.
That's a relief...
"So," Rarity says, "are we spending one last day on the beach?"
"That sounds good to m—"
Cadance trails off suddenly as Fluttershy lets loose a massive fart.
We all stare at her. Her eyes are wide and her cheeks are pink. "Oh...oh my," she says. "Umm...excuse me?"
"NASTY, Fluttershy!" Rainbow says. "What the—"
Rainbow Dash rips one out. She blinks in confusion.
One after another, each of us starts farting. Rarity looks like she's about to faint from the indignity of it all, Twilight's beet red, Cadance looks confused, and Applejack is just rolling her eyes.
Pinkie is on the floor laughing her ass off...and farting her ass off...
"Pinkie," Cadance asks calmly, "would there even be any point in asking HOW you did this?"
"It wasn't me, it was the dog!" Pinkie says cheerfully. She lets out a short, high-pitched toot and starts laughing again.
"Good grief," Twilight says, shaking her head and muttering.
We take some time to open up the windows to let the house air out before we get our things together and head down to the beach. Fortunately, by the time we get there, whatever Pinkie did to us has mostly worn off...
Evening
Our last day at the beach was...memorable, to say the least.
All day long, we had to be on the lookout for Pinkie and Sonata, who seem to be determined to make the most out of April Fool's Day.
The high point (or low point?) was the squid ink shaved ice. Somehow, she managed to convince the Neighponese girls from the Lemon House to hide squid ink inside the shaved ice and cover it with normal flavor syrup.
I don't think I'll ever get that taste off my tongue...
Worse, that bubble gum smell from the trick body wash has been getting stronger all day long...
When we get back to the beach house, Applejack and Rainbow Dash restrain Pinkie and Sonata while Cadance and Rarity make dinner, which consists of a general potluck of most of what we have left over.
"I think tomorrow, we'll go out for lunch someplace nice in town," Cadance says. "There's a few really good all-you-can-eat places in Haytona...different kinds of cuisine. Maybe we can also do one last little round of souvenir shopping. After that, we need to clean this place from top to bottom, do all our laundry, and get packed up for the trip home."
"I can't believe Spring Break is over already," Rainbow complains.
"I think I'm actually ready to get back to Canterlot," Rarity says. "Too much more lying around on the beach and, well..." She gives us all a look, as if daring us to call her a toasted marshmallow.
"Yeah, the party can't last forever," Pinkie says.
I've had a great time!
Sonata smiles happily.
"So have I, but I miss my husband," Cadance says. "I can't wait to go back home and make love to him..."
We all work together to clean up the remnants of dinner and clean the kitchen, then head to bed.
Pinkie walks into the bedroom just as Twilight and I are getting changed. "I haven't had my turn with Flashie this week," she says.
I stare at her. "Pinkie," I say calmly. "My hair is neon green. I still smell like bubble gum. I spent half the day farting uncontrollably. And I STILL can't get the taste of squid ink off my tongue."
Pinkie wilts. "Heheh...oopsie," she says. "I guess maaaaaaybe I overdid it a little?" She looks from me to Twilight, then sighs. "Yyyeah, I get it. I'm in the dog house." She tilts her head. "Does that mean I have to have sex with Spike now?"
"GAH! PINKIE!" Twilight yells. She picks up a pillow and throws it at Pinkie.
Pinkie giggles. "Goodnight, Twi-Twi! Goodnight, Flashie-pants!" She skips away, returned to her usual cheerful self.
Twilight growls. "Good GRIEF," she groans.
"Don't worry," I say. "She'll get what's coming to her."
A few seconds later, we hear a shrill scream from upstairs. Twilight looks at me, eyes wide. "Was...was that Pinkie Pie?"
I grin and slide into bed.
"What did you do?" Twilight asks, looking from me to the second floor.
"Well, since she likes squid so much..."
